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Original poster

Toxic relationship

19 replies

mylifeafter50 · 17/05/2023 19:20

This is on behalf of a sibling. S is in a toxic abusive relationship and has been for over 30 yrs. The guy’s a narcissist and control freak and S had a total breakdown few months ago almost taking her own life. S filed for divorce but he refused and doesn’t want to move out or sell the house. There are kids involved but they are all over 20 and only two living in the house with them. He refuses to share any finance details with S and has said he will never sell the house or move out and continues to occasionally mentally abuse her and now gotten to the point she has accepted that it’s just her fate. Need to get out before it’s too late, what options would she have ?

OP posts:
Original poster
mylifeafter50 · 18/05/2023 09:50

Watchkeys · 17/05/2023 19:43

She has tried but he refuses to move out, ideally she’d like to stay where she is it’s her home and she’s looked after it and he’s always been the burden. Is there a way to force him out legally?

OP posts:
polkadotdalmation · 18/05/2023 09:59

She needs to start divorce proceedings. Hopefully she has a job to finance this. She's entitled to 50% of the equity in the house, so it gets sold and they go they're separate ways.

Original poster
mylifeafter50 · 18/05/2023 10:03

What if he refuses to sell which he is currently threatening her with ?

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 18/05/2023 10:04

The house keeps her stuck. A court wouldn’t force him to leave but would force a sale.

No house is worth being miserable.

Original poster
mylifeafter50 · 18/05/2023 10:18

AgentJohnson · 18/05/2023 10:04

The house keeps her stuck. A court wouldn’t force him to leave but would force a sale.

No house is worth being miserable.

Thanks, yes I think that's the main issue. Forcing him out will be a struggle. She's working part-time so affordability of another place will be quite a challenge especially with the current challenges in the housing market and cost of properties

OP posts:
baileys6904 · 18/05/2023 10:55

Sorry but mental health is invaluable. The court is on her side and though it may take some time, the house will be sold or she will be paid out for her share at some point. Has she got somewhere she could live or could she speak to women's aid?

Original poster
mylifeafter50 · 18/05/2023 11:17

baileys6904 · 18/05/2023 10:55

Sorry but mental health is invaluable. The court is on her side and though it may take some time, the house will be sold or she will be paid out for her share at some point. Has she got somewhere she could live or could she speak to women's aid?

She doesn't have anywhere else to live although having said that, they do have a second 2 bed property they rent out, however he refuses to move there or let her move there as that would mean no rental income. Even if she forcefully moved, it's too small for her and the kids as she doesn't want to be away from the kids.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 18/05/2023 11:23

Didn't you say the kids were adults? If so then why can't she and the kids all move out together? They can get jobs and pay towards the rent.

I mean she's being ridiculous really using the kids as a reason to stay as they're bloodly grown ups! Surely they want to leave too if their dad is toxic? And protect their mum. Unless they're just as shit to her as he is.

Whatthejeffisgoingon · 18/05/2023 11:23

If the kids are in their 20’s and not at uni they could contribute to rent? She can then move out with them, and get the divorce ball rolling. It CAN take years, though he cant actually STOP her divorcing him. Its expensive, mine cost about the same as I walked away with, but it was worth it to be free of him, esp as he turned into a complete ass once proceedings started and he got a new gf.
but I have to say that nothing beats being free of an unhappy marriage. I wouldnt go back to mine for any money!!

Original poster
mylifeafter50 · 18/05/2023 11:27

Pinkbonbon · 18/05/2023 11:23

Didn't you say the kids were adults? If so then why can't she and the kids all move out together? They can get jobs and pay towards the rent.

I mean she's being ridiculous really using the kids as a reason to stay as they're bloodly grown ups! Surely they want to leave too if their dad is toxic? And protect their mum. Unless they're just as shit to her as he is.

Yes kids are adults and one of the is working whilst the other is still looking (has ADHD so struggling). So yes they could contribut towards rent but I think they don't want to move out either as they would prefer they remain as family which I know is ridiculous and have stated this to her.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 18/05/2023 11:28

And if they don't want to move then she needs to go herself. She could rent a room via sites like spareroom.com. Far cheaper than renting a whole flat and she might make some new, supportive friends too. Just make sure she reads with women. Not safe to rent with guys after just leaving an abusive relationship. Too risky.

