I haven't spoken to anyone about this so thought I would reach out as I'm really struggling to process my current situation. For context I've been with my husband for 8 years. We've been through alot together and have had some wonderful times and have two beautiful children. There has been alot of up and downs due to many things my husband has had to go through with his mental health which I have always supported him with.
For the past year we've not been hugely close intimately due to various reasons but mainly just life and being parents. We have drifted apart.
For the past year he has had a freindship with another woman from his office. Throughout this time I was pregnant so we couldn't do alot of the things we used to do together and naturally I didn't feel at my most sexy and confident. He has always had female freindships which I am fine with for the most part but this one just seemed a bit off for me and a culmination of things has led to me feeling toally disrespected and my feelings invalidated. Firstly, they started to do a couple of things out of the office together. One of these was an outdoor adventure activity but he took one of my family members too and assured me she was just a freind so I didn't think too much of it. I have to say I wasn't overjoyed when I saw on a picture she was wearing his top to do the activity in. But I put my insecurity down to pregnancy hormones.
He then told me he was thinking of going to a gig with her, her friend and his friend and I made clear I wasn't comfortable with that. More so for the respect element that I was sat at home heavily pregnant I thought it was a bit disrespectful him going to a gig with a woman I didn't know. He said he wouldn't go with her but she was his only way to get a lift back after the gig but assured me he'd just meet her after the gig for a lift. Therefore they didn't travel to the location together but afterwards when I asked him he admitted they all met up for a drink before the gig, went to the gig together and then she drove him home with her friend. Again I was assured this is just his friend but I felt that my dubiousness and unhappyness about it was just totally ignored as he met up with her anyway!
I recently found on his phone that they had been sending eachother regular memes on Instagram, WhatsApp etc that were just odd. Like the stuff you would send your partner. It didn't add up. They weren't particularly flirtatious but for example, he sent her a meme with a woman saying when you've been dirty talking all day and he gets home and the woman was sat in sweatpants with messy hair. Why an earth would he send that to a girl from work and not his wife? She also sent things about marriage and it was just unexplainable really. Either they are slagging their current partners off, suggesting they are like a married couple, or it's just freindly chat but just seems odd. I confronted him and asked if something was going on and he said he was sorry he just found the memes funny and there was nothing to it. When I asked why he sent them to her and not his wife he just said he didn't think and they just often send eachother funny memes as they are mates.
A few days later he was getting lifts into work from her again so again I felt totally disregarded.
My husband is also in a local band and I went to support one night and she turned up. She didn't acknowledge me, speak to me or so much as smile at me throughout which I found odd behaviour! It was only a small pub and we were right next to eachother. If I was mates with someone's husband and been on days out with him I'd introduce myself to said person's wife! She acted odd. At the front the whole time almost like she had more right to be there than me and almost as though she wanted me to see her there. I later discovered when i left early to go home to our kids she lingered and asked him for a private word telling him how upset she was he didn't speak to her during the gig. Why an earth would you be that bothered about a guy from the office not making a fuss over you at a gig when his wife and freinds are there?! Her whole persona was that she was the "it girl" and I felt totally humiliated. He told me he would cut ties with her after her behaviour at the gig as he acknowledged it wasn't respectful and he didn't want anyone coming between us and he saw that it upset me and it wasn't worth it.
Through discussions around her following this where I've demanded the truth and explanation for stuff that doesn't seem to make sense to me he's sworn to me he has absolutely no feelings for her and doesn't fancy her in the slightest telling me he actually finds her unattractive and I'm a million times better etc.
Anyway, Curiosity got the better of me and I recently went further through his phone to find messages from a few months back that confirmed they were more then just "mates". There was nothing extreme or nothing to suggest anything physical but there was clear flirty banter there and clear disrespect. For example, her asking him if she liked her outfits she wore that she posted on Instagram and him telling her no comment but I saw them and liked them. She is one of these girls who wears tiny skirts and fishnets and posts tonnes of pictures of herself posing!! What hurts so much about this is it was weeks after we just had another baby he was commenting on her skimpy photos. I had a very traumatic birth and wasn't well for a while postpartum so I couldn't believe he would disregard me like that. And following another mental breakdown my husband had shortly after the birth of our baby that I supported him through despite going through my own postpartum sturggles,.the timing of these messages has devastated me.
I think more than the flirty chat was more the conversations where it looked like he had actual feelings for her i.e telling her he's been worried sick about her coz she drove home late from a gig in the rain one night. Why would you be sat home giving a girl from work a second thought? He also bought her a birthday present which I couldn't believe!! All the while telling her he doesn't want her husband to know coz he might find it weird!
This all blew up and I went ballistic and I told him I wanted to leave him. He has borken his heart over it and totally cut ties with her and has confessed to the flirty banter and that it's totally out of order he just said he just wanted attention and to be liked but he has zero feelings for her. I know he wouldn't go there with her physically coz she is the complete opposite of what he likes in a woman particularly in terms of morals, I know he just enjoyed the thought of it perhaps. but the fact he enjoyed the flirting and attention is enough for me. And also if I hadn't have found these messages it would have continued and who knows. I've always felt in my heart I know he wouldn't physically cheat but I feel this is still hugely hurtful but he seems to just explain it as stupid flirty banter that has no meaning behind it whatsoever. He seems very genuine in his promises that he is deeply regretful and sorry and that it wasn't her he liked just the attention but has it gone too far? I'll also add it was even harder to swallow coz we've had pretty much zero intimacy and not been close for a long time due to pregnancy, me having a traumatic birth and horrendous recovery and him having multiple breakdowns. So seeing him seem to lust over another woman and put energy into her was pretty heartbreaking. I do feel there has been and still could be alot to fight for in this marriage but at the same time I don't want to be a mug and I have found these actions so betraying and made me ask so many questions. Any advice welcome :(