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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

We’re very different in this sense

27 replies

qwerty81 · 18/05/2023 10:24

I’ve been with DP nearly a year now and it’s the best relationship I’ve been in. He’s kind, loving, affectionate and just brilliant.

There’s one difference which I know isn’t a deal breaker and probably sounds so trivial on here but I don’t know whether it’s worth getting down about.

We recently went to Florence on a city break, our first proper holiday, we had such a wonderful time. However, I am, and always have been, someone who takes a lot of pictures. Not so much for social media, more for myself. In the past I have kept photo albums of holidays etc and I just love them.

DP is wildly different. He barely takes any photos, never gets his phone out. He says he lives in the moment and doesn’t feel the need to get his phone out, which I do admire. He never posts on social media either. I know this is true as he had 5 pictures on his instagram before me, and his Facebook profile picture is from 2014 😂

It’s just that I’ve had boyfriends in the past who have always taken loads of pictures of me during holidays, candid ones and selfies, for them to look at too. They’ve always posted the holiday on social media. I’ve always equated this to love, because I do the same. So I feel is my current DP isn’t getting the urge to take photos of me, I worry he doesn’t feel that.

Also, I then feel like a nuisance/annoying taking photos. DP said he wants me to be me, and would never stop me taking photos, and won’t find it annoying (although photoshoots of each other is where he draws the line lol!). He wants us to be ourselves and do what we want, and he loves me for who I am.

He said he’d never think it but I just feel worried about being annoying now. He also looks really awkward when I take pics of us lol.

Is this a bad sign that he doesn’t want to take pictures?

OP posts:

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 18/05/2023 10:26

No, because it's not who he is. He shows love in other ways.

Original poster

qwerty81 · 18/05/2023 10:57

I guess, I just find it hard as all my previous partners loved it and I’ve always seen it as a way of showing love, as I do too

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 18/05/2023 11:21

It sounds like you’re really overthinking it. I take lots of pictures, my dh says I’m a happy snapper and he hardly takes any- it’s not because he doesn’t love me or we’re not having a good time

YouAreNotBatman · 18/05/2023 11:31

Talk about making problems where there ain’t none 😂!

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 18/05/2023 12:01

qwerty81 · 18/05/2023 10:57

I guess, I just find it hard as all my previous partners loved it and I’ve always seen it as a way of showing love, as I do too

And none of those relationships have lasted, so clearly it's not the be all and end all.

If he doesn't make you feel loved in other ways then that's an issue, but many people are uncomfortable with cameras. I relate to that idea of being so obsessed with capturing the moment, you fail to actually experience it.

TomatoSandwiches · 18/05/2023 12:07

Taking pictures doesn't equal love, none of your past relationships have lasted so why you would focus on this one thing I have no idea.
You need to believe what he is saying, he wants you to take pictures because it's important to YOU, he loves you just as you are and you should try to love him in the same way, he isn't the problem here.

purplecorkheart · 18/05/2023 12:08

I am like your dh. I am not into photos and prefer to enjoy the moment. I rarely look at photos to be honest.

C1N1C · 18/05/2023 12:11

purplecorkheart · 18/05/2023 12:08

I am like your dh. I am not into photos and prefer to enjoy the moment. I rarely look at photos to be honest.

I like this point... I wonder how many happy snappers actually go back and look at all their photos. It's OK spending the time taking them, but if they just end up clogging up a folder and you never revisit them, what's the point!

BuffaloCauliflower · 18/05/2023 12:12

Both me and DH are shit picture takers, and actually I wish we were better as I have a terrible memory and could do with more photos! I take more now of the kids and trying to do better, but I do also just live in the moment and don’t think to get the phone out a lot of the time.

It’s interesting you see picture taking as showing love, I just wouldn’t make that connection at all. But if you want to take pictures and he doesn’t mind, crack on! You’re just different and he might well appreciate those pictures later. I really don’t see him not taking pictures as less loving, wouldn’t occur to me at all.

MrsMorrisey · 18/05/2023 12:14

There is no problem here.
I don't take lots of photos. I don't see the point as God gave me a memory.

OhBling · 18/05/2023 12:16

OP, nicely, you are being ridiculous. You think because he doesn't take 1000 pictures of you he doesn't love you!?

It does rather sound like, even though you deny this, but that you want lots of public social media posting for your relationship to be real.

LuckyLinda3 · 18/05/2023 12:19

purplecorkheart · 18/05/2023 12:08

I am like your dh. I am not into photos and prefer to enjoy the moment. I rarely look at photos to be honest.

I'm exactly the same

SnackQueen · 18/05/2023 12:30

Are you always this mental?

