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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Cheating partner making me guilty

14 replies

Harveybelle · 18/05/2023 11:53

Hey there,

I found out last week my husband cheated. He's messaged multiple women and admitted sex with one.

I made a decision to separate. He's been away this week so we've had space (this was planned) and he's returning tomorrow.
We've said we'll talk then as we didn't have much chance before he had to leave.

But he keeps apologising and saying please dont say it's over etc etc.

I know I don't be able to forget or get over it but I also feel stupidly guilty for saying this! We have a child so need to be on good terms..

Anyone else had similar?

OP posts:

itwasntmetho · 18/05/2023 12:02

He's putting responsibility for the break up onto you. He made it over.

nats2010 · 18/05/2023 12:27

My exH cheated and when it came out he had begged me to make another go of it. I stupidly stayed. He then tried to find anything to pin on me to take the blame away from him and make it my fault that he cheated because I did a, b, c or whatever reason. I left several months later with my mental health barely intact. I honestly would not recommend staying. I have two kids who are now 16 and 14. We split 6 years ago and have 50/50 custody. The mental strain and the admin for the kids all falls to me. My k8ds live out of bags as they are on the move all the time. I am civil with my exH because we have to manage the kids but my goodness it is difficult. He is narcissistic and they don't say much to him because they have to walk on eggshells around him. I'm glad they are the age now they can stand up for themselves and he can't influence them any more. I hate that I walked away from my marriage knowing I would turn their lives upside down, but equally so now that they are older, they know why I couldn't stay and agree that they would not have wanted the marriage to keep going because they were also stuck in the middle at the time. I have always been very open and honest with my kids. I want them to know they are loved and that they do not need to stay in an abusive relationship. Their happiness is my first priority always.
No one can tell you what to do OP. You have to make decisions based on the information you have in front of you and how you want your future to be. You have to be happy and able to live with whatever decision you make.
Sending love at this very difficult time for you. You have a lot to process. Take care of yourself x

perfectcolourfound · 18/05/2023 12:40

Why would you feel guilty?

He cheated. He lied. He wrecked your relationship. He proved himself to be untrustworthy and not to value your relationship enough.

It isn't your responsiblity to overlook all his failings. If you decide to split (an entirely logical and understandable decision) then it's HIM that wrecked everything.

Was he thinking of your relationship, your feelings, your child, when he cheated on you? I think not.

booksandbrews · 18/05/2023 13:11

He effectively ended the relationship by cheating and breaking your marriage vows. If you ‘stay together’ it’s because you’ve both chosen to embark on a new relationship, together (something which does happen but requires a huge amount of work and commitment from both sides). So you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Lieslies · 18/05/2023 13:29

He made the decision to end your relationship when he started all those actions, which were all deliberate choices. He knew the likely consequences and still decided to go ahead.

It's really cowardly to manipulate the cheated-on person to have to be the one to say the words 'it's over'. But his actions already ended it. It was his choice.

Don't feel guilty because he refuses to say the words to back up his own decision.

Original poster

Harveybelle · 18/05/2023 16:07

Thanks all. I know all of this, and my decision isn't going to change, it's just hard when it feels like you're being cornered into making the decision of 'its over'. 😩

OP posts:

CheeseyOnionPie · 18/05/2023 16:11

Ask him how he feels about you two staying together but you get to do the exact same - message multiple men and have sex with 1.

Redannie118 · 18/05/2023 16:21

He didnt feel guilty when he had his dick in another woman, so you shouldnt be made to feel guilty about ending things.

Sorry if that sounds a bit cruel OP but if you have him back its just greenlighting him to do it again. Ive lost count of the amount of women who fool themselves with the" He wouldnt dare do it again , knowing I wouldnt stand for it" when in fact hes actually in a better postion than he was the first time he cheated. First time he couldnt be certain you would take him back, but now he has that certainty. Leave , and dont look back. I wish I had.

YoucancallmeKAREN · 18/05/2023 16:56

My cheating exh told me affair number 2.3.4.etc was my fault because i forgave him the first one. Please do not let this be you. He will cheat again and is only begging because is easy life will be gone. Get rid.

Watchkeys · 18/05/2023 17:00

'You blew it when you broke our marriage vows. Don't put the responsibility for this on me.'

Grumpigal · 18/05/2023 17:03

Oh they do this, it’ll start with crying and begging and pleading and it’ll descend into blame and anger soon enough.

Hold your ground.

It took my ex years to finally get the message that I would never take him back. It was never about forgiveness or trust (of course those are massive), but I just had too much respect for myself to lower my standards to that degree. I didn’t hate him but I absolutely would never have been able to respect him or admire him again, knowing he had such low self control.

Best thing is don’t get drawn into discussion, come up with a stock response and stick to it

“I’m sorry that this has happened and I don’t hate you and want us to be on good terms for the kids but I don’t want to be in a relationship with you”

rinse and repeat

Smooshface · 18/05/2023 17:59

I tried to reconcile for 8 months but he started things up with the AP again and didn't have the guts to end it himself. It was terrible and i would not recommend unless he is absolutely 100% everything your way or the highway. Counselling, pincode to his phone, checking in constantly.

Boomshock · 19/05/2023 01:01

The vast, vast majority of cheaters will do the same.
They didn't want to split up, they wanted to have their cake and eat it.

We have a child so need to be on good terms.

That doesn't mean that you need to sit down and have chats with him about this and listen to him beg you or make you feel guilty. If he's not going to be civil after you split then he's not going to be civil after you split.

And often 'being on good terms' for the kids comes a period of time after the break up. First couples actually have to go through the process of the break up and the anger and the grieving and the hurt and tension etc. and then they can end up civil.

my decision isn't going to change, it's just hard when it feels like you're being cornered into making the decision of 'its over'. 😩

Just prepare a few phrases putting the blame back on him and repeat them over and over. No discussion about it.

Fraaahnces · 19/05/2023 02:05

Did you MAKE him cheat? Did you force his thumbs to move across his phone screen and actively search out these people? No? Nobody MADE him do these things. He CHOSE to. Don’t allow him the headspace to start justifying his vile behaviour. While he was doing this, where were you in his mind? Who were you to him? Nobody of value.

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