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Original poster

The paralysing grief of infidelity

8 replies

curlychocs · 16/05/2023 22:56

2 months into a separation where it has become clear stbxh was having an affair for about a year. I have had had many emotions but now stuck.in pure grief that due to his choices I will have to spend less time with my children and my relationship with my step child will change who i have know for over 12 years. I also will have to get to know OW in time as he is pretty much living there when not with the kids. I have to become financially poorer and risk losing my home. The grief can be all consuming. How do I get through this and accept what he has forced me into? I fought for our marriage and he has just walked away.

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 16/05/2023 23:01

Just keep moving forward. Even if you are just doing your day to days tasks, you are still moving forward.

The hurt will lessen, and you will figure the rest out.

If you need to, talk to a therapist.

It gets better.

And remember- you are free from someone who didn’t deserve you. You may not see it that way now, but eventually you will.

Saucemonkey · 16/05/2023 23:01

I am so sorry you are going through this. When I split with my ex I was heartbroken, he had literally slept with with half his work colleagues and one of my best friends. I had to move into a tiny flat and watch him go smiling to the car with my dd each week, back to the home of his young new gf.
now ten years on, I could seriously drink champagne to that moment. I am remarried with more children, my dh is an angel. My life has changed and I so do I. I grew into myself, I grew a backbone and a desire for good things. I studied and got a career, I made myself a good role model.
my ex no longer sees my dd- her choice now she is an adult. He continued to be a lying cheat and makes his once young gf, nothing but heartache whilst she clings on. They have been on/off for ten years. His life is nothing. My life is great. It all turns around OP, good luck

bawchops · 16/05/2023 23:05

A good therapist is worth weight in gold.

Talking to an unbiased party, someone who you can show the full extent of your emotions with no fear /embarrassment. Will help you unpick your feelings and move forward.

Time is also a great healer. Even if it doesn't feel like it now. Time will help.

Theypickedhim · 17/05/2023 03:15

Surviving infidelity is a great forum and chump lady

Coffeeandcards · 17/05/2023 03:59

You survive it one hour/day at a time for now. You keep the house going, you care for your kids, you stop yourself going under, and then one day you realise it’s starting to get easier. And then one day you look back and realise how much better off you are and you thank the stupid bastard for setting you free to live a better life x

letthatmango · 17/05/2023 06:39

I agree with surviving infidelity and chump lady websites.

Again I agree with a really good counsellor who understands infidelity trauma. Allow yourself time to grieve your planned future. That’s your right. Feel the feels and with time the days will get better.

On the good days (and they will happen) start to make exciting plans for you and the children. Do things together that feel like a bit of a challenge. Achievement really helps get you into a better head space. In times alone think about you and what you’d like to do, use the time away from the children to find your own interests, listen loudly to your favourite music, take up a sport you’ve always fancied, anything to focus on you.

Try not to fixate on AP and your ex, I know that’s easier than it sounds but try to shake off those obsessive thoughts. He is honestly not worth it. He has become someone you wouldn’t choose if you had a choice now. He’s a cheat, liar and betrayer. Grieve the old him but let the new one go!

Good luck you can do this and it will get better!

Sunshineandflipflops · 17/05/2023 09:58

letthatmango · 17/05/2023 06:39

I agree with surviving infidelity and chump lady websites.

Again I agree with a really good counsellor who understands infidelity trauma. Allow yourself time to grieve your planned future. That’s your right. Feel the feels and with time the days will get better.

On the good days (and they will happen) start to make exciting plans for you and the children. Do things together that feel like a bit of a challenge. Achievement really helps get you into a better head space. In times alone think about you and what you’d like to do, use the time away from the children to find your own interests, listen loudly to your favourite music, take up a sport you’ve always fancied, anything to focus on you.

Try not to fixate on AP and your ex, I know that’s easier than it sounds but try to shake off those obsessive thoughts. He is honestly not worth it. He has become someone you wouldn’t choose if you had a choice now. He’s a cheat, liar and betrayer. Grieve the old him but let the new one go!

Good luck you can do this and it will get better!

I totally second this.

It's a cliche but it's a cliche for a reason - it does get easier over time but time is something you can't rush.

I spoke to a counsellor after my marriage ended due to infidelity and it did help. I also talked to friends a lot - getting those all consuming thoughts and feelings out was really cathartic.

This really resonated with me: He has become someone you wouldn’t choose if you had a choice now. He’s a cheat, liar and betrayer. Grieve the old him but let the new one go!

5 years down the line, I am grateful for our marriage because we did have many happy years and two amazing children. I still grieve that marriage sometimes but the new him wasn't someone the current me could remain married to. He is now on his 3rd girlfriend since we split (the OW inevitably didn't last) and I have been with my partner for almost 4 years.

I grew so much in independence after we separated and I am proud of who I am and how I've survived and even thrived in that time.

We co-parent well and have our DC's best interests at heart and that is all I care about now - not what he does with his d*ck...that's not my business or concern but our DC are.

You'll get there - I promise x

Shivvy120 · 17/05/2023 10:32

Talk to a lawyer, make sure you see does he need to help you with finances etc.
Talk to a therapist. They are fantastic and can be really helpful.
You are not alone. More women than not have been in this situation. New women will go through it everyday. take it one step at a time,

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