Family estrangement and cultural Identity

[candlelighter]

I am a Sikh and married to a caucasian man.

When we met we fully embraced my roots and my husband had a passion for all things Indian, predating meeting me.

We had a lovely wedding a blend of two cultures.

Fast forward 15 years and life has changed so much. My lovely dad's passing led to a terrible split in the family and I am largely estranged from my side of the family to protect my mental health and my nuclear family. Part of the huge fall out was my siblings ostracism of my husband not being part of their Indian culture. It felt very unfair.

It is really sad as my husband now finds Sikh related things stir up memories of how horrible my famiiy have been to him. I also feel like I have lost my cultural identity when my dad passed. I am a non practicing sikh in the sense I beleive in it but do not do anything outward.

I feel sad that I have lost my past and my husband has pulled down a mental barrier around that whole part of my life.

It sounds like your husband thinks Sikh = your family = bad, whereas to you they are just your family. Perhaps you could both make some new friends that happen to be Sikhs? Maybe attend some big festival events together?

Also your husband is being a bit of a dick, isn't he. Being Sikh is part of you, and clearly important to you. I can imagine that it feels like he dislikes who you are. How does he react when you talk about this?

@Agapornis I would be inclined to agree but they have been so atrocious towards him over many years( eg threatening him with violence and other extreme behaviour) that I imagine he has so kind of trauma related to it . He is a decent man- entirely blameless when it comes to my family and tried to fit in for many years.

Perhaps he's in need of some therapy, to stop associating the two. Do you have children? Is talking about their/your heritage banned in the house? Your feelings are as important as his. Does it feel like you're walking on eggshells should you bring up the topic?

Would you like to practice the religious side more OP? Is there a temple near you that you could go to sometimes? One that your side of the family doesn’t do to. Ideally somewhere you could bring you kids along or even your husband sometimes if you wanted?
I think what you’re wrestling with is a need to reconnect with your culture and religion but without needing to untangle or mend the family feud.

Does your husband need therapy to help him break link between being a Sikh and your families treatment of him.
You need space to be yourself in a relationship in order to be happy. It’s very understandable that you’re struggling with this.

It is really sad as my husband now finds Sikh related things stir up memories of how horrible my famiiy have been to him.

I think this is dramatic.

Can you reintegrate to a Sikh community which doesn't involve your own family? Attending events at a different Gurdwara, or not attending events when you know your own family will be there. If your husband doesn't want to reconnect at the same pace as you, that should also be an option too.

I'm from a mixed background and I can relate to the feeling of one aspect of you being almost "banned", in my case the non-English side of me. More recently I have tried to get involved in the other culture and sometimes I feel like a fraud, and also I've experienced very weird reactions from the English side, even mild aggression which is not normal for my family.

I agree with the posters suggesting building a relationship with the other culture outside of the context of your family. It may well provoke reactions or stir things up, I can't deny that.

The only other point I can make is that the longer it goes on, the harder it becomes to make that step in the sense that the idea of your disconnect from that culture becomes entrenched and it becomes a bigger and bigger step to overcome that as time goes on.

You are all so kind. Thank you.

I think part of it is I feel guilty about my family's treatment of him. He was trying to shield me from them but they waged war. I do feel like I can't mention much about being indian or Sikh around him.

He used to love the culture (he used to go
To punjabi concerts with my lovely dad )and now he says it just reminds him of my family.

I guess I can't force him to try and reconnect with me but I can dip my toes back in by visiting a temple and perhaps trying to make some Sikh friends.

Hey OP, not sure I can add much to the words of wisdom that have already been shared here, but just wanted to say my heart goes out to you - you are in a really tough situation.
I would echo posters who have suggested building your own relationship with Sikhism independently of your family. It's a really beautiful faith and I hope you find your groove in a new community.
I am a white Brit who loves Indian culture and am married to an Indian man. I have had a lot of problems with his family (well... Really just with his mum, who I have had to distance myself from temporarily due to some problematic and toxic behaviour that was destroying our peace of mind) but I always encourage DH to express his culture at home and to mark religious festivals (he is Hindu).
Cross cultural marriages can be really hard and when you throw misbehaving relatives into the mix as well it can test even the strongest couple.
Go with your heart and explore your culture and spirituality, and I very much hope your DH will follow you in due course when he has had some time to heal. Wishing you all the best 💐

I'm sikh, and my DP is Caucasian. Currently battling trying to introduce him to my family, my siblings have met him and like him, my mum and dad are ignoring his existence. It's heartbreaking, because he's done nothing wrong except love and cherish me.

I think you need to speak to your partner about the difference between being Sikh and the Indian and punjabi subculture. Vastly different things. Sikhism is not a culture but a religious way of life that values love and acceptance, and in fact the celebration of differing cultures and identities. Its about loving and nurturing each other to be kind and noble no matter what faith you do or dont follow. Learning about each others different identities, what makes them so special.
Your family are not 'being Sikh' in how they are treating him. What they are doing is dictated by their cultural values.

I agree with a pp about maybe seeking out a new Gurudwara where you can build a new relationship with your faith and he can be a part of that. Rebuild your relationship with this beautiful faith, you don't need to be practising to a major extent to live by Sikh values. And then with a little help, get your DP on board too.

Don't worry about the culture. Its the spiritual side you don't want to lose and what you should look to regain for mental wellbeing. The Indian culture is very toxic. Its not all about bhangra and too much alcohol at weddings.

You've got this OP

Sorry I meant get DP on board in being interested in what Sikhi means to you

Can you tell him you miss certain aspects of your culture? The large events might be enough for you.

@Gigglemous what a lovely, wise post. I hadn't really looked at it like that before so that is very helpful. Thank you 

@Olinguita I hear you completely. These cross cultural marriages with relatives being horrible is such a strain xx

@Gigglemous you know, it is really helpful for another Sikh person validating that the Punjabi culture can be toxic. When you are in it you know know different and always are told family values are sacrosanct.

Then the same family totally steam roller me and my husband and it is a baffling, lonely and sad place to be on the outside even though it does feel more peaceful.

I could’ve written your post myself OP- down to the imploding family when my dear dad passed away. I’ve managed to rebuild a relationship with one sibling and getting there with another but my husband just now tars Sikhs/ punjabi culture with the same brush and doesn’t want to know whereas previously he was so engaged. On top of that, we’ve moved to a less diverse area so I feel repairing and reacquainting him is that much harder, which has meant our child misses out on that side of her family and background.

I’m going to do what Gigglemous/PPs said and visit nearest Gurdwara and take child there.

I feel your loneliness and sadness.

@mackers1 I am so sorry you have been through it too, but also helps to know I amnot alone in this experience