DH and I have been married a year, 2 children and we’re both 29.
I have tried to put aside my feelings for a long time, thought perhaps this is just how it is with young children, that maybe being with someone longer term isn’t that fun anymore or other excuses. I’ve started to think that maybe I’m wrong and that things don’t have to be miserable and that I’m wasting my ‘better’ years so to speak. We had talks previously where things were supposed to be different but unfortunately not.
There is no affection in our relationship. I’m not clingy or needy and need attention every second, but I do feed off affection - compliments, physical contact, having a few hours to ourselves without it being once in a blue moon. We will have a kiss once a day and it’s a quick goodnight one. We barely have sex and if it is, it’s very quick where he’ll barely touch me then straight to PIV which is also quickly over. If we’re out in public without the children, it’s just like being out with a friend.
DH just isn’t forthcoming and every time he does say or do something (after I mention it), it sounds forced and insincere and is never sustained. He also regularly tells me that it’s just who he is. We can’t have a nice night watching something together as not long into even one episode, he’s fallen asleep.
When we do go out, the default is usually just to drink. We have only stayed out once in 3 years. It’s either a quick meal if not drinking and then it just feels odd. I can’t describe it but there’s no free flowing conversation, it just feels awkward and stilted, not at all like in earlier years together.
There’s other things too like his obsession with football - I get it might be what he enjoys but to the extent I have to take our eldest away to play so it doesn’t disturb him and he wants the children’s bedtime routine etc scheduled around a match if there’s one at that time. Even tonight, he was talking to me, suddenly looked at his mate group chat, announced he’d missed a goal and ran off downstairs to watch it.
He leaves his clothes strewn around the place, expecting me to pick them up, including the floor. He’ll often have a pair of bottoms or a top out, then suddenly decides he’s wearing different ones, without putting the others in the washing basket, he just leaves them piling up on the banister.
He refuses to iron as he says he can’t do it so I’m always left to do the entire household’s ironing.
There’s no surprises or thoughtful gifts - one birthday he told me we didn’t have any money for him to get me anything, yet donated to a fundraiser for his friend instead. He always asks me what I want for a present as, after all our time together, he says he doesn’t know what I’d like and I need to tell him. I don’t expect lavish gifts constantly but it would be nice to have some surprises on special occasions.
He relies on his dad for everything, his dad even moved recently to be a couple of streets away from us. Everything is, ‘I’ll just ask my dad to help’. He gets his dad to cut our grass rather than him do it and when I was recovering from a health condition, he decided he couldn’t clean the house by himself, he had to ask his dad round to do it.
Only one of his friendship group has a child so the rest are very much still enjoying going out for drinks and planning alcohol holidays to places like Benidorm. He seems regretful that he can’t go out as much due to having children so he can’t go on a night out with them without getting disgustingly drunk which usually involves him being sick repeatedly that night or the next day. He got drunk in the house recently just because it was sunny, then broke a special engraved glass of mine that was a present.
I genuinely feel like I live with a friend or sometimes (!) an overgrown child. I sometimes wonder if I’m being too fussy or asking too much but it’s also eroding my self esteem and I feel unattractive and unwanted. I sometimes wonder if there’s a way to turn this around e.g. counselling or if it’s too far gone. However I wouldn’t even know where to start if we were to separate. Am I asking too much? Is it even worth trying?
Sorry - I just needed to rant. I’ve spent most of today by myself feeling miserable and empty.