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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband texting woman

34 replies

PST2022 · 18/05/2023 15:30

Around a year ago I saw a message on my husbands work whatsapp thread to a woman on his work phone (never heard of her before this) saying "can you keep a secret" I didn't like the sound of it so I scrolled and found lots of flirty banter messages, nothing was ever explicit but there were a couple of responses from her referring to his wife i.e 'your poor wife' other stuff including him telling her how amazing she is at her job and she needs to work somewhere she is valued etc.

Turns out she works in the same industry as him so they have a work relationship (where sometimes they need to discuss things but have never worked in the same office etc)

There was a very long thread of messages, lots of emojis, laughing, joking etc I confronted him and after being VERY defensive I basically asked him if I was standing over his shoulder and could see what he was saying would he still send the messages and he said 'no I wouldn't'

At the time I was battling with severe post natal depression while he was in the room next door sending messages to another woman saying how amazing she is at what she does.

Anyway we worked through it - I tried not to think about it much over the following months. He works from home everyday and we live in a small house, so the room where his laptop is I can see when his whatsapp's are open, I have often seen the same woman pops up in convo but then the next time I look the thread has been deleted.

This has been happening for a few months so I haven't seen what they actually say.

He recently went on a 2 day work trip where I knew she would be so I snooped once he was back - He started a convo with her the next day asking if she got home safely and then spoke about a job opportunity and said 'lets make this happen' as in he is desperate to work more closely with her.

I understand he may have to talk to her for work purposes, however I find the constant deleting of threads really strange, especially considering they are on his work phone and he should have to keep them to refer back to?

I know if I had never found the initial messages where it was very flirty that it would still be happening and I feel like in the recent messages he holds back so much, as in he is really trying to make her laugh but in a way that if I was to see the messages he could defend himself.

I would really appreciate opinions on this please x

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 18/05/2023 15:48

He’s basically cheating on you and continuing to do so, manoeuvring this woman back into his workplace. It’s disrespectful and you’re not his priority as you should be

Jolie654 · 18/05/2023 15:48

It doesn’t look great that he is deleting the chats tbh. Doesn’t necessarily mean anything is going on physically, but he obviously wants to hide the true nature of the conversations for an easy life and so as not to risk rocking the boat with you.

I can see how you’d be feeling vulnerable and insecure, but you can’t control him. It must be miserable feeling you have to check up on him. It sounds like he has a crush on her.

you’ve explained how it makes you feel, he is still doing it, you can’t make him stop, as unfair as it is. Getting upset and trying to police him is just going to drive it further underground and may even make it more thrilling for him.

is there anything you can do for yourself for a while? Focus on your own life and things you enjoy to take the focus off him and build your self esteem a bit? Valuing yourself more and making yourself the focus instead of him may encourage him to do the same, and when some time has gone on he will hopefully he lose interest in her, as it doesn’t seem to be serious, for now.

has he at least apologised and tried to reassure you?

Likethestarsabove547 · 18/05/2023 15:50

Well it sounds like he's having an emotional affair if nothing else tbh.
I'm not sure i could move of from that but that's me.
How are you doing with your postnatal depression? I hope you've got help.
Really shitty of him to do this at any point let alone when the mother of their child is struggling.
How do you feel about it all? Are you still in love with him, do you want to work through it. You need to decide on all of that and then go from there

Original poster
PST2022 · 18/05/2023 16:23

@Shoxfordian thank you it's exactly how I feel and just needed some validation thank you so much for taking the time to comment xx

OP posts:
Original poster
PST2022 · 18/05/2023 16:25

@Jolie654 yeah this time I'm not even approaching it, I give him, we've had so many similar situations over the years that I can't be bothered anymore.

Will just focus on myself as you say, Thank you so much for your response x

OP posts:
Original poster
PST2022 · 18/05/2023 16:28

@Likethestarsabove547 I'm so bad at letting things go they just continue eating me up, I feel like it's an emotional affair too, I know if I said that to him he would just say I'm pathetic.
My LO is 15 months now and I only just feel like I'm approaching the other side of depression.. to now deal with this again.

I'm just bored of it now, I moved away from all my friends and family to move to his area, get married, have a baby etc in this is how he treats me.

I've been through a lot worse in life so I'll be fine, thank you so much for your advice, I appreciate it xx

OP posts:
Nancy6 · 18/05/2023 16:39

@PST2022 I’m going through a vet similar situation and feel it’s about to come to a head. I can’t keep going on like this. Sending positive vibes and strength to you.

Nancy6 · 18/05/2023 16:40

very

itwasntmetho · 18/05/2023 16:46

I think this often happens to the person who has left their friends/ family/ life, it's like men loose respect when you are completely available for them and have less going on. It is cruel though, can you get a break from him? go visit your area and reconnect with your friends for a while?

Nelly10 · 18/05/2023 16:52

Don’t stay OP. My H was having flirty banter with a colleague when I had postnatal depression years later I found it was a full blown affair along with many others. Don’t be like me and leave now! I wish I had left when I discovered them emails. If you can get through postnatal depression you can do this ! Good luck x

Original poster
PST2022 · 18/05/2023 17:17

@itwasntmetho yes thats exactly what I plan to do, I was so anti marriage because of situations like this, but he managed to talk me into it and I changed everything for him just to be made to look so stupid.
Thank you for your advice x

OP posts:
Original poster
PST2022 · 18/05/2023 17:18

Nelly10 · 18/05/2023 16:52

Don’t stay OP. My H was having flirty banter with a colleague when I had postnatal depression years later I found it was a full blown affair along with many others. Don’t be like me and leave now! I wish I had left when I discovered them emails. If you can get through postnatal depression you can do this ! Good luck x

@Nelly10 I'm so sorry to hear that, I hope you are much happier now. Thanks for your response xx

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 18/05/2023 17:21

Make your plans to leave him; it’ll happen again if you forgive it again x

TrudyTrifle · 18/05/2023 17:22

Op, I am in a very similar situation to you and completely understand what you are going through. I almost thought I was reading my own situation back other than the work trip thing. No real advice but offering solidarity and an unmumsnetty hug 💐 It’s shit.