Original poster
mylifeafter50 · 18/05/2023 11:31

Whatthejeffisgoingon · 18/05/2023 11:23

If the kids are in their 20’s and not at uni they could contribute to rent? She can then move out with them, and get the divorce ball rolling. It CAN take years, though he cant actually STOP her divorcing him. Its expensive, mine cost about the same as I walked away with, but it was worth it to be free of him, esp as he turned into a complete ass once proceedings started and he got a new gf.
but I have to say that nothing beats being free of an unhappy marriage. I wouldnt go back to mine for any money!!

I have tried this argument with her, but she is suffering from mental health issues (as a result of the toxicity) and on medication so any thought of a huge change in her circumstances is making her very depressed which is why she'd prefer if he just walked out of the door.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 18/05/2023 11:33

'Im leaving your dad. He's abusive to me and I should have left years ago. I'm sorry I stayed teaching you it was an OK thing to do. We should always leave people who treat us badly. So, I'm moving out. I'd love for you two to come with me and we'll get a flat together. But if not I'll just rent a room sonewhere'.

She has to tell them straight that she was wrong to stay. That she deserves better and so do they from future partners.

Only when they recognise that abuse is never OK and that she is not just 'mum' but a human who deserves a good life, will they stop idealising keeping this 'family' together.

Pinkbonbon · 18/05/2023 11:35

Infact, you're their aunt. You could speak to them. Suggest they look to rent somewhere together and get their mum out of there.

Original poster
mylifeafter50 · 18/05/2023 11:40

Pinkbonbon · 18/05/2023 11:35

Infact, you're their aunt. You could speak to them. Suggest they look to rent somewhere together and get their mum out of there.

I have spoken to them numerous times, they're afraid of the dad which is another issue, but you're right, she does need to just walk away and start the proceedings otherwise she'll be stuck forever.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 18/05/2023 11:59

I'd take them both out for lunch and chat with them about how once they are out they will be free of him and never have to see him again if they don't want. Tell them you'll help them with flat hunting if they want. That they can take their mum if they want too. Or just have extra space there for her so she could stay a while. But that their mum realy needs their help to get out. That none of them should be under the same roof as an abuser.

Like actually take them out and talk about making a plan with them to get out. Make it very clear, if their mother stay there much longer, they're going to lose her. Because they will. Whether it be to suicide or murder or even 'just' madness or breakdown. Or perhaps she just fades away and dies because her body can't take the stress and suffering anymore. That's how this ends for women who stay with abusers.

I suppose their worry might be that she will change her mind and go back to him and they'll be stuck with a flat they can't pay for? And have to go back to him.

In which case, the best thing she could do is start divorce proceedings. That shows commitment to end things. She needs to get the ball rolling from her end. If they see she is brave enough to tell him it's over, it might inspire them to l be the same.

Original poster
mylifeafter50 · 18/05/2023 12:12

Pinkbonbon · 18/05/2023 11:59

I'd take them both out for lunch and chat with them about how once they are out they will be free of him and never have to see him again if they don't want. Tell them you'll help them with flat hunting if they want. That they can take their mum if they want too. Or just have extra space there for her so she could stay a while. But that their mum realy needs their help to get out. That none of them should be under the same roof as an abuser.

Like actually take them out and talk about making a plan with them to get out. Make it very clear, if their mother stay there much longer, they're going to lose her. Because they will. Whether it be to suicide or murder or even 'just' madness or breakdown. Or perhaps she just fades away and dies because her body can't take the stress and suffering anymore. That's how this ends for women who stay with abusers.

I suppose their worry might be that she will change her mind and go back to him and they'll be stuck with a flat they can't pay for? And have to go back to him.

In which case, the best thing she could do is start divorce proceedings. That shows commitment to end things. She needs to get the ball rolling from her end. If they see she is brave enough to tell him it's over, it might inspire them to l be the same.

Thank you. This really helps.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 19/05/2023 05:37

In an ideal world he would just disappear in a puff of smoke but the world is far from ideal. She doesn’t want to be proactive and be the change, which is her call but it does mean more of the same.

You can’t help her if she doesn’t want to help herself and currently, she doesn’t want to help herself.

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