Is this normal in a marriage? So unhappy.

[Mary1776]

I’d really like some advice as I just don’t know what (if anything) to do.
I’ve been married to dh for several years, we have two young dd. We have lots of things to be grateful for. Good health, not loads of money but comfortable, grandparents nearby who like to help out.
DH can get incredibly stressed and grumpy, particularly about work. I feel that, pretty much all our marriage, I have been dreading him coming home from work, hoping he’s in a good mood. When he’s in a good mood it’s all great. When he’s not then he’s miserable, critical, and when the children are in bed he’ll want to talk to me about it - fine - but often for absolutely ages, over an hour, with him ranting and talking about how lots of people at his work are useless/rubbish etc. If I try and change the subject he gets upset and often angry.
sometimes he really really shouts at me, really loudly. He swears often, though I admit I’ve sworn back sometimes. I often annoy him, I feel he gets cross/annoyed with me pretty much every day or at least every other day about something. When I point this out to him he says it’s nothing major, he loves me but just finds little things I do annoying. I think I might be on the autistic spectrum and I struggle to read situations. He tells me I don’t use my intuition and can’t tell what he needs.
the thing is, I’m getting really unhappy. Sometimes when we argue I go away and start hitting myself. I just hate myself so much. I can’t argue my point properly, I feel everything gets twisted.
I worry that he doesn’t sound very nice but he’s a loving father and a kind person, I think he might have anxiety/depression. I’ve suggested he tries going to see a therapist but he won’t.
I’m sure a lot of this is my fault. But I feel that so many things get ruined by his moods. Every family event recently I’ve done something wrong. I then get upset and he says it’s me making a big deal over nothing. Which it probably is. I just don’t want to be this miserable. I don’t think my friends have marriages like this. He says it’s normal to get snappy with each other and that I have a Pollyanna ish view of the world.
what should I do?

This is NOT normal.

This is a controlling abusive marriage where you walk on eggshells.

It is an awful environment for children.

Please ring Women's aid for a chat in real life.

Talking to someone might help you see how bad things are.

Reach out to family and friends for support.

You are being abused and so are your children if they are witnesses to his behaviour.

It is not normal and it's not your fault. You did the right thing pointing out to him what he's like. It IS major. You've told him how you feel and he hasn't changed.

He reminds me of my dad. Please leave him for the sake of your DC. I'm eternally grateful to my mum for leaving my dad when I was a small kid (although I'm baffled why she had kids with him in the first place). I only wish she didn't encourage me to visit him so much until I was strong enough to say never again.

He's not a loving father or kind man. He's ruining your children's childhood, if he's as much like my dad as he sounds

It's not all your fault. You are not a mind reader and can't be magically expected to know what he needs. It's not like he's at all bothered what you need, even when you spell it out.

Here's an anecdote about the eggshells thing. Decades after my parents split up and bazillions of girlfriends later, my dad finally settled with a really lovely woman about his age, educated businesswoman unlike the meek younger women he usually went for, I wondered what she saw in him but they seemed happy, they were together over 10y.

I was visiting them in my early 20s with my then-new BF (now my DH). Dad's GF was giving me a foreign cooking lesson and Dad went to go have a grumpy nap. We two women were getting on so well, laughing and cooking and having fun. Halfway through the cooking we heard a man's footsteps coming down the stairs and my Dad's GF just sort of froze and looked at me in horror. Then she said in relief "oh it's only your boyfriend!" That's how terrified she was of my Dad's moods. She'd rather see a relative stranger, my bf, coming down the stairs than her own DP after his nap!

That could have been my whole childhood, but thank god I only visited him one holiday a year. Guaranteed that is how your children feel. They dread their father's footsteps coming down the stairs, they dread to find out what mood he's in, or if they're about to be told off for disturbing his nap or his work or his book.

By contrast, dd and I love hearing DH's footsteps coming down the stairs. That's how we know he's finished working from home and we both spring up to greet him and tell him all about our day. That's a normal marriage. You can have a lovely marriage one day with someone else if you leave this one

This.

There's nothing wrong with YOU or your reaction. Your h is abusive.

"He tells me I don’t use my intuition and can’t tell what he needs."
Does he ever use his intuition to tell what you need? Sounds like he's taking his bad moods out on you and expecting you to be his audience when he wants a rant. It's all rather one sided isn't it? No, it's not normal or acceptable.

Sounds like at some level he thinks he is an infant and you are the primary caregiver whose job is to attune to him and provide the containment/soothing that he needs.

This book was recommended by someone on here: Why does he do that?’ Inside the mind of an angry and controlling men - by Lundy Bancroft

Do read it - it’s brilliant and so helpful

Your post about him reads like an abusers script OP, his moods dictate everything, you're sure it's your fault, you've always done 'something wrong', you're making a big deal out of nothing, etc etc. It's a sure sign that someone is abusive if all your arguments revolve around what you are doing wrong with zero self reflection or taking responsibility on their part, it can't all be your fault.

Read up on abuse, the nice/nasty cycle, DARVO and gaslighting. The book 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft (available to read online if you google the title and 'free pdf') and the Freedom Programme (about £15 for the online version) would be good places to start. Once you know what abuse looks like you will see it more and more in his behaviour and you'll realise that it isn't your fault and you don't have to put up with it

This sounds very much like my marriage (which ended fifteen years ago).

You’re being recommended the Lundy Bancroft book. Do read it and research abusive relationships and narcissism. What I think you’ll think is that your DH isn’t as bad as these other men. That is kind of still how I think about my ex. so I suggest looking at Dr Ramani’s YouTube channel and the video about mid-range narcissists.

I’m autistic too and I didn’t have a clue that I was in an abusive relationship. It’s taken years of soul searching to realise and he still messes with my head because my eldest son lives with him. Do your research and find yourself some confidence. You are totally correct in your observations about him but you have to have faith in yourself because unfortunately he will never communicate in the way that you need. If you can do that you’ll be in a much better position to leave and you’ll have an easier ride over the years ahead.

Here you go OP:

Does he ever analyse himself or apologise for his behaviour? Does he diagnose himself as neuro diverse?

So sometimes in relationships get snappy... but I notice only he is allowed to be snappy. YOu're not. Because you're the only one who ever does anything wrong etc?

This is NOT okay OP. You don't give examples of the kinds of things that you do that he claims are you being wrong but I'll put money on them all being silly and ridiculous and/or controlling. Did you not have dinner ready on time? Or realise that he needed his blue shirt or ask him a question when he wants you to be quiet or forget the name of a work colleague (he probably never even told you about) or not magically know he's swapped to Earl Grey tea or asked him to help you when he wants a massage..... ?

The bit about you not being able to tell what his needs are is a particular red flag - you shouldn't be constantly having to prove your love by guessing what he wants. In a normal healthy relationship two adults can tell each other what they need.

@TwoFluffyDogsOnMyBed thank you for mentioning the dr ramani video! I have just watched it and it really resonated with me having left my exh (after a very I'll advised exit affair) and still struggling to unpick it two years later.

OP it really does sound like he's gaslighting you and minimising your feelings whilst normalising his behaviour. I hope you manage to find your way out