Hey All! I've posted this on other forums, but just trying to cast as wide of a net as I can on gathering opinions as to how best to deal with a situation. Trying to gauge if I'm overreacting or if there's a legit need for concern/boundaries.
My wife (35F) and I (43M) have been together for 12 years, married for 7 of them. For the most part, we've had a loving and supportive relationship, although that went through a very trying period when a lot of major life events seemed to occur in a very short succession. Nothing horrible, but things like buying a house, having our kid, job changes, the pandemic, etc. that I feel took away from us making our marriage a priority and I feel we may have drifted apart somewhat.
So, cut to a few months ago. My wife has a guy friend she's known for quite sometime (since around the time we started dating) that she's worked with on various theatrical endeavors and I really thought nothing of him through all of it. He's married with kids and we hadn't really been in touch with him much, so I never considered him an issue or even at all. Anyway, this guy friend and his wife are having a dinner party and he invites my wife (and me) to come along. While we're there, I notice what I feel are some overly familiar interactions between he and my wife. Nothing blatant, but seeming to use any excuse to touch each other, a certain lingering look he had while talking to her, using excuses to be close to one another, even some hand holding. Again, nothing concrete or overt - his wife was right there- but just some things that made me feel uncomfortable.
I don't mention anything when we get home that night because she's a bit drunk and I don't want to seem insecure, but I barely sleep that night thinking about it. That morning, I can't help myself and mention that I thought it looked as though they were flirting a bit. She assures me that that's simply how they've always interacted in what she refers to as an almost 'sibling like' relationship where they can joke around and verbally spar, but she doesn't think of him in any romantic sense. I chalk things up to me misreading the situation and after a few days, forget about it. But just as I'm getting in to bed one night, she tells me that he's reached out to her about collaborating on a theatrical piece together. It wouldn't go up until nearly a year and a half from now, but she says he wants the two of them to start meeting together, one on one, to begin the process. She tells me it's nothing to worry about and that she isn't even sure she'll do it, but says she may want to work with him in the future. This proceeds to send me into a rough tailspin of anxiety (I didn't sleep for almost 2 nights) as I'm worried that there's ill intentions on his end, but I'm afraid bringing up these concerns will make me appear insecure.
I work with my therapist a bit and finally address these concerns with my wife, who tells me she's not likely doing the show with him, although mainly because she doesn't want to spend time away from our kid and that, again, she doesn't think of him romantically or is attracted to him. I try not to let it bother me, but I overhear her talking to a friend (I truly wasn't snooping - I honestly happened to be passing the room when I heard the conversation) that while she did, in fact, find her friend attractive, she would never cheat on me or do anything to ruin our marriage.
Then, about a month ago, she mentions he's invited her to an ongoing game night where they would meet once a week or so with some other folks.
I'm open with her about my concerns that he might be utilizing these as an opportunity to be romantically closer to her and that, while I trust her, I don't 100% trust that this friend's intentions are purely based on building a friendship. I request that we set up some boundaries, at least temporarily, on hanging out with this friend while we work through some of these concerns (amongst other things) with a couple's therapist. She agrees to this, but I can sense her disappointment with the situation.
Here's the thing. All of this has gone a long way to help me realize I was neglecting her and our marriage in a very big way. I've since doubled my efforts to be a better partner and listener and she's remarked that she can see the difference. I've never worried about infidelity with her and still don't, for the most part. And I would never want my anxieties or concerns to keep her from doing something or enjoying herself.
I absolutely understand her disappointment in my requests for some boundaries and I feel no small sense of disgust with myself at the fact that I'm displaying some ugly and unattractive qualities of insecurity and jealousy.
But I can't help but feel like a lot of what the guy friend is doing is intrusive. While everything he's proposing is relatively innocuous on the surface, I simply don't trust that this isn't an opportunity to flirt with her or indulge a romantic desire for her. I don't necessarily think any of this would culminate in an actual affair, but it bothers me to no end that I'm observing what I think is an obvious mutual attraction between them and that he would attempt to indulge in that with her privately by instilling himself as a continuous presence, especially in lieu of the fact that I feel as though the romantic aspect of our relationship needs some attention.
I know attractions happen and that we can't help it when they do. I'm not upset at either of them if that's the case, nor would I expect her to tell me she's into him when I'm obviously in a tender and venerable state. I guess what I'm trying to gauge is what's really in my control here and what appropriate boundaries I could bring up that might help ease some of these concerns. I'm trying not to play into the role of 'jealous, insecure husband' and I know some of these requests will likely be viewed as overly controlling. But I'm also not prepared to gaslight a gut feeling that something feels off about all of this and, as this has literally never been an issue in our 12 years together, I'm inclined to believe that there's something more here than just my insecurities getting the better of me.
Really appreciate any and all perspectives and thank you for taking the time to read all of this!