JulieHoney · 18/05/2023 12:35

You're inventing problems, OP, and there's no need. He sounds lovely, and I'd far rather spend time with someone who was present and in the moment with me than someone taking loads of photos to look at later.

RemainAtHome · 18/05/2023 12:37

@qwerty81 I am like your DH.
i hardly take any photographs, incl of my dcs.
im now forever grateful if my parents who insisted I sent photos every week when the dcs were little because I would have had no photos of them either!!

What I’m trying to say is that taking a photo is not a sign of love.
Let’s be realistic, most people take photos and then hardly look at them. I know you do create photo albums etc… but how many of your past partners did? They might have put stuff on FB or IG and then what?

Look at your current partner. What does he do that shows his love? Concentrate on that.

bostonchamps · 18/05/2023 12:39

I don't think it's a bad sign at all but I do understand where you're coming from. My DH never EVER takes photos, and it can be annoying when you'd like one photo of yourself to look back on. I've had to 'train' him how to take nice photos from flattering angles, he just doesn't have a creative bone in his body. We've had some truly amazing holidays (we are very lucky) and I'm sometimes sad I'm not in any of the photos I took.

He still loves me though.

RemainAtHome · 18/05/2023 12:40

On the other side, I’ve always wondered how you could enjoy the present moment, concentrate on, not just what you see, but what you hear, smell etc… if you have always on the look out fir something worth photographing.

I personally find it sad to only experience something through a screen, even if it’s yours. I mean, you can do that at home iyswim

AncoraAmarena · 18/05/2023 12:40

Urgh. Everyone knows that the majority of the couples posting incessantly while on holiday (or anywhere, actually) instead of enjoying the moment and being with each other, are the ones whose relationship is as dry as a bone.

Says more about you OP, that you see this behaviour as a demonstraton of love. You should have more self-worth.

InceyWinceySpidy · 18/05/2023 12:43

You sound like you need a social media presence to validate your relationship. Because this isn't about pictures that he might have in private albums, this is about him "showing you off."

It's ok that you feel the importance to do this from your perspective, but just because he doesn't, neither of you are right/wrong.

If he had 300 pics of every ex uploaded online, and a year in, not one of you, that would be different. Or didn't want you having pictures that indicated you were together. But this isn't the case.

He doesn't mind that you do do it, so reciprocate and respect that he doesn't. Perhaps try and understand better what it is about an online presence that gives you the feeling of love.

Urgsleepmoresleep · 18/05/2023 12:44

My DP and I never really take photos. We have a handful of just both of us, but they are not great pictures. We are on holiday and he has just uploaded a few pictures on Facebook. Didnt even get tagged and I didn’t even realise he has taken pictures 😂

Aquamarine1029 · 18/05/2023 12:47

Op, you risk ruining a great relationship due to this superficial hang-up you have with social media. Posts on sm mean fuck all. It's real life that matters.

My 26 year old son has zero sm. None. His partner is secure enough to know that doesn't mean anything.

MMMarmite · 18/05/2023 12:51

I'm like him. I want to experience life directly, not through a viewfinder or phone screen. Especially if someone else is already taking photos of a trip, I feel no need to add to that.

It's actually a bugbear when I see people more interested in recording something than experiencing it. So many people at the coronation parade had their phones pointed at it. So they were presumably paying attention to the tiny phone screen, rather than the historic event right in front of them. And yet the event is already recorded in detail on telly and for newspapers, if they ever want to look back, at much higher quality. It makes me feel like people are missing the moment they're in, in order to have a poor quality recording of the moment.

Each to their own, though.

I don't think it means anything about love or how I feel about other people.

rainbowsprite2 · 18/05/2023 12:54

Posting photos on social media doesn't show someone love for you. I don't post anything on social media doesn't mean I don't love my husband, neither of us want photos of anything we do on there. We love each other very much. My sis posts photos of her and husband all the time, they don't actually want to be together but neither want to leave. The smiling happy photo isn't actuality real, it's a quick smile arms round each other then back to not even talking. Social media isn't real.

Beachhutnut · 18/05/2023 12:56

Not anything to be worried about. If you want to be in more pictures just get a selfie stick!

MMMarmite · 18/05/2023 13:00

qwerty81 · 18/05/2023 10:57

I guess, I just find it hard as all my previous partners loved it and I’ve always seen it as a way of showing love, as I do too

Not criticising those who do it, but it's quite a performative, image-based form of "love". "Hey look at me in this beautiful place with my beautiful partner so in love with each other". Deep, solid love doesn't need that external, image based validation. It can be fun, and I don't think it's harmful, but it's not really what love is.

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