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Original poster

Is it possible to be friends with an ex?

29 replies

Flutterbye22 · 17/05/2023 06:01

Keen to know your opinions.

I personally find it incredibly hard.

OP posts:
Jellycatbat20 · 17/05/2023 06:03

Yes but it takes time, as in years, not months, and you will never quite trust them again, depending on the reason for the breakup.

C1N1C · 17/05/2023 06:06

It depends on the ex... but for me it is easy if enough time has passed.

I'm friends with several of mine, but it's probably been a good 15 years since our relationships. In all honesty, my partner doesn't know they're exes, but if it's just the odd WhatsApp message, we're all settled with kids etc and we both know the relationship ran it's course, I can't see the issues.

Nintendogal · 17/05/2023 06:07

It's possible but I do think it's quite rare.

I only know one person who is genuine friends with an ex as in, still has a proper friendship with him where they are in contact and visit each other etc. even though they are both in other committed stable relationships (both know/ friends with one another's partner as well). It's really heartening to see it can happen.

I think it depends a lot on the reason for the break up and the personalities of the two people involved.

Breezycheesetrees · 17/05/2023 06:10

Yes, I'm good friends with a couple of exes. One is from a brief relationship 25 years ago, we were always friends after that although he lives in another country so it's just sporadic messages these days. The other was a more serious relationship, and it was a few years before we were able to be friends, but we're quite close now and he knows my husband. DH also has a couple of friends who are exes, who I get on well with.

silverfullmoon · 17/05/2023 06:11

I guess its "possible" but personally, I dont get it. I have lots of friends. I dont need to be friends with people I have previously dated (unless you have kids together and then I think its very important to be "friendly").

I think it could also cause issues when both of you get new partners. I wouldnt be thrilled if my partner was regularly meeting up with their ex for chats and coffee etc.

Anaemiafog · 17/05/2023 06:33

I've been married almost thirty years and met DH at 23 so there wasn't lots of long term partners before him. I have no crazy exes who I share children with so i think it's probably different for me. I don't think there's anyone I've ever dated that I'm on bad terms with.
I'm very close with one particular ex. We were together for six months then went off to work in different countriesain Europe.
We visit regularly each other fairly regularly and he socialises with DH without me when he's here. DH has no problem with us going out alone either. He attends all my major life events, most people would have no idea we were ever a couple.
He's an amazing man as a friend but he isn't and wasn't ever what I'd look for in a partner. I last spoke to him yesterday.

PaintedEgg · 17/05/2023 07:21

sure, but if you find it hard - what for? friendships generally happen when they dont need to be forced

silverfullmoon · 17/05/2023 07:27

PaintedEgg · 17/05/2023 07:21

sure, but if you find it hard - what for? friendships generally happen when they dont need to be forced

I agree. Friendships shouldn’t be hard and you shouldn’t have to battle with yourself to get them. The world is full of potential friends. Why force yourself to be friends with exes if you find it hard?

gannett · 17/05/2023 07:31

silverfullmoon · 17/05/2023 06:11

I guess its "possible" but personally, I dont get it. I have lots of friends. I dont need to be friends with people I have previously dated (unless you have kids together and then I think its very important to be "friendly").

I think it could also cause issues when both of you get new partners. I wouldnt be thrilled if my partner was regularly meeting up with their ex for chats and coffee etc.

No one "needs" to be friends with an ex (unless there's a coparenting situation) but often they want to stay friends with someone they like as a person, but with whom they were incompatible romantically.

Almost everyone I know is friendly with at least one ex. Most relationships, especially starter ones in your 20s, fizzle out because people grow apart or realise they're incompatible - not because of actual hostility.

If neither party was an arsehole to the other, and if neither party is heartbroken over the split, there's no reason not to stay friends.

Of course if there was arsehole behaviour or lingering feelings then staying in contact is probably a bad idea (except if you have to coparent). So it depends on how and why the relationship ended.

EBearhug · 17/05/2023 07:32

Depends on the ex, why you broke up and how much time has passed. But you definitely can be.

