Am I in the wrong to feel like this?

[whiteonesugar]

Bit of backstory before I explain - my DH has a DC from a prev relationship, DC is a (fairly young) adult now and has their own child who is a few months old. Things didn't end well with the ex, there was a lot of animosity and when she got wind of him being in a new relationship (no overlap btw, it was about 8/9 months after they split that we got together) she prevented him and his family having contact with his DC for a long time until he got solicitors involved. There were still issues over the year with the ex over money, contact, general slagging off of his family etc. but things eventually settled down to a point, though DH and ex don't have contact if he can help it.

We've been together for over 15 years now with 2 shared DC, his DC is grown up and has recently had their first child. DC doesn't drive - this is relevant. We all get on pretty well, no issues!

We had a family 'do' recently and PIL were there. I noticed MIL had her nails done and commented they looked nice, she then proceeded to say that DH's ex had brought his DC and DGC over and done them for her. So basically, he ex-DIL (ish, they weren't married but whatever) had come over, been in their house for a few hours and done her nails for her (it's her job, she's a nail tech).

I feel hurt by this but I cant quite articulate why. I know they want to see their DGC and their new baby, but why on earth did the ex have to come over and furthermore, why is she doing her nails? There are plenty of places to get nails done. I think I could have dealt with it better if the ex had simply dropped her off and popped in for a cuppa (though it would be weird!) but its the nails part that feels really off.

I have tried to explain it away in my head that well, DC doesn't drive (in laws live about 45mins drive from DC) and their partner who does wasn't around, so that's how DSC could get to the PILs but actually, myself or DH could have taken them if they or DC had asked us? They've had no relationship with ex in the past 15 years, why now?

It feels disloyal. They didn't tell us until I mentioned the nails, so not sure they would have. I spoke to DH and he feels the same, but also said he doesn't want to make a fuss or cause a big argument as his DPs have both had their own health issues lately and he doesn't want to rock the boat. But part of me wants to ask what on earth they were thinking? Where is the loyalty - not just to me, but to their son?

It would be different if they have split amicably and maintained a relationship through the years - but they didn't and they haven't. Am I wrong to feel this way? And would you approach it with them?

Your mil wants to see her great grandchild, I think that's perfectly reasonable. If the ex was the driver it would have been churlish to turn her away at the door.

MIL is allowed to get whoever she likes to do her nails. Don’t say anything.

Personally I think it's lovely that they can all have an amicable relationship. I can see why it might make you uneasy, but really it doesn't actually impinge on you in any way does it?
Do you get on OK with MIL?

@Iwrote Yes I agree, it was more the nails - it's a bit more intimate than a cuppa and chat etc - I am aware I might be overreacting a bit.

I think your feelings are understandable, but they are very much your own problem to deal with - I don't mean this nastily, but nobody has done anything wrong here. Your MIL is perfectly entitled to have relationships with whomever she chooses, whenever she chooses, and on whatever basis she chooses. Perhaps she feels that it would be nice to rekindle some sort of friendship with her GC's mother now that there is a GGC as well? That's entirely up to her.

I do sympathise, I think most of us would probably not be too delighted by this - but you would be completely wrong to let MIL or anyone else in the family know that you are feeling resentful, imo. You don't have the moral high ground here.

This is a very weird thing to get caught up with. Their gs came with his mother and his baby. What were they supposed to do, turn her away at the door? This is someone they presumably knew for many years, the fact that the divorce was not amicable is irrelevant to them.

Blended family relationships work best when everyone stays out of everyone else's conflicts, and that is exactly what they were doing, which is the healthiest approach.

She is a nail tech, and offered to do her nails (and did a very good job, you noticed it). Again, should she have said no? Why? Wouldn't it have been churlish?

So long as you get on well with his parents and have your own good relationship with them I’d probably not give too much thought to whether they still speak to his ex.

Many people do and it’s mostly because they don’t want to ever fall out with their grandchildren or just want to be agreeable and pleasant.

I agree it’s a bit odd but as long as it’s not interfering with you and your DH’s relationship with them I’d probably let it go. I wouldn’t say it’s disloyal as such unless they were ignoring and excluding you in favour of her or inviting her over for Christmas or something.

My DP has a grown up child with his ex (they can’t stand each other and never speak) and his Mum still speaks to her on the phone every couple of weeks. We don’t really understand why but also don’t care to be honest. If she wants to speak to her we just let her get on with it, she can talk to whoever she wants.

I appreciate the advice, and I think I know this, hence I didn't say anything at the time because i am aware it's my own issue.

To answer the question @heldinadream we have always been super close, but it's changed in recent years due to her issues (MH related) but we've never fallen out or anything, I've always thought we got on great. I make time to take our DC over to see them, invite them to things etc. No issues there.

I think it's just weird that after so long and some of the things she did and said to them they are welcoming her with open arms. But agree it's my issue. DH feels the same but again, he isn't sure saying anything will achieve anything.