My Dad

[Starvinmarving]

I have never been close to my Dad. He was a selfish, ragey alcoholic growing up and I left home too young to get away from him.

This led to crappy boyfriends, a baby before I was ready and now living life, years later as a single mum of two. I have done ok for myself- I have a mortgage and a good job, although it's still difficult financially on my own at times. I also have no help from either of my parents.

I do in part blame him for having to grow up so fast and for the lack of stability in my late teens/ early twenties. My mum left him around 5 years after I'd moved out but I was already living with my then boyfriend and our new baby by then. She eventually moved away for a new start. Dad still lives in the old family home a few miles away.

My Dad seems to want to make up for things with regular visits to me and the children, although he's of no help whatsoever to me. His visits are intense and highly stressful for me so on the one hand, I don't want him to visit me, on the other, I feel guilty for saying no because he's trying.

He literally comes, gives the children 5 minutes of attention where he asks them strings of questions about school and then proceeds to talk at me about all his problems. He then ignores the children, will persistently say things like "sssshhh" and "calm down" "be careful" to them when they are just trying to play with him or climb on him. And then ignores them and pushes them off him.

Last time he visited he created a very awkward situation whereby he told my children that he was going to take them to visit my sibling soon, who I am NC with due to him saying cruel things about myself and my children!! I then had to tell my kids they were not going to visit without explaining why and they were upset with me.It was really all I needed, particularly as I'm currently navigating all of the divorce issues with their father and finding that stressful enough! My Dad is of no support to me at all, he just adds to my stress. Now and then I can have a supportive phone conversation with him where he'll give me advice on my divorce but then I feel obliged to allow these visits as a result.

I've tried meeting him in neutral locations but it's still the same- stressful. More stressful because I have to keep an eye on the children more and have him talking on at me all at once. I've suggested he comes to watch the children at their swimming competitions, or horse riding, but he always declines and pushes to see us at home. If I say we're busy all the time, he gets upset and says "I am just wanting to see my grandchildren, you can't be too busy for that." We don't visit him at his house because he smokes in it and the walls are covered in nicotine. He wouldn't allow us to visit him through embarrassment either.

He's very lonely and I don't want going NC with him on my consience but I am getting absolutely nothing from this relationship, only stress.

What do I do?

Boundaries - tell him the things you've said here. He's an adult and should be able to handle criticism, you don't need to coddle him. Tell him that visiting you and your kids is no good if he just tells them to be quiet and ignores them, and that he has absolutely no right to promise things like visits at relatives without asking you first

Well just go low contact. My dad is just like yours and it destroyed my siblings self esteem and they both made bad partner choices.

they’re all still scared of him

I don’t bother with him and it’s immensely liberating.

I’ve never forgiven him for how he treated my mum especially and I make zero effort to see him, luckily he’s at the other end of the country so this is easy.

you’re the adult now and you don’t need to tolerate his nonsense. I e told mine off for speaking to my children harshly and he absolutely backed off when I was expecting a huge row.

These old bastards never change.

Sounds like he’s run out of friends to vent to and you are his next target. I grew up with that rage and the self-obsession. I think you need to spell it out to him that all relationships go two ways and he needs to pay attention to the effect his behaviour is having on you and your kids. He may be lonely, but you are not his counsellor and your kids are not props to make his life look fuller than it is. He needs to become involved in your life by asking questions, getting to know you as a person and not wiping the kids off when they are trying to get his attention. Also the brother thing is an issue for me in particular. He doesn’t get to make pronouncements about things he will do with the kids without running it by you first. That was incredibly manipulative at best. That or limit or stop contact if you really can’t cope.

Brilliant! Your advice is just brilliant! It's just enough to put her in her place without being mean! I desperately need lessons in etiquette from you!

Reduce contact and set firm boundaries. Tell him what help you need from him when he comes by way of help. If he can’t provide it, tell him why you need to reduce contact. He’s an adult, he shouldn’t be adding to your burden.

Sorry just realised this is a ZOMBIE thread. Don’t know why previous poster revived it. 😒