Spookysnake · 17/05/2023 07:34

My ex-husband is one of my best friends, but only because I'm not married to him any more! And it took a few years to reach this stage. Another more recent ex just segued into a friend effortlessly.

GreyCarpet · 17/05/2023 07:39

Flutterbye22 · 17/05/2023 06:01

Keen to know your opinions.

I personally find it incredibly hard.

It's not compulsory. If you find it hard, then don't.

I've never seen the point tbh. I've remained friendly with a couple.if there have been mutual friends but I've never understood the need for it. If it happens, fair enough, but I've known people 'work through their feelings' to try and become friends with someone who treated them badly. I've just never seen the point.

silverfullmoon · 17/05/2023 07:39

gannett · 17/05/2023 07:31

No one "needs" to be friends with an ex (unless there's a coparenting situation) but often they want to stay friends with someone they like as a person, but with whom they were incompatible romantically.

Almost everyone I know is friendly with at least one ex. Most relationships, especially starter ones in your 20s, fizzle out because people grow apart or realise they're incompatible - not because of actual hostility.

If neither party was an arsehole to the other, and if neither party is heartbroken over the split, there's no reason not to stay friends.

Of course if there was arsehole behaviour or lingering feelings then staying in contact is probably a bad idea (except if you have to coparent). So it depends on how and why the relationship ended.

Show quote history

Oh for sure. Not disagreeing with that. But the OP said she found it hard and many people do. I have no exes that I wish to keep in my life. There are some I despise and some I am very neutral about but I’m saying it’s also not “unusual” to not want to be friends with exes either. I don’t know anyone who is friends with their ex, apart from those who have kids together and are trying to remain on good terms. Obv much depends on how it ended etc.

SpringCherryPie · 17/05/2023 07:40

Yes it is possible to be friends.

But it’s at the cost of at least one side harbouring lingering feelings, whether these are attraction or resentment. It’s also threatening to a new relationship because it’s a way of keeping Plan B alive, so you have to have pretty good boundaries to be able to do this well.

caringcarer · 17/05/2023 07:43

I've been divorced for 18 years but my ex still irritates me. I don't see him but just the odd thing one of our kids says. I'll never forgive him for cheating on me and emptying our joint account.

SpringCherryPie · 17/05/2023 07:43

@gannett there’s possible trouble in both scenarios though isn’t there. If you keep up with an Ex that you were angry with, it’s hard to resolve that anger. If you keep up with an Ex that you were never cross with, then there is often ‘What If… ‘ in the back of someone’s mind (often the men I find!) that bubbles up. Which is lovely and flattering if single, but a pain in the arse to a new relationship.

GreyCarpet · 17/05/2023 07:52

It's the trying to be friends when there's lingering feelings or harboured resentment that I don't understand tbh.

I just don't get why anyone would bother trying in those circumstances.

Thighlengthboots · 17/05/2023 08:02

In my experience of myself and everyone I know, it’s extremely rare for both parties to realise at the exact same time point that they both want out of the relationship. I’m sure it does happen but it’s far more common for one person to want out and the other person to want them to stay. Or, there has been some kind of deception/cheating/ poor behaviour involved.

Therefore it’s often hard to remain friends as if you have been dumped it’s painful to then meet up with them and see them with someone else. Or, if you have dumped them, they may harbour lingering feelings. I don’t think I know of a single couple who both decided at the exact same time they both wanted to end the relationship and there were no hard feelings. Most people need at least some space post breakup to process it before jumping back into a full on friendship and I think that’s healthy.

gannett · 17/05/2023 08:08

SpringCherryPie · 17/05/2023 07:43

@gannett there’s possible trouble in both scenarios though isn’t there. If you keep up with an Ex that you were angry with, it’s hard to resolve that anger. If you keep up with an Ex that you were never cross with, then there is often ‘What If… ‘ in the back of someone’s mind (often the men I find!) that bubbles up. Which is lovely and flattering if single, but a pain in the arse to a new relationship.

I think if either party is thinking "what if..." then that counts as lingering feelings and trying to stay friends would be a bad idea. And yes if there's lingering anger, there's no point even staying in touch unless you have to.