Saucemonkey · 18/05/2023 17:42

I would leave as I would never be able to trust him again. But that is me and you have to make the choices that are right for u.
I couldn’t look him in the eye again.

MsDogLady · 18/05/2023 18:33

PST, when you expressed your discomfort, your H admitted that their flirtation was inappropriate. At that moment he should have distanced himself from OW, but instead he dismissed your feelings and continued their emotional affair, deleting the evidence. It sounds like they got closer during the work trip and are engineering more frequent contact via a new job for her.

He really is a nasty piece of work who pushed for you to give more while he has given less. Now he is devaluing all your efforts to pursue illicit validation and ego massages elsewhere. I would be livid to be put in such a position that OW is commenting ‘your poor wife.’

It’s telling that manipulative H would call you ‘pathetic’ if you challenged his continued infidelity and disloyalty. He has no respect or care for you or your child.

PST, please don’t settle for this farce of a relationship which will destroy your peace of mind. Formulate an exit plan asap.

itwasntmetho · 18/05/2023 18:45

PST2022 · 18/05/2023 17:17

@itwasntmetho yes thats exactly what I plan to do, I was so anti marriage because of situations like this, but he managed to talk me into it and I changed everything for him just to be made to look so stupid.
Thank you for your advice x

He really hasn't made you look stupid, he's made himself look like a disloyal piece of shit.

NO ONE could predict this when they take a leap like you did, this happens so often to so many people.

You actually did something brave taking a chance and if you fuck him off now then you were brave twice and he was a cocky complacent tool, thinking he can enjoy an ego trip that makes you feel like shit, while you just have no choice but to hang around watching it happen.

powerrangers · 18/05/2023 18:55

Jolie654 · 18/05/2023 15:48

It doesn’t look great that he is deleting the chats tbh. Doesn’t necessarily mean anything is going on physically, but he obviously wants to hide the true nature of the conversations for an easy life and so as not to risk rocking the boat with you.

I can see how you’d be feeling vulnerable and insecure, but you can’t control him. It must be miserable feeling you have to check up on him. It sounds like he has a crush on her.

you’ve explained how it makes you feel, he is still doing it, you can’t make him stop, as unfair as it is. Getting upset and trying to police him is just going to drive it further underground and may even make it more thrilling for him.

is there anything you can do for yourself for a while? Focus on your own life and things you enjoy to take the focus off him and build your self esteem a bit? Valuing yourself more and making yourself the focus instead of him may encourage him to do the same, and when some time has gone on he will hopefully he lose interest in her, as it doesn’t seem to be serious, for now.

has he at least apologised and tried to reassure you?

Really? You are suggesting a very accepting approach. No way would I accept his cheating

Loubelou14 · 18/05/2023 18:58

This happened to me and although he said he'd stopped 2 years later I saw more messages. That was enough for me and I ended it. I could never trust him again and I couldn't live like that. I'm happier than I've ever been. Nobody will ever treat me that way again. He stayed with her until very recently but it didn't work out.

Jolie654 · 18/05/2023 19:10

powerrangers · 18/05/2023 18:55

Really? You are suggesting a very accepting approach. No way would I accept his cheating

Show quote history

You don’t know he’s cheating. He’s been talking to a woman at work. Possibly inappropriately but not sexually as I understood it?

OrbandSpectacle · 18/05/2023 19:15

Ask yourself would he be chatting like this to, and wanting to work closer to, 63 year old Brenda with the dodgy knees or Dave from accounts?

Original poster
PST2022 · 19/05/2023 08:04

So I confronted him last night and his response was that he deletes the messages as he knows how upset I got last time and doesn’t want me to have to see that they message for work purposes but there is nothing not work related being said -

i challenged it all and he said I’m just talking nonsense 🙄

OP posts:
RunThroughTheJungle · 19/05/2023 08:13

When I found out about my husbands emotional affair I kicked him out. It's as much a betrayal as a sexual affair, I'd argue even more so. He had a sexual affair 16 years ago and this emotional affair is the one that broke us, and not only because it was his second. He had feelings for this one. I genuinely felt I could compete against the sexual affair but that I didn't stand a chance against an emotional one. It'll wear off for him, I know the man inside out and I know the exact process it will all follow... but I'm gone now. I'll thrive and long term he won't.

Yellowdays · 19/05/2023 08:18

He would say that. He's talking nonsense. There is only one reason he is deleting stuff, and you know what it is.

FartSock5000 · 19/05/2023 10:59

@PST2022 he is gaslighting you now.

If everything was innocent and just office banter, there would be no need to sneak around.

He is a liar, emotional cheat and gaslighting bellend.

From what you've revealed on this thread all he does is take. You're the only one giving and you never get anything back.

For him to be indulging in his little crush while you were vulnerable with PND and a new baby is disgusting.

He doesn't even respect you enough to prioritise you and the baby over his own wants.

OP, you deserve better than him.