Scared to tell ex-partner I miscarried…

[Lizzie67384]

Advice desperately needed :(

I have experienced my second miscarriage in a row; my now ex-partner is quite volatile (from a different culture) and has previously threatened to kill me should I have an abortion (which I considered when I found out I was pregnant). I’m concerned that he will think I had an abortion rather than miscarried - I have been keeping up the pretence of being pregnant for the last week or so as I am absolutely terrified of what he will do.

I was considering booking an appointment with a GP tomorrow and taking him with me so they can explain second miscarriages can occur. Any thoughts?

Thanks x

If he is your ex partner then it’s none of his business anyway so why do you need to tell him anything ?

What did the police do when he threatened to kill you? Didn't they arrest him?

She didn't mention the police. You must have read her post wrong.

Why do you need to tell him anything? Why is he still in your life?

I think shes implying that op should have called them, if she didn't

if you are that terrified of your ex partner you need to be contacting the police not taking him along to the doctors.

absolutely do not contact him - go through the police, tell them about the threats. You will be in no less danger even if GP explains that you have had a miscarriage - your ex may still not believe it.

Even if you were still pregnant, his threats would be enough of a reason to report him

You are correct, I didn’t report it to the police at the time

I'm reading this as you've dumped this shit head (well done) while pg with his child, which you've now miscarried, is that right?

First of all, well done for getting free. I think you should report his threatening to kill you to the police. Are you able to go somewhere else, somewhere safe, then phone him to tell him? I just don't think taking him to the GP will help, he'll only kick off when you leave. I suggest you urgently phone women's aid for support and advice, you need a plan to help to keep you safe.

This isn’t a GP situation tbh.
I’m sorry you are dealing with this, but booking an appointment to to get a HCP to try to convince your ex that MC’s can happen multiple times isn’t likely to help. It’s also unfair to the GP.
The info is on the internet, if he’s not going to believe valid information online he won’t believe it from some someone sat in front of him either.

Phone the non urgent police number and have them log your concerns and get them to advise.

Don't take him with you. He's your ex. You get on with your life without him. Text him to tell him. If he threatens you then inform the police. Block him and move on without him.

Just being from a different culture doesn’t give him the right to threaten you.
maybe just message saying ‘FYI I miscarried. There is no further reason for us to be in touch so please do not contact me again.’
dont being him to the doctors for goodness sake, why would you want him to know of your medical history? He doesn’t need handheld by a GP.
Would blocking him be enough or are you very scared? If so I would contact the police.

Thank goodness you got away from him.

If you are frightened of him, you need to report him to the Police. If you honestly think he's capable of harming you, then please tell them.

Unless you have stuff to sort out (eg selling a house), then I’d say don’t say anything, block him and ignore him.
At some point, he’ll realise that there is no baby (unless you WANT TO move away?) but he might have calmed down enough by then/not care anymore.

If you have to still be in touch, then I’d tell him with someone else present, in a public place. If possible, someone he is more likely to listen to so they can reinforce the fact that yes, you can have two miscarriages in a row.

And yes, if he ever threatens you again, then report it to the police asap.

Report his threats. He sounds deranged and unpredictable/dangerous.

You can get support from women's aid if he's harassing and threatening you. It doesn't matter what culture he's from he's being abusive and there's no excuse for that.

You have absolutely no duty to bring him to an appointment with you especially if you feel unsafe around him and unsure of his reaction. I'd text him to tell him what happened as others have suggested and keep any replies you get from him. I would only engage with him via text because you can take those messages to the police as evidence if he is abusive or threatening in them. Do you have messages from him threatening to kill you or was that verbal?

Please report him to the police, even if you have no evidence as such yet, you can still make a report. Women's aid can help with this and put safety measures in place such as getting your address red flagged for faster response. If you're worried about him turning up is there anyone you could stay with for a while until you can gauge his reaction?

You can also contact a solicitor who can get you a non molestation order so he can't be near you. If he is then police would be able to lift him.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, he may use this being a difficult and painful time to try to bully you further and you don't deserve that so don't feel guilty or dramatic by putting those boundaries in place. He's the one in the wrong here and there's no excuse for his behaviour.

I always say believe the threats. Threats + coercive control + leaving a relationship + being scared are major indicators for situations where men kill women. So… contact women’s aid, the police and/or a local domestic abuse service before he finds out. Get a safety plan in place. Get home protection measures. Get professional advice. Good luck