Relationship Confusion

[Vividspectres45]

I've been seeing this guy for a month now and he's amazing, he dropped the L word and keeps remarking that I have done something to him because he's never felt like this with anyone, I am more reserved normally but I am so at ease with him and have made the first mood in many things, Kiss, holding hands ...I have been so opened with him and have let my feelings control what I do, I am normally a colder person but I am authentically more warm and open with him. Last night I said that I wanted to make it official and for him to be my boyfriend, I did it in text and I believed it shouldn't be that way, I should have waited but I have already done it, He replied 6 hours later with a simple good night text, he was a work, but this was maybe the second time he did not call me or text me during his shift. So now I am feeling like my old self and I am feeling like a Ice Queen that I sometimes being called. I'm not sure if it's my ego or feeling stupid that maybe I read everything wrong , I don't know if I should act like I never sent it, or try to talk about it... I'm not sure how to handle this

Sounds like love bombing to me

How old are you op? This all sounds very year 10

He's love bombing you!!!!!!!

Alert ⚠️ fucking major Alert.

I get it, you asked him hout and he hasn't replied and you're thinking that's really cold of him but he's not normally like that so you're worried maybe he thinks you were 'cold' to ask him via text instead of in person.

Have I got that right?

Because he couldn't possibly be a headfucking jerk who would act crazy into you and then blow cold when you ask him out....

Even though he's clearly nuts xD

Anyone who says 'you're not like other girls' or 'you're the only one who understands me' or 'I've never felt like this before' is a con artist. Especially one month in. Same for using the L word. Unless you're both very young.

He's likeky love bombing you.
They act too full on too fast to rush you into deeper feelings. This is often followed up by them going cold on you. Making you worry you've done something wrong. Or telling you YOU are clingy. It's a headlock game and people who do that shit are not normal. They don't love you.

You can't love anyone a month in because you don't even know them a month in.

I have thought about that, and I'm not pushing it aside , but he's so understanding and he's never angry or anything about my boundaries, but maybe it's still in the Honeymoon stage , but we did have things we didn't agree on and had a mature conversation and I feel that he's the first mature person I've been with he's 37 I'm older at 45.

But, if we assume you guys are just young, it might just be naivety not a deliberate love bomb.

Maybe he just wants to discuss things in person.

It worries me that u seem to jump to 'there is something wrong with me' though. Never good to date when you have low self esteem.
Makes it easy for bad men to control you.

Read up on red flags of abuse. Throughout your life. Always be on your guard. And when someone acts in a cold/dickish way, don't look to yourself and be like 'I must have done something wrong'. Consider the fact that that THEY might just be a cold dickhead.

Ah no...at 45 he is giving you bs.
He said the exact same things to every other woman before you. Don't be fooled.

I'm 45 he's 37 , he's the first mature person I've dated and I haven't dated a lot, I do think I am the problem, Your message resonates with me

but he's so understanding and he's never angry or anything about my boundaries

Of course he wouldn't let the mask slip only a month in. But I'm sorry to say he's definitely love bombing you. It's not healthy for things to feel so intense after only a month.

I know it's hard to walk away when the connection feels so strong and so genuine, but it's clear he's playing games.

If you feel yourself to be a 'problem' in a relationship a month old, leave. Problem solved. Then, if you want a relationship in the future, find someone who isn't a problem to you, and who you don't feel yourself to be a problem with.

Voila. Healthy boundaries.

The thing with boundaries is, there's personal boundaries and then there's also socially acceptable societal boundaries.

And he's breaking the later.

What I mean is, say you make a new friend and you two go for a coffee and have a great time. Now, would it be acceptable for that friend to show up on your doorstep the next day and ask to move into your house? Of course not!

You barely know this guy and he is using the L word. Even IF he did feel that way it is pushing boundaries to say it. It also makes you feel uncomfortable surely? Like there's an expectation for you to say it back.

So he actually doesn't respect boundaries at all.
But because you fancy him and because it seens like these things a compliments...you excuse them.

And you shouldn't. Because they're not normal and they're very disrespectful.

If you do contine this thing: do not get pregnant, do not marry or move in with him and generally be very careful.

I wonder if he needs a place to stay infact, hense the love bombing. Though he might just be your standard abuser doing it to trap you. Who knows, either way he's a bad egg it seems.

@Pinkbonbon

The personal ones will include the societal ones, generally. That's how the societal ones became societal: they are a standard for most individuals.

Also, the societal ones don't matter, as long as you don't break anybody's personal ones. Laws matter. Cultural assumptions of where we each have our boundaries don't. If your new friend asks to move in after you meet them once, and you're fine with it, than that's fine, because we are each responsible for ourselves.

I definately think there's overlap between personal and sociatal boundaries. Ofyen they influence one another yes. But imo sociatal boundaries are largely cultural and also determined by the time period.

Plenty of people may have personal boundaries that are different to those of the society they are in. But considering this guy has known op all if 5 minutes, the correct thing to do would be to observe acceptable social norms as a whole. Not presume its OK to tell someone he's just met that he loves her even if he thinks she would be OK with that.

Ps: if you don't think sociatal boundaries are important, try skipping a question in London.

Lol

• a que

Sorry @Pinkbonbon I should have been clearer. I just meant within relationships. I wouldn't try to skip a queue in London. I value my life

You're a month in. Ive got cheese in my fridge thats older. You dont know anything about him after such a short time. It takes years to really know someone, years and crap times and life challenges and arguments.

The ‘L word’ after a month. A MONTH???!?
Run for the hills. You don’t know each other at all.
He’s playing games, lovebombing, blowing hot and cold. It’s not going to get any better.

You will receive excellent advice from @Watchkeys and @Pinkbonbon, please listen to it.

Saying he loves you after a month 🚩
Saying he’s never felt like this before, or you’ve done something to him 🚩
Pulling back when you opened up and asked to be exclusive 🚩

Lovebombing, hot and cold behaviour, making you question yourself are not signs of a healthy relationship. Take a step back, see it for what it is and throw this one back.