I need therapy don't I? Please advise.

[suckerin]

Do I need therapy? I think I already know the answer; but I guess my real question is, will therapy work?

I have been in a long term relationship for 3.5yrs- we have a nearly 2 year old. We both have children from previous relationships. My son is 12 and his son is 5.

My partner and I have known each other since we were teens; same circle of friends. But never romantically connected until we re met 3.5 years ago (dating app!).

So, we have always had each other on social media, and seen each other through that ‘lens’. His ex (mum of son) and him were together very quickly, pregnant, turbulent and ended things when their son was around 4-5 months old.

My issue is, my partner was OBSESSED with her. Plastered her over SM, “love of my life” “how lucky that I have finally met my dream girl” “look how beautiful she is” etc etc… you get the idea. He proposed to her very quickly also. Timeline was met in nov, pregnant by feb/March, engaged July, ended following March. Ish. He also had his ring finger tattoo’d in this time also. Some symbolic thing between the pair. But they always looked so in love. Happy, having fun etc etc.

He was infatuated with her. And rightly so, she is beautiful. Very naturally beautiful too. She ended the relationship, they went to counselling, mediation etc to try and sort things but in the end it was her who had the final say. He was distraught. Tried to end his life (I think it was a cry for help perhaps.) he was unstable for a while, started gambling and drinking a lot. Got into debt. Begged her to come back to him etc etc.

Moving swiftly on, we met. We got on great. I didn’t know too much about their relationship at the time, I just knew it was quite up and down. And that he had had therapy and sorted his life out/himself.

Since then I have done something not great (I know) and gone through his iPad. He gave it to me and said I can use it etc. but it was all logged in to his account- he knew this. I trust him, it was more I was inquisitive. I started to look at photos of them in his album, I saw old messages, just everything.

It’s made me feel awful. I feel so anxious. He spoke to her in a way he has never ever spoken to me. Yes, he tells me he loves me etc. but he was just wonderful to her. Showered her with surprises and love. And now I’m thinking, why isn’t he like that with me? Is he still in love with her or maybe she was the ‘one’ and he won’t ever feel like that with me? He took her away spontaneously, told her she was beautiful all the time etc etc. she was all over his SM; I hardly feature. Now and again he may put a story up or something. (I have spoken to him regarding this and he states he would never be like that again on SM as it was embarrassing when it ended etc.)

I just feel like I’m not good enough for him. Otherwise he’d be like that with me? Am I wrong? Can anyone talk some sense into me or is this deep rooted. I can’t believe I went through hundreds of photos of them both. He never or rarely takes any photos of me or us.

What do I do? Do I confess I had a nose and see what he says?

He had notes written down about her, their relationship etc and how much he will always love her (I assume these were written on his notes, then sent to her). It was gut wrenching to read and I just can’t shake it off. I’m an idiot for looking. I looked with the intention of looking for things of them both. Why?! I am mad!

I’ve only met her once. She was lovely! We got on fine. And I think we will probably be meeting soon to get our children together too. They live a little way away and my partner sees his son in holidays etc. when they broke up and he was fragile he didn’t see him for a while; they had mediation when we were together to amend and it’s slowly becoming better.

What do I do? I just feel like a huge weight. It's something I have always thought btw, purely from seeing their relationship on social media. I've never felt like I'm the one, and that she always will take that place. I understand social media is not true and people put things up that they want people to see. But I guess it's just hard to see this. I spent hours looking through everything. And now I feel like I'm not good enough or I'm not pretty/sexy enough. She has the perfect figure etc (I am slim but pregnancy has left me with a mum tum and stretch marks everywhere.)

I don't want to be woe is me. And I guess I will never know how he truly feels about me or her still. So how do I get over this??

It also sounds like he was 19 or something back then?...

Two issues, yours is low self esteem, jealous and no respect for privacy or boundaries.

him, you breached his privacy , I don’t know what made you think it was ok, I’d end a relationship for that shit. That was really private stuff and historical too, if it’s time, their relationship is over.

so yes, I think you need some support.

I agree. What should I do?

I don't believe in there being 'the one'. Maybe he's learned his lesson from being too obsessed and he's doing things in a calmer, more mature way with you. I would just park the fact you looked through his ipad, and quietly get help for your low self esteem and then work out if you want to stay with him or not, based on what you want, not whether you measure up to his ex.

Yes it all happened pretty quick with them, but tbh, you've both moved pretty quickly in your relationship too if you were pregnant after only dating 18 months or so by what you say.
He's a man who moves fast as he's not in check with his emotions, what he did with her was lovebombing, but I'd guess once real life and motherhood happened for her, what she needed was a mature man who would support her and her child and step up, but maybe he didn't.
Hopefully, the pain and experience he went through has had a maturing effect on him, so what you are getting is a more measured and responsible person, which is far more what you need in a father and in a relationship in general. As long as you are happy with his present version, don't dwell on the past and move on from it yourself, stop looking at stuff.

Tbh it sounds like what they had was infatuation.

Staying with someone, marrying them, building a life with them...that's love.

It sounds like what they had was up and down and good then bad and altogether unhealthy. I mean, he even needed therapy by the end of it.

So put it behind you and let it go.

What do you do? Have a word with yourself and seek help for your chronic low self esteem.

His relationship with his Ex and his relationship with you are two very different things and your problem is comparing the two.

I agree that that sounds more like it was infatuation bordering on obsession - not healthy at all! What he has with you is normal and stable, which doesn't sound nearly as exciting - but is actually 100 times better.

I think you can’t expect to have the same kind of relationship with everyone. My husband actually says this to me a lot about my ex fiancé. He says I must have loved him more because we went on weekends away, nights out, or this or that, but really that’s not true. Of course I did love him but that doesn’t mean I don’t love my husband. It’s kind of hard to explain. My relationship with my ex was spontaneous, romantic, full of long nights out and it was a very fun place to be. My ex was very handsome and was inti the gym so had this perfect body. this also bothers my partner to this day (same gym years ago- awkward) . But, it was actually quite a toxic and stressful relationship.
My husband thinks sometimes that I must be bored of him, simply because we do normal stuff. We don’t go away every weekend, we don’t go on wild nights out and we aren’t off on holidays every 2nd month.
but I try to explain to him that now I’m 10 years older than when I was with that other guy, I own a home with him, have a full time job as does he, and it just wouldn’t be what I’m looking for now that type of life. But my normal life now doesn’t mean I don’t love him or want to be with him.
you’ll probably never know how he truly feels about his ex. But, what’s more important is how he’s making you feel. You could try therapy , it would probably be very helpful and a space where you can open up and maybe hear some external thoughts from a professional. I think you should mention it to him first that you saw these things and see what way he takes the convo. If it’s something you are this bothered by I think you should take it up with him and he will hopefully he understanding.

There is a reason they split. Maybe what he has with you is more realistic?

Sounds like he was love bombing that girl and it was all part of quite a dysfunctional relationship due to his immaturity. He has since matured and learnt how to be more stable in a relationship. This is good.
But reading his stuff is actually very serious. None of us l am sure would want stuff we wrote to others seen as it was of its time and cannot be compared to now. I could say ye have a more mature relationship but your invading his privacy means you haven't.