Hi all,
So I am currently going through a situation and would just like to see what people thought of this. I feel like I already know what to do but there is a very thin line of hope I am holding on to.
ps I have been going to therapy since all this started.
I am a 35F, and recently got married to someone from the usa. I relocated last December (from the uk) and we were married by January (all planned).
Before we got married, I discovered some things about my husband. We had been dating long distance for roughly 2years and I really did think I knew him well enough. Here are some things;
a) He was into an alternative lifestyle of sex parties etc and he actually took me to some as I was curious about it all and really did care for him so I thought maybe if I am open, it would be good for our relationship. I really thought he was not serious at first but he was. He saw it as an initiation of some sorts and in the end I could tell that he wanted us to be involved in that type of alternative lifestyle in the forseable future.
b) Turns out during the 2years we were dating, he would drop me off at the airport and then head to sex parties afterwards. (Only reason I found out was because i found a receipt of his entrance payment in December before we married). Questioned him about it and he denied it at first but then came clean and said he was looking for a place for us to go to (trying them out first in a sense).
c) Before we married again, a delivery came through, and I was home alone that day. I opened it and it was some lube. I obviously thought it was for us, so i sealed it back up and retreated back and went back to my office to work. When he came home I could hear him shuffling around in and out of the house so i came out of the office, he was in the kitchen reading mail. Immediately i felt like a whole rock had dropped in my stomach and I asked him what happened to the package that was delivered. He looked shook. He did not realise I had already opened it and knew what was in it so he tried to hide saying it was work stuff. I forced him to show me where he put it, and eventually (after an hour of back and forth yelling) he led me outside to his truck and under the back seat where there is a storage compartment was where he had put/ hid them. So obviously I asked why he hid them, as my head was spinning at this point. Took him another two hours and me breaking shit in the house for him to finally take me to his empty rented property, where he showed me his stash of dildos (all shapes and sizes) 3 bags full, about 200 of them. 🥺. When we got to the house i had to fight to get into the property with him and it took us roughly another 2 hours before he finally let me in on his hiding spot.
To say I was shocked was an understatement because he had never mentioned any of this. He came clean that he loved a prostate massage, I am no prude so again, I remained open minded and tried to understand him and make sense of it all. Mind all this is happening about a week to our wedding. I was so confused because the man I thought I loved wasn’t the person I thought he was.
Up until I said I do, I was riddled with anxiousness and doubt and really was in autopilot. I can genuinely say that I did not at all enjoy my wedding. My cousin and brother that I had confided in had shut me out and wanted nothing to do with him, or even hear his name.
d) Now something else has come up, his addiction to porn, specifically gay porn. He watches it everyday and its in copious amounts, I know for a fact he is addicted to it and that he possibly is gay or bi, even though he continuously declines this. I’ve seen all his searches, including searches of trannies (apologies for the offensive word use) near me (i.e his location) or just about any fetish he has on the phone near him. Asked him about that he said he was just looking and hasn’t met anyone yet.
This is someone I really do love this, or at least the version of him that I thought he was. We had a whole future planned out, or rather I believed in everything he said. But the more I stay with him, the more everything affects me. I am hesitant to leave for various obvious reasons, age, loneliness, I literally relocated for this person, and feel like my world has been crushed by the person I loved the most….
Just asking for a hand hold as I get through this mess… I can’t trust anyone again in real life after being flamed by my cousin and brother. But i just feel so alone.
Thanks for reading all that.