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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to do about horrible partner

32 replies

Lou2140 · 18/05/2023 13:44

Hi, I've just had a baby 2 weeks ago I also have a 6 year old from previous relationship. My partner has turned into an asshole since having the baby he goes out every night drinking doesn't help with the baby or around the house apart from making more mess for me, he'll change one nappy and make out he's done god's work he sleeps on the sofa at night and when I get up in morning with baby and start getting my daughter ready for school he goes into my room and gets into bed and sleeps all day. Last night I told him not to come back to my house it's not his house and he came back anyway I asked him to leave he then said to me the only way you'll get me out is if you phone the police and then I'll tell them you're a bad mum and get both your kids taken away. This upset me and I don't know why he'd say that I've not done anything wrong he also then proceeded to tell my I'm a bad mother to his child and my other child, which I'm not it wouldn't matter what I did or do it would never be enough. I came back from my mum's the other day and I couldn't get in my own house because he 'accidently' left the key in the door I phoned him to open the door and he said where have you been I said at my mum's and he said stop lying and accused me of being with another man which was not true. He then stormed out the house in temper and didn't come back until the next day he's done this numerous times and when he does come back he pretends nothing has happened. But after what he said last night that feels like the last straw for me and I want out of the relationship but I'm scared he's going to do what he said and cause problems. He also wants a dna test for our baby because he doesn't believe it's his baby he also tells everyone this insinuating that I sleep around which has also annoyed me. He's now currently giving me the silent treatment hasn't spoken in 2 days or even looked at his baby. He's never around always out with friends never asks if I'm okay or if his baby is ok. It's starting to affect my mental health and feel so drained. What can I do any advice please

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 18/05/2023 13:46

You have to leave him.

OhComeOnFFS · 18/05/2023 13:47

Oh god, tell him to fuck off. Let him pay for a DNA test if he wants one - you know what it'll show anyway. Get the locks changed if you can afford it. Get on to Child Maintenance about payments from him. Live your very best life. This complete idiot won't get anywhere by badmouthing you to the authorities - they won't believe a word he says.

TokyoStories · 18/05/2023 13:48

He’s abusive and it will only get worse.

It’s your home. Kick him out. You can get the police to help remove him if he won’t leave. Make sure you change the locks as soon as he’s gone.

Then I would contact women’s aid, and also enrol on the freedom programme.

Crikeyalmightey · 18/05/2023 13:49

As above, call the police, women's aid, and get rid.

Campervangirl · 18/05/2023 13:50

Next time he storms out, lock the fucker out for good.

WwhatEever · 18/05/2023 13:50

Call the police to get him out. Ignore his threats, the police would have heard similar malicious accusations a thousand times. Please, call the police today and get him out. And if he wants, a DNA test, he needs to organise it.

TheodoreMortlock · 18/05/2023 13:51

Speak to your health visitor about domestic abuse. Leaving you stuck outside the house and accusing you of having an affair is controlling behaviour, telling everyone you're promiscuous is controlling behaviour, threatening to make malicious reports to the authorities is controlling behaviour.

Contact the police yourself and tell them all of this and that he has threatened to make malicious reports.

Then when he won't leave, call the police and if he does make a malicious report then it will just support the information you've already provided.

purplecorkheart · 18/05/2023 13:53

Tell him to leave and call the police if he refuses to leave. If you can afford it change the locks immediately afterwards and keep the lock in the door in between.

Ignore his threat of getting the children removed from you as that is an empty threat to try and control you. No one is just going to take his word about your parenting.

Can you contact woman's aid and get their advice.

Flufferblub · 18/05/2023 18:08

My landlord changed the locks for me when I separated from my ex. Good luck op

Bananalanacake · 18/05/2023 19:15

You say he lies in bed all day, does he work, if not how does he contribute to bills and food, it's great he doesn't live at yours full time. As someone else said call the police to remove him if he is not on the tenancy agreement.

Flufs · 18/05/2023 19:23

Yep you’ll need help to get him out. Police. Lock change. Have you friends or family who can stay for a couple of days.

BigglyBee · 18/05/2023 19:24

Please don't try to deal with this on your own. Tell your Health Visitor or Midwife. If you are the slightest bit afraid of him then call the police (in fact, speak to them anyway about coercive control and domestic abuse). Get all the support you can, from anywhere you can. Women's Aid can advise you about the safest way to end the relationship and keep yourself and your children safe.

