Can this be fixed?

[isitevenworthit]

DH and I are going through a particularly rough patch. This has stemmed from him saying some pretty disrespectful things (shouting at me to 'go away', implying I'm lazy, calling our son an idiot for accidentally breaking a toy) and me being disinterested in him. We haven't had sex for about 3 months.

He has always earned a significant amount more than me, around 4 or 5 times more. I don't and never have had access to our finances. I have no knowledge of how much money 'we' have or where it is. He doesn't seem to think this is unusual for couples. I know it is unusual for one person in a relationship to have access to so much money whereas the other has access to none. We have a shared account and used to transfer percentages of our salaries into this to pay the mortgage and bills. Since having children I didn't work for a couple of years and so this stopped. He started transferring money to my account. This stopped when I started working again. He pays all bills except childcare. At the moment while I'm not working he tends to pay for the big shop and I'll do smaller shops to top up in the week.

I stopped working a few months ago, which was at his suggestion due to the impact it was having on my mental health, saying 'we can afford for you not to work for a while'. In the time I have not been working we all had Covid and subsequently suffered prolonged infections/illnesses for a couple of months. Since then, I have been successful in several gruelling interview processes and start a new job soon. I am looking forward to having some independence again.

I have stated I am not comfortable or happy with the way our finances are organised. I feel they should be shared. I do not appreciate having to ask him for money to buy the kids some shoes or even to pop to the supermarket to pick up some bread. He agreed a few weeks ago that we would 'sort it out'. Nothing has happened and I am currently in my overdraft. I think this is the main source of my grievance but it feeds into how I feel disrespected generally.

He does nothing in terms of cooking (maybe once a year and then I have to ask/instruct...), cleaning, laundry etc. I do all of this. I am happy to do so whilst not working but it has always been this way and I am not prepared to let it continue when I start work.

Last night he brought up a conversation with someone and I picked up on the fact he does significantly less in terms of childcare at the weekends. He launched into a rant about how he feels like an inconvenience and I have no respect for him and don't support him. I regret the way I brought this up but ultimately, I do have an issue with him doing less.

He says I seem to demand things from him, I want him to change, I want his money and I want him to support me but I never ask what I can do to support him (this is partly true - although I made suggestions based on what he has raised as issues e.g. he complains he never has time to himself so I am often actively encouraging him to go out and offer to look after the kids while he does).

He says he feels lonely, which I get, as I have no desire to be affectionate to him currently. His parents are pretty useless and he doesn't have any friends nearby. I am always encouraging him to see people/make new friends but he rarely initiates social contact. I often have to facilitate.

He wants more intimacy and ultimately, so do I, but I feel no desire while we are the way we are. I know I need to get better at communicating - I tend to shut down to avoid getting emotional or into a fight as I find it so hard to use the right words when emotionally charged. We do talk but I feel like we go round in circles after these chats and I end up apologising. Whilst I understand he absolutely has a right to feel lonely and unsupported, because I know I have withdrawn recently, I can't help but feel I haven't stood up for myself or explained myself properly and I've been gaslighted.

I would really like to build on our communication, first of all, and make it clear who should have what responsibilities in the household. I also want to make sure we have time scheduled for ourselves to avoid the relentless drudgery of work/childcare. I need the finances to be shared and for us to work better together to feel like a team.

Other than that, I don't know what else we can do or if it's even worth carrying on. Do we just resign ourselves to the fact we need to separate? If couples counselling work it or a waste of time in this situation?

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of; its about power and control. He holds the vast amount of power and control in this relationship and enjoys this at your emotional and financial expense. You are not a team because he does not want to be a team or a team player. All this man cares about is his own self and getting his own needs met. To such men, its always everyone else's fault too other than their own. Look at his mum and dad OP, one of them likely acts the same as your H does towards you.

You (and in turn your kids) are also being financially abused by this man and he is also not above projecting his own self onto you either. HE is the one who has no respect for you and does not support you.

Joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. I would start to carefully plan your exit from this marriage seeking legal advice and further assistance from Womens Aid. This is no relationship model for your kids to be potentially emulating as adults either.

If you ask your spouse for full information about your joint finances, and they don't give it to you, you are being financially abused.

If your spouse is calling you names or inferring negative things about you with the things they say, you are being verbally abused.

If your spouse is systematically dismissing your feelings, you are being emotionally abused.

If your spouse is pressuring you for sex when you don't want it, and you end up feeling bad for not giving it, you are being sexually coerced.

I can't help but feel I haven't stood up for myself or explained myself properly and I've been gaslighted

And if this is the case, what do you think you should do?

His parents' marriage is a shambles. His dad is incredibly controlling although his mum is responsible for the finances.

I started taking notes a few weeks ago when his behaviour really ramped up to prepare myself to leave. I have resigned myself to the fact we will likely end up splitting, definitely so if finances are not shared as agreed. We will need to have another conversation re. finances in the next few days anyway so that will be the crunch point.

Can you tell him that you need them by a certain date, so that he can't claim to be caught off guard? All you need are the usernames and passwords for each account. It's not like you're asking for full accounts to be put together - you just need access to look for yourself, right?

Has your dc got a bank account op? Set up a dd to have some available to clothe /shoe them incase you split and have to fight for every penny... Being in your overdraft while he has a healthy account is disgusting..

Like father, like son. Your now husband learnt how to be controlling from his own controlling (aka abusive) father.

Re your comment:
We will need to have another conversation re. finances in the next few days anyway so that will be the crunch point.

That conversation will not go at all well for you. He's not at all interested in sharing finances; he regards his money as his and his alone. I would instead expend your energies on seeking legal advice re divorce and further planning your exit.