I don't know where to turn

[user2828282828]

Am at the end of the road with no where to turn. Am 60 years old working full time earn 30k WFH. Husband has lost his business due to covid and is finalising that now. We've lost our home and are in private rented. He has always drank but not every day - it's his release from stress! Yes that old chestnut. Anyway he lied all through covid not telling me how much he borrowed to keep the business afloat and got in so deep the business has failed. He used to have 35 staff and there are none now. He is doing consultancy now but it's hit and miss. Anyway he is still very stressed but so am I. We've no home and not much pension. I said I can handle anything if he just knocks the drink off - we can't afford it. But of course that isn't happening. I can't go on like this but have no where to go - I know I have to leave for my own future happiness but where can I go. I'd get 50% of nothing. Help.

Hi op, im sorry to read this. Sounds like your husband is in a downward spiral. Its tough when theyre spending hard earned money on alcohol when your skint. Have you tried to talk to him about it? What has been his response?

I've spoken about it 1000 times! He will never change and I know that. This is why I know I have to get out - I should have done it years ago. I just didn't want to break up my family. The good times are really good but now I'm really done.

You're living with an alcoholic and this state of chaos with you firefighting it will keep on happening until you decide to get off this merry go around. You've already lost your home. Did his business fail because of his alcoholism?. He is not going to knock the drink off at your behest; he is using alcohol to self medicate. Alcohol as well acts as a depressant.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You must be getting something out of this otherwise what is the point of you and he being together at all.

Whose name/names is the private rental in?. Can you afford to take this on your own?. Have you considered seeking legal advice re divorce?. After all you're still married to this man and I do not suppose you at all fancy being his carer when his alcoholism catches up with him, which it will inevitably do.

And you're right; you should have left him years ago. But you did not and that choice is on you. However, it's still not too late for you to remedy that error of judgment.

I daresay your now adult children have never said thanks mum to you for remaining with him and they likely wonder why you and he are together at all. You can - and should rebuild your life now without him in it.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I know it's on me! And I'm hoping it's not too late as I now realise I've been a huge idiot. The rental is joint - I can't afford it on my own. No I haven't asked for legal advice as there is nothing to split. The business 100% did not fail due to alcohol. There just was no work in covid.

I can identify with some of your narrative when it comes to the business aspect. We lost absolutely everything to the tune of £millions, (our beautiful home, farmland, properties and other tangible assets, a very long time ago.) Eventually I had to get out because he continued to gamble with money we didn’t have.
We salvaged a “friendship” from the ashes until he passed away but before I left he was on a path of total destruction.

Feel the fear and get it done. You are working so presumably you have options? Find your path and follow it.
Good luck.

No it is not too late to leave him.

Seeking legal advice is worth doing here even though you think there is nothing to split. There is the question of the joint rental and there is also your pension. Also knowledge here is power. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

A room in a house share temporarily might work for you whilst you get sorted - unless family/friends could offer a space for a few months. Thinking of you. Im younger than you but my DH is a big drinker and im in a similar position of splitting

@CannotDoThisAnymore I’m looking at the spare room website now, so many will not allow WFH. And they are so expensive, I’m in the south east and have to be near friends for me own sanity.

In an awful way you're pretty free as there is nothing left.

Have you checked what you need to contribute to national insurance to claim a pension when you are of retirement age? It sounds like you also have a little private pension.

As long as youre outside the initial fixed term tenancy either of you can serve notice to bring to bring it to an end.

There are quite a few single women who have to get lodgers in in this climate. They may be happy to find someone their age. You might then be able to save for something of your own on retirement like a park home or flat in an affordable area of the uk

Good luck!!