He is talking out of his arse about having your kids removed. Isn't it interesting though, that he didn't threaten to take the baby away and raise them himself?What a prince! If you are afraid to end the relationship then the police should help you.

PaigeMatthews · 18/05/2023 19:30

purplecorkheart · 18/05/2023 13:53

Tell him to leave and call the police if he refuses to leave. If you can afford it change the locks immediately afterwards and keep the lock in the door in between.

Ignore his threat of getting the children removed from you as that is an empty threat to try and control you. No one is just going to take his word about your parenting.

Can you contact woman's aid and get their advice.

This.

Tinkerbyebye · 18/05/2023 19:31

It’s your house, change the locks so he can’t get in, collect up his stuff and leave it outside the door

tell him it’s over. Go to cms and get maintenance (if he works ) and tell him to go to court re access etc

CombatBarbie · 18/05/2023 19:41

You are stronger than you think. Next time he goes out, accidentally put a key in. Dump his stuff outside and call police if he refuses to leave.

ExtraOnions · 18/05/2023 19:45

You say he has only been like this since the baby arrived 2 weeks ago, what was he like before that ?
I find it odd that he would have a complete 180 in 2 weeks

Gettingbysomehow · 18/05/2023 19:49

These type of men are always full of shit. Call his bluff and get the police to turf him out.

Menopausalandtetchy · 18/05/2023 19:57

I’m so sad and angry to hear your story. You should be being nurtured and enjoying your new baby. This is horrible abuse- I echo all the other comments about leaving him and getting support. What an arse- get this behaviour out in the open as it’s horrible unreasonable and abusive, talk to your health visitor and seek help from Womens Aid. Good luck

Eyewantobreakfree · 18/05/2023 20:00

You tell him to leave, if he refuses call the police and have him removed. Get your locks changed and don’t let him back into your life. Men like that rarely change so please don’t waste your time on him. Don’t be afraid to tell your family the truth about his actions, you need all the support you can get x

Pinkbonbon · 18/05/2023 20:00

He's a standard abuser coming out with the usual abuser crap.

Even if he did say you were a bad mother, that's not what the police are there to assess. They couldn't give a fuck.

They deal with shit like him all the time.

Once hes gone don't let him back into your home ever again. Never be alone with him in private. If he wants to see the child (which hopefully he wont) then meet in public. When the kids older, drop it at his parents on visit days or have a friend or relative do pick ups and drop off.

Often abusers show who they really are when we have kids with them.

Run.

AgrathaChristie · 18/05/2023 20:02

TheodoreMortlock · 18/05/2023 13:51

Speak to your health visitor about domestic abuse. Leaving you stuck outside the house and accusing you of having an affair is controlling behaviour, telling everyone you're promiscuous is controlling behaviour, threatening to make malicious reports to the authorities is controlling behaviour.

Contact the police yourself and tell them all of this and that he has threatened to make malicious reports.

Then when he won't leave, call the police and if he does make a malicious report then it will just support the information you've already provided.

This. 100%.
If you know someone who can change a lock it’s cheaper to buy one ( Screwfix, Amazon, ToolStation) and get them to fix it. Start with your HV.

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 18/05/2023 20:12

Call the police, they wont take any notice of what rubbish he comes up with. Get rid and change the locks, hes abusive and should not be around young children.

GracePalmer33 · 18/05/2023 20:14

Jesus, I'm sorry. You are so much better off without him in your life. This threats of getting your kids taken away are nonsense so please don't let them worry you.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 18/05/2023 20:42

ExtraOnions · 18/05/2023 19:45

You say he has only been like this since the baby arrived 2 weeks ago, what was he like before that ?
I find it odd that he would have a complete 180 in 2 weeks

It's actually very common for abuse to start during pregnancy or immediately after birth. Because the abuser thinks "Ha, she's trapped!"

Op his mask has slipped now and you know what he's truly like. Do you have a friend or relative who could help you change the locks?

billy1966 · 18/05/2023 21:00

He's utter scum.

Ring the police and tell them you are being abused by an alcoholic waster, with a two week old baby in YOUR house..

You poor child witness to this shit show in YOUR house.

Get him out.