I do think the majority of exes are basically people you respect, who share mutual interests (and often social circles) and whose company you enjoy - but when you gave it a shot you found that you wanted different things out of life or couldn't stand their domestic habits or didn't want to be around them all the time. So once the dust settles from the split, if you still share friends and still see them around naturally, you end up on friendly terms again.

I also think exes are the least threatening people to a new relationship - both people know full well why it didn't work out and have no desire to try again!

Whichnumbers · 17/05/2023 08:10

Why would you want to be friends with an ex?

booboo24 · 17/05/2023 08:31

Absolutely possible but you can't force it, you can't decide you want to be friends and that's it, it takes a long time really I found for it to be natural.

I only have 1 significant ex, but I was with him forever! We started going out when we were 14, but we stayed together, got married, & had 2 children. We split when we were 36 and he hurt me terribly, so much so that my trust in men is generally very shaky, but 10 tears on, (I'm engaged again) and he is genuinely one of my best friends on this planet. That was what I missed most when we split up and I'm glad we managed to maintain it. I had to lose all romantic feelings first though, but friendship wasn't part of any plan, it's just how things have panned out. So yes, definitely a possibility, but give it time

Shivvy120 · 17/05/2023 10:23

It depends. I personally am not friends with any of my ex's, despite dating them for long periods of time. Does that mean I am an enemy? No. Could I sit down for a coffee and have a nice pleasant chat with any of them right now? Yes I could, apart from one car crash relationship. I think it's up to the person. If it's an easy going person who doesn't expect anything of you other than friendship, that's fine. If it's a sleaze who sends gross msgs when he's drunk, or even when he's not, it's a no.

EBearhug · 17/05/2023 12:33

I do think the majority of exes are basically people you respect, who share mutual interests (and often social circles) and whose company you enjoy - but when you gave it a shot you found that you wanted different things out of life or couldn't stand their domestic habits or didn't want to be around them all the time. So once the dust settles from the split, if you still share friends and still see them around naturally, you end up on friendly terms again.

I agree with this. I never had a major break-up in the sense of arguments. I'm still in touch with my first kiss because we have family friends and so on in common, and contact is likely to be, "I think you'd enjoy this radio programme, if you haven't heard it," things like that. We don't meet at all often these days, as he's in NZ, but we would if we happened to be in the same country (he comes back once in a while to see his sister.)

Another, it was our early 20s and we just ended up taking different paths, but we chat quite often and meet two or three times a year. I get on well with his partner. While I once thought we would have ended up married, I can't imagine that at all now we're in our 50s. But it's still good to chat to him.

And the last, it was a long distance relationship and I realised that I was the one making most of the effort. We never broke up as such, we just never arranged another flight, when previously they had been very regular. But we still keep each other updated with life in general every few months.

Others, we kept in touch a bit and then you get to a point where you realise you haven't spoken for over a year - it just died an organic death. But if they pinged me on FB or we met in the street or something, I'd be fine with a catch up.

Basically, the men I've been out with over the years haven't been bastards. I have also spent a lot of time single in between, so i don't think lingering feelings interrupted the next relationship. I have friends whose exes are complete gits, but they have to be in contact because of the kids, but definitely wouldn't be otherwise. And I also know people who aren't in touch with people they knew at school, uni, previous workplaces, whereas I am, so it's probably partly a personality type of thing.

But then a former fiancee of my father's came to his funeral, so maybe it also depends on the patterns you're brought up with.

CadburyDream · 17/05/2023 12:34

For me no. I hate my ex and other exes I don’t see the point in being friends I don’t hate them just haven’t kept in contact have no choice with my ex as shared kids but would never ever be friends

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 17/05/2023 13:14

I don't think each case is different. I don't generally see the point in staying friends with an ex. When I think about most of my exes, I'm happy to be friendly if our paths cross, but keep them at a distance. There is one that I would not even be friendly too because he is the vile sort of person that would exploit any kind of friendliness or positive reaction from me. And then there is one, who in truth, I could probably be friends with but it would feel a bit unfair on our spouses, because we get on so well (or used to!)