Terrible relationship with my mum and sister. Now getting dragged back in.

[DontForgetToBreathe]

My mum has always been very narcissistic, we’ve had a terrible relationship since I was a child. From her watching me being almost killed by my brother beating me into a coma in front of her while she egged him on when I was 15 to years later getting on again on and off, deciding to get on sometimes but leaving me each time I’ve had my children. No message from her at all or visiting me in hospital or coming round. She tells people she gets on with me so she keeps it a secret that we have a bad relationship.

Suffice to say we have an awful relationship, and a very dysfunctional family. She has adored my younger sister, and lives close to her. Fast forward many years she’s now very old and my younger sister has some contact with my mum every week.

My older sister has no contact with my mum or our younger sister at all. For some reason I try to maintain a relationship open to communication. I talk to them all. I don’t see them physically. I have my boundaries and they seemed fine with that. Once in a while and we are civil. I will chat to my mum on the phone, this was since the pandemic and everyone was communicating. My mum lives in an elderly residents home alone.
My younger sister would like me to help out with my mum, and she’s created a group chat with me and my big sis in it. She herself is pretty drama filled herself. Big massive arguments every once in a while screaming shouting matches with people. Everything that I detest.

I have stayed away and enjoyed a drama-free life but now my mum is pushing me again into a corner to take her to the doctors and take ownership of her deteriorating health.

I am not a cold person. Middle child here- always made my own friends and lived alone since I left home after my brother and mum tried to strangle me (I was a straight A kid not even rebelling but did always answer back ) I was 16 when I left home and have managed to get my shit together. Being dragged into their awful toxic circle terrifies me still. Am I selfish, unreasonable? Do people change and am I obligated to share looking after my mum? She’s normally okay and very mobile and healthy, but will pretend she’s much more ill than she is to get people involved into caring for her.

My honest opinion would be for you to leave the chat group. You don't need their issues.

My brother is no longer around (her golden child) - she fell out with him when he threw a table at her. I still blame her for everything. For all of it. I do okay normally except when they try to gaslight the past and guilt trip me into getting back into the family (because family is everything now :) aww bless

I keep my kids away from them and have a loving dh and I have been extra protective to not let their dysfunctional chaos enter my life, and enter into the kids. They are not in a bubble … but I do not want them to normalise that kind of aggressive manipulative behaviour.

I'm so sorry you've been through all of this. Your description of your mother egging your brother on made my hair stand on end.

I would say leave the Whatsapp group,and focus on your real family. Your loving husband and children.You aren't beholden to anyone that treats you like shit.

Just felt like my mum tried to curse me on the phone now because she had an emergency red eye and wanted me to go hospital with her in the morning. It was a Subconjunctivitis hemorragh. Also my sons GCSEs and I had taken time off to do this, and be there and drop off son to early sessions at school. They’ve all kicked off with me again. Testing my ‘boundaries ’ I feel every once in a while.

Simple! Stay away from these toxic people.

Let the fuckers kick off! They have no right to pick you up and put you down, and suddenly require 'support'.What does ur DH think?Is he supporting you?

I wanted to add, I don’t believe in curses but it’s not nice is it when your mum who you think you have a okayish relationship with after years of playing within the boundaries decides to do the whole ‘to hell with you…’ thing to you on the phone.

DH thinks she’s awful but only saw it after we had children.

Change your phone number and stop all contact. Why are you allowing this to happen to you again ?

Is there any benefit to you staying in touch with them? It doesn’t sound like they bring anything good to your life, just guilt tripping you and taking advantage.

People tend not to change fundamentally, even with ill health and ageing.
You were wise to keep yourself and your family away from all the drama that was so awful for you as a child.
Best to keep doing that.

Leave the WhatsApp group
Let them tantrum if they want to. Your DH will support you so just don’t engage.

Any contact you do want to have needs to be on your terms only.

The relationship just creeped back in and seemed ‘okay’-ish’. I even ‘missed’ my mum. My friends have said the same things as you all, but I wanted to hear something else I guess. I feel huge guilt when I hear her voice all frail and she was genuinely scared her eye was all red and she wanted my help. Does the guilt of not being there for your mum in her older age ever stop?

I think what you missed is what you hope your mum would be.And you know really she’s not going to change, however much you wish she would.
As pp have said, leave the group, change your number or block them all. You deserve a happy life, not a misery tinged one.

Thank you all, I really needed a bit of handhold last night.