Feeling unseen

[FeelingUnseen]

Has anyone ever felt unseen in their relationship despite being with a partner who is a good and loving person?

My husband is loving and kind but for some reason I don’t really get the sense that he sees me or rates me. It’s really hard to explain and I’m not sure I understand it fully myself but here are some of my thoughts around it.

It could be because he can be a bit egotistical and self absorbed and I wonder if he has much space in his mind for other people, (not in terms of caring about them) but in terms of being able to see value in other people. His mother is quite narcissistic. She thinks her and her children are amazing, but you will never hear her acknowledge anything good about anyone outside off her own family, so maybe that’s where some off it comes from.

I sometimes have “moments” where I look at my husband and think about how he is so handsome, intelligent, funny etc and how lucky I am. I’m not sure that’s something he experiences (or at least not with me). That’s what I feel is missing.

When I’ve spoken to him about it he has said it’s possible I am right about it being down to being self absorbed. He has also suggested himself that maybe he’s just aloof because he’s always been like that around women and found that women who were interested in him found his aloofness intriguing. That seems a bit odd to me as I have always experienced men as pursuers, but maybe some men are like this and find it works for them?

I also sometimes feel like his acts of kindness, desire for affection etc are actually more learned behaviours and about his own needs rather than “my wife if amazing and that inspires me to want to do these things for her/with for that reason”. Again, his mother in like this. She can be very loving and affectionate (even saying “I love you” to me) but something about it feels very hollow and learned in a way that I’ve never experienced with anyone else. I discussed this briefly with my psychologist and after telling her that I felt some of his behaviour seemed learnt and that he struggled with eye contact she asked me if I had ever considered whether he might be autistic. Given he’s so well adjusted socially I find it hard to think that might be true but I suppose it’s possible.

I’m wondering if any of this makes any sense to anyone. Thank you

Hi op.

I see you. You are not unseen. Sorry you are feeling like this. I’ve felt like that in the past and think that I was just taken for granted. Could this be the case here?

in regards to your “moments” and your husband not feeling the same way. Could this be due to having low confidence? But it’s very understandable that you would feel like this, especially if you find him self absorbed. I’ve come across many self absorbed and egotistical people in my time and it’s tiring and draining.They often lack the understanding of other people’s feelings hence which might explain his actions. But what I’ve learnt is this has nothing to do you with, it’s their issue, which is obviously affecting you.

Behaviours are usually learnt from a young age so it may be well the case he has learnt this from his mother. Can you talk to him at all about the situation or ways to improve how you feel?

My ex was like this op. It was soul destroying as I found myself constantly trying to make myself worthy and the longing to be acknowledged. He always said the right thing but it was just 'flat'.

It turned out he was just keeping me around for his kids really and i should have listened to my gut about it. I actually feel less lonely now I'm alone because at least now I'm not wondering why somebody doesn't seem to be that interested.

It doesn't sound like you're fundamentally suited to each other OP!

Have a look into validation within relationships, and attachment styles. You might find your relationship there.

@greentreeleaf I don’t know if I am taken for granted. I do think he cares, but it’s more like the way you would care about a family member, it’s not because they inspire something in you because of who they are, it’s more that they are your family and you have familiarity and shared experiences. I don’t know if that makes sense?

I did actually suffer from low self esteem for a long time but I’ve done a lot of work on myself and I’m so much better. Yet when I look at our relationship I still feel like something is missing and I often compare with other relationships where I could sense that the other person saw things in me that they liked.

I have tried talking to him about it, but I don’t know if I’m able to articulate it properly or if he really gets what I mean.

@Dontknownow86 Yes exactly. He does try but it just feels so flat like you said. I don’t know if that’s just how he is or if I’m just not able to inspire the feelings you normally have around someone who you really value

Do you actually feel good being with him op?

@Dontknownow86 Do I feel good about myself because of him? No, not really but after many years I’ve finally learnt to derive my self esteem from myself and not from external validation as I used to and I do feel better because off if. Do I feel good otherwise? I feel happy to be loved and to love someone who I value. In my past relationships I often felt valued but other people weren’t able to inspire the feelings in me that my husband does towards him. I just wish there was some way to fix this one thing about us.

I think I understand what you have written op. I don't feel properly seen and validated. I get the feeling there might be a deep connection missing but I put it down to other things for instance, that we are just different (male and female etc). Then I get into the mindset that being different is actually a positive and has a balancing effect. The difficulty I have is that I was never ever seen or validated whilst growing up so I'm not completely sure what this looks like and this is the most validated I have ever felt (it wouldn't take much to raise the stakes with this from my upbringing). DH provides stability, works hard etc. I can appreciate this. I also know I have a lot of work to do on myself in terms of validating myself etc. Chuck in the the perimenopause and it feels a bit bleak. Do I feel lonely, yes.

OP,

Sorry, I know this post was a while ago but I found it while searching and wanted to say that I am experiencing the same with my DP.

It's interesting that you had low self esteem in the past and now, after work, you feel better, I'd suggest, maybe more connected to yourself, and your own emotions? I feel like when that happens, you are able to connect more easily with others, but also that you can feel that connection when its there, and when it's not.

I'm currently looking into whether my DP is on the autistic spectrum as I feel what you describe and that he's not able to connect with me emotionally at times when I need support. People who have autism often can;t connect emotionally and have to learn behaviours to try to make other people feel seen and understood. It's very hard for them, but on the other side you do end up feeling that they are being hollow, because they don't feel that natural empathy neurotypical people do. I recently found this article I found helpful - https://asdmarriage.com/2022/06/11/the-criminalization-of-emotion-in-neurodiverse-marriages/

Good luck Op

I totally feel exactly the same in my relationship. I feel as if I’m just an extra in my partner’s show. At the same time he’s so loving and nice , i don’t want to ruin our relationship but i feel as if I’m empty a lot of the time. Like there’s no deeper connection. I’m unsure if it’s just me expecting too much. It’s really confusing