How to help a friend grieving

[loveisstrange]

My dear friend of 17 years has recently lost their father. We don't really see each other because we live at different ends of the country but do talk over the phone and text most days, even though I'm sure we've had our fallings out over the years for months at a time!
They are in my heart, my thoughts and I was deeply saddened to hear about the fathers death as I met him before I met my friend a sit happens (used to work for him once upon a time)
I really want to help my friend but it's so hard at a distance,
I've done the sorry, asked about their family etc. offered an ear to listen and told them memories I've had of their father too. Some of which they didn't actually know so it made them smile.
I'm just at a loss how to truly support them from such a long distance.
I have family commitments where I can't just leave for the day to see them either...

Just by keeping in touch and asking how things are and letting her know she is in your thoughts.
Also tell her you are at the end of the phone if she needs a chat.

Just be there for her. And don’t expect her to be fine after a few weeks. People flood you with messages and offers of help at the beginning then forget. I was so touched when someone sent me a bunch of flowers a few months after my husband died to say they were still thinking of me. It really meant a lot.

This podcast episode is the best thing for understanding what grief is like and how lonely it can feel. What you need is people checking in long term. I wanted people to bring it up a lot because I didn’t want to always be the one bringing it up.

https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/ep-15-julia-samuel/id1178572854?i=1000397852036

Yes, I agree. My Dad died very suddenly and so many people acted like things were normal again after the funeral. With the shock, I hadn’t even begun to start processing but by then. My biggest fear was that people would stop talking about him, and he would disappear.

Mention him, talk about him, remember him. Let her talk about him.

I got a message from a friend, many months after he died, sending a picture of something she’d seen saying “saw this and it reminded me of your Dad”. To know that others still think of him meant the world to me.

I agree keeping on mentioning the deceased ongoingly.

but also bear in mind your friend may feel very exhausted by the grief for a long while. I found some friends who were trying to be supportive just made me feel they were needy and wanted something I couldn’t give them. I’m afraid I had to withdraw and our friendship has suffered. It was probably on rocky ground already by then. But I felt they were a bit of a grief vampire… so for me, I’d advise others not to be demanding or needy with a grieving person.

everyone is different though.

@Peterpiperpickedapeckof In what way were they needy or demanding? It may be useful to those of us with grieving loved ones to know more specifically what to avoid. Although as you say everyone is different so perhaps taking the lead from the person is important too.

for everyone grieving

That is a fair point to keep remembering loved ones! I did want to send my friend something but just wasn't sure what, for context my friend

Oops sent too early...
Is male

I didn’t want anything physical. Just eat voucher is my go to if people live in an area covered by them. (I am in the minority and don’t like Cook meals!)

Just keep the contact up, invite your friend to visit you or meet half way if practical. But someone you can talk to, can cry to without judgement, a friend who listens and doesn’t try to fix you ( because you can’t fix that someone’s died) is honestly the best thing. People fade away after the funeral, some go down the ‘you should be over it’ route. You sound like a lovely friend.

Funeral was yesterday and I wasn't even told. I don't even know what to think, I know he had a lot going on obviously but I literally got asked if I was going on the morning by a mutual friend, when I asked when it was and I got the response "today" I was in shock...
I've messaged my dear friend yesterday morning saying I'm thinking of them, their family, and here if they want a chat... do you think it's best I just leave it at that now?