Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

How Do You Know It’s Meaningful? Long Term Living Apart Relationships

6 replies

Wellhowdeedoo · 17/05/2023 10:55

Need some help to clarify how I’m feeling about my relationship.

Been with BF coming up four years and while for the most part, things are great - I can’t shake the feeling that we’re just coasting. No future plans, nothing tangible that we share.

Anyone in a long term, living apart relationship that can relate, or who can explain how they make sure their relationship continues feeling serious / proper / worthwhile?

OP posts:

UneasyMe · 17/05/2023 10:58

There was a brilliant thread along these lines recently: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4622650-post-divorce-relationships-how-have-your-partners-shown-long-term-commitment?page=1

Post-divorce relationships: How have your partners shown long-term commitment? | Mumsnet

I’m 3.5 years into a relationship with a great guy, both post-divorce, both 50/50 residency with similarly school-aged kids, living apart together. Sa...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4622650-post-divorce-relationships-how-have-your-partners-shown-long-term-commitment?page=1

supercali77 · 17/05/2023 12:32

Aye that was a really good thread. I think many of us, initially think, this is great! My own space, how I like to parent my kids, don't have to deal with domestic differences. It seems like the perfect scenario. Later it does seem that for, myself and women on that thread plus another I cant remeber the title of...can find it a bit, empty? Me and dp have long term plans to move in, we did try but with the kids ages and stages it just was all wrong so we ditched it...looking at 8-10 years before it would be feasible again really. We're 40 mins drive apart.

As to what we do, we started a small business together, just side money at this point but it's nice to have a joint endeavour. Go away together, just cheap weekends camping are enough. Fairly involved in one another's lives vis a vis kids. We did consider buying or building a small holiday type place, that was ours to visit on weekends, but realistically we just can't afford it right now. It can be really difficult to not feel as though you live 2 completely different lives. The support you can offer one another is often over text or phone. Sometimes feels like a disconnect in your own life.

Do you 2 have plans in future?

CatsLikeBoxes · 17/05/2023 12:43

I spend a lot of time having an internal debate about this! I've been with my bf a similar length of time, and while I enjoy the tike we spend together, I just feel like our lives are utterly separate. I have children, he doesn't. He's much better off than I am. So he's off travelling, spending money on an expensive hobby, working on his own business on top of his job. I'm busy with my own life, teenagers, about to change careers... I feel he sees me as utterly separate from him. If I have any problems or worries, they're mine alone.

I just feel like a nice addition to his life. He's happy if I'm available to do things with him, but seems equally content if I'm not. I don't get any sense of a shared goal / future.

Original poster

Wellhowdeedoo · 17/05/2023 14:50

@UneasyMe thanks so much for sharing that thread - so much good advice there.

@supercali77 sounds like your relationship is developing some real roots and substance, which is what mine lacks, I think.

@CatsLikeBoxes your situation sounds very much like mine. BF and I have a decent relationship - the best I’ve had - so I’m reluctant to end things, but it does feel aimless and I often find myself doubting his commitment longer term.

OP posts:

ChristmasKnackered · 23/06/2023 23:08

travelingtortoise · 24/06/2023 08:22

Wowee. This is like reading the inside of my own head - thanks, OP, for putting it so clearly.

I don't doubt my DP's commitment – I know he's committed to me and loves me deeply – but it seems he's quite happy to just bumble along indefinitely while I'm hungry for some adventure and growth together as a couple.

The 'venn diagram' of our lives overlaps very, very little, and I want to be an a relationship where it's greater than the sum of its parts.

What's complicating things for me right now is that recently, an ex-partner (arguably the love of my life) got back in touch after sorting out the issues that had us break up (addiction-related) and has made it very clear he's ready for real commitment, whether that's with me or with someone else.

It's thrown up very starkly the issues I have with my current DP, and I'm feeling a total wreck.

So it's kind of serendipitously lovely that this thread has popped up.

@Wellhowdeedoo do you have long-term future plans for yourself, or are you, on some level, waiting for him to be 'ready' before you make any without him?

Flip