Hello all,
I am coming up to 4 years with my partner. However, things have taken a turn for the worse.
We met 6 months before the pandemic - it was great. We moved in together during the pandemic & got used to be around each other lot, both working from home. We share similar interests and built a connection quickly. I began to see some concerns then ie I disclosed I had trust issues from previous relationships and childhood - he was blank. I now understand this to be his complete lack of emotional availability and maturity. He was married before but it did not last more than 6 months - he was pressurised into not calling off the engagement due to family and cultural pressures. He spoke with anger when retelling his version of events. I have now learned that his whole family have anger issues; they are unable to navigate conflict or communicate maturely and they have learned this from their mother.
A year in, I discovered some lies about his previous girlfriends. To me, there is no issue with people having a past but if one of those exes makes contact when we are together , he tells me a woman has reached out and I ask a question, then I should be told the truth. Before he met me, he had a 4.5 year fuck buddy situation but told me he only slept with her a few times. The fallout from his marriage seems to have scarred him & in the 7 years before he met me, he only had 1 steady relationship of 11 months. Everything else was casual dating. That is his business and whilst we have been dating, I have never had concerns around him cheating. He carries alot of shame (previous relationships, sex outside marriage, losing virginity to prostitutes) from his past which does not align with him as a muslim man (part time muslim - does not pray, very occasionally drinks alcohol, does fast).
Over time though, the lies and my own insecurities have placed a wedge between us. I am more insecure and anxious (alot of this anxiety comes from my own childhood and I have received therapy about this in the past). When I am upset about work or family, he can respond with care and kindness - does not always know the right things to say but he responds.
However, whenever I raise a concern or something I am insecure or anxious about, he shuts down, does not come to me when I am crying and is just blank. He is unable to identify a feeling when I ask him how does he think something made me feel. But now, he is responding with anger and arguments or discussions escalate quickly. He has always had a temper which started with raised voice. It then moved onto throwing something in the flat or breaking something.
We broke up after 2 years together and I moved out for a year. We had a break and then continued dating. One time, he came around and we argued. He became very loud and left. Someone in my building must have called the police as they turned up at my door. They encouraged me to complete a Claire's Law. I started but never saw it through.
He has broken a shoe rack twice, taken a shoe horn to the wall and damaged the door frame, broken a clothes horse. He has driven the car in a dangerous manner (speeding up) to scare me. He can be unpredictable.
He has smashed my mobile phone in the past. Yesterday was the worst. I refused to give him his laptop as he was going to work. I know I should not have done that - it was immature of me. We had an argument the night before where he told me that he forced himself to hang out with me after his coffee with his brother. I had met a friend. Whilst I was walking home, I asked him if he wanted to grab an ice-cream - he said yes and we drove to a place we like. Later that evening he told me he forced himself to go with me and that he wanted to stay local. What upset me was the fact he could not just express his preference clearly, instead of throwing it in my face. In a way, I felt like he was lying again, even though it is tiny. I was upset and slept on the couch. He just ignored me. The next morning, I wanted to talk about it briefly and for him to apologise. He refused to talk about it until the evening, i kept on pressing as in my head it was quick, say sorry and move on.
He forced the laptop out of my hand by tightly squeezing my wrist. I resisted and pulled away from him. He was standing over me. He pushed my head back a bit, put his hand on the base of my throat/chest area (this happened once before), he spat at me. He backed off and I went to sit on the balcony outside. He open the window and called me a f*ing c**t over and over, insulting me in my career and telling me he was going to smash my face in and that it was my fault he was behaving like this.
I did not react - just sat there quietly until he left to go to work.
I am devastated. He did not message all day and apologised when he came home. I have no family in this country but have been here over 10 years. I cannot afford a one bedroom flat now due to the prices. I am living in his council flat and the rent is more affordable. We have a summer holiday booked in August together. I have told no one, only messaged Victim Support once before and Refuge last night before he came home.
I am heartbroken that the man I fell in love with could do this. I am human for having emotions and feelings, I should be able to raise them and my partner should be able to respond calmly. He has been my rock since I met him and I cannot imagine my life without him. I am 36 and we have talked about getting married. I feel like I have wasted 4 years. I believe I will never meet anyone again and that I will be too scared to trust. My friends are all settled with babies and moved away out of London. I feel utterly alone and sad. I cannot see a way forward without him in my life but I also now what is happening me is abusive and damaging me. Does it get worse? Will he get better if he gets help for his anger? Will he be better for a different partner after me?
I wrote here to offload & seek advice please. I am an educated and knowledgeable individual and cannot believe I have ended up like this.