My cousin has disclosed to me that she is in a violent relationship. She is also pregnant with her first child. The history between the family is long and complicated, overall though we are not close at all, so I am not sure what to do with this information.
Our mums are sisters and although we grew up until sub 10 years as close sides of the family, my aunt then split with her husband and then my side of the family and her side of the family had a large rift. We didn't see them or speak to them for many years. My cousin and her brother had a hard time, went the wrong way, had problems with the police and drugs/drink. Their father abdondoned them. My aunty just about kept it together for them but my grandparents had to step in a lot to help and my grandma still is now very involved in their lives. Much more so than mine or my siblings. My aunty got into a new relationship and he was violent. She eventually left, after lots of broken 'I can change' promises and suicide threats. She is now in a brilliant marriage and our families are somewhat healed. We now meet up at family gatherings, send Xmas cards, the occasional WhatsApp etc. There are another 2 aunties as well, so overall it is very layered and at times people feel sides have been chosen. I am pretty chill about it, just glad we are now all together and I enjoy my auntie's company. It is just always unspoken about why we were missing from each other's lives. I was a child so it was not my choice.
However, over the last few years my cousin has been in touch on WhatsApp. Often random, odd hours, odd overly familiar conversations. During lockdown she told me she had a drug problem(heroin, coke) drink problems, that her ex partner was violent, that she had up coming court dates, she had been to rehab etc etc. My mother knows none of this, but the other aunties all do and my grandma. All of this whilst me trying to politely respond to someone who I am learning to know again. I took it as a cry for help but wasn't sure what to do with the info. Often the next time I spoke to her she would behave as if she hadn't told me any of this. I kept it quiet from my parents as she asked me to and she feels her side of the cousins are the screw ups and my side are the celebrated ones. She once messaged me asking if I was menopausal (I'd given birth 3 months earlier) as she was worried about her fertility and she has been made to have 2 abortions, one in her late teens and then in her early twenties. This was on her mum's advice as our Grandma is very traditional and wouldn't accept a grandchild out of wedlock. The next day I checked in with her as she was desperately sad and she gaslit me and responded with no recollection. I assume she was using at the time as she was so erratic.
So fast forward to now and she is engaged to an older guy who is a sober alcoholic and is having his baby in September. She has been with him shy of 1 year. We were at the engagement/baby announcement party at the end of March. He is covered in tattoos, including his head, which my grandma can't bear. She won't even call him by his abbreviated name. She was clearly unhappy at the do. Today my cousin sends me a scan telling me she is having a girl. Amazing! Lots of celebratory messages. Then she says that my grandma has seen her tattoos for the first time (huge leg and arm ones she hides from her usually) as her dress rode up and grandma has said she is defacing her body and is a disgrace. Won't reply to her messages. I get it as grandma feels responsible for her as more than a grandchild and she is 88, from a very different time! Her and her brother often feel judged and scalded by grandma.Then she tells me that she wants to come and see me to chat babies.... but not my partner he is violent AF. I check, as in shouting or has he hurt you? Hurt her, more than once. But she says he has promised he won't do it again. Then he has done it again but now he means it, this time. He is violent most nights, but not others she says. Obviously I don't think she should be anywhere near him. Her and the baby have to be safe and healthy. However she says, grandma will disown me if I have a baby out of wedlock. My grandma can be stern and is traditional but I have never done anything to push her buttons nor did she had raise me so I haven't ever experienced this with her. She is very close with her mum but says she hasn't told her. She can't stay in a potentially life threatening situation just to avoid being potentially chastised! My grandma would want nothing other than baby and mum to be safe. Grandma helped my aunty escape her violent ex, she is not cold hearted, I see nothing but a loving grandma who is generous and kind. All my cousin seems to care about is not being a single mum to protect my grandma. If he is violent now, with the stresses of a newborn I dread to think what he would do. I am imaging a shaken baby situation.
What should I do? Tell my aunty? I would only be comfortable literally showing my aunty the chat and letting her decide what to make of it, not a phone call. If I do see her, I'd ask her not to tell my cousin I'm coming over, but that seems ominous. I wouldn't want my aunty to overtly say I told her, as I am betraying her trust and if she doesn't leave him then she has lost me as a confidant. I would have to tell my mum too if I told the aunty, as my mum already thinks they all have secrets from her. Which they do. I can't add to that. I know she won't leave unless she wants to/feels she can. I feel I am in an impossible situation but have a responsibility to help a vulnerable person and their baby. Help.