Is this abuse?

[eyesopened1979]

My head is all over the place but I feel like I'm suddenly seeing things more clearly.
I feel like writing this down and getting some opinions will help so here goes.
Been with oh for 13 years, married for 8. 2 dc, 11 & 6.
When we met I had my own business and house. He moved in with me. I was the main earner by along way. He grew his business and after the birth of my first child he made it hard for me to keep my business going. I had to do all sick days etc so we decided I would sell my business. I was pregnant again and it seemed the easiest thing to do. I carried on working part time to fit around the kids.
Once youngest was 4 I wanted to get a career going again but oh has pretty much made this impossible. He won't do any pick ups or drop offs and works until 8/9 at night.
Life revolves around his work. I've asked for help to return to work and more support in the house but I get told I've got a nice life and I'm ungrateful. I feel I've got the life he's telling me I can have. Yes some bits are nice. I only work 15 hours and get time to see friends but my time is also taken up running the house and I have all the mental load. He won't even take a few hours off for me to go to hospital appointments.
He doesn't stop me going out or seeing friends and he does give me money but I want to earn my own money.
I've realised that anytime I bring up anything I'm unhappy with or want more help I get punished. So somehow he ends up being the injured party and I get the silent treatment for days. Then the thing I've bought up just gets forgotten about by the time he's speaking to me again.
So on Thursday I said I was feeling overwhelmed as I'd got two medical appointments and was working extra hours (plus kids has extra stuff going on) and I needed some help. He said he couldn't and work came first. Then on Saturday I had a moan as I got back from a kids club and he hadn't sorted lunch, emptied the dishwasher or done anything. So he stopped speaking to me as he said I spoke to him like a child. Last night he went out without saying a word and wasn't answering his phone. He came home at 10 drunk and said it was because I'm so awful.
It means I can never bring anything up because I feel like im punished and it becomes about how hard done by he is.
I think this has been happening for so long I've just got used to it.
He also makes huge financial decisions and shouts at me if I don't agree and dies it anyway. Thank you if you've read my essay and any id really appreciate any opinions on this.

Yes. It is abuse, he is controlling and coercive, as well as his vile behaviour. He is not going to change.

Please call or message Women’s Aid when you are able to and google the Freedom Programme online. Don’t let him know you are doing any of it, be very careful.

There are many things in your post similar to my long marriage.

Anytime I had any sort of complaint or wanted help, he always became the injured party. He didn’t do the silent treatment but just went straight to righteous anger.

After years of feeling this wasn’t fair and growing resentment, I found a chartered clinical psychologist. She helped me see him in his true light.

I am now divorcing.

Thank you both.
I have the anger first then the silent treatment, it goes on for so long I start to believe I've done something wrong and forget it was me who was upset in the first place.
Last weekend he called me a stupid bitch (can't even remember what I'd done wrong) then because he apologised I have to get over it.
Apparently it's the way I say things, my tone and talking to him like he's a child. Perhaps I do but I've tried so many ways to talk and communicate I'm just lost.
I don't know where to go from here, he won't leave and I have no family near by. Do I just put the house up for sale and start divorce proceedings? Well done for being brave and leaving.

When he's not stressed with work he's much nicer but as soon as he's stressed I feel that it's all taken out on me, everything is my fault.

Yes it is abuse. To give you the flip side, dh earns more than me and has to do longer hours, he supports every career decision I make. We share care for our dc, even sick days, we share financial decisions and he supports me to do what I want and need to do. This is how a good marriage works. It is not always easy and sometimes I do more than him but it is done with good communication.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Parts of your story was my story back along, many years ago.
I finally took the bull by the horns left the house and in slow time eventually divorced him. I was so much more at ease & peaceful on my own. Luckily I’d had the foresight to get a job, save money and was able to buy my own house free and clear of him.

Im not sure this is the right way forward for you at this time because it’s always more complex than you can ever narrate here but your day will come. You have to believe there is a future out there for you which is peaceful and that you will control, for your own good and prosperity and that of the children.

Look ahead and plan!
Keep the faith.

Thank you, when I read that I know that's how it should work but somehow I find myself here, with no career and being shouted at.
If ever I ask for help I get told work has to come first or how will we live. It's so dramatic just for him to leave an hour later for work so I can go to the hospital.
He does work extremely long hours in a stressful job but I just can accept how he talks to me. It's not like I'm not doing anything.

At this point I'm pretty reliant on him financially as I only work 15 hours. I think I need to get a full time job ASAP and just try and deal with the fall out of that. The kids are older now so I can put them in more childcare.
I also need to see where I stand if I leave. we have two houses but one is rented out (wouldn't sell) mortgages on both. I know he has debt so I need to find out where I stand with that.
It's just so hard living like this, the kids are picking up on all the silent treatment and sometimes I feel like im going mad.

You need to contact Women's aid.

This is abuse and coercive control.

You need legal advice.

Gather all nd any paperwork that you can, payslips, bank statements, pensions etc.

Get organised so you can get out.

He is deliberately controlling you.

Reach out to family and friends for support.

He's self-employed which will make everything so much harder. I feel like I'm only just holding it together and on the verge of tears all the time. Thank you all.

That is why you need to call your GP and Women's aid.

You are not alone.

Sounds like it's time for a plan OP.

I've made an appointment with a solicitor

Well done. Spell out his coercive control and abuse of you, your fear of him, his control of you.

Don't hold back.
We are here for you.

Thank you, I've recorded some of the abusive outbursts for my own sanity. I spoke to my friend a bit about it today but it's so hard and I feel really alone. I'm so worried about finding somewhere to live. We live in a fairly expensive village and the kids are settled here and I've got friends, I won't be able to afford to live here. I don't think I'll ever get a mortgage again and the rental market is crazy like everywhere else.

Well done for taking the first step, and I'm sorry you're going through this.

You have spotted exactly how pretty much all abuse works.

1. The abuser is displeased by something you've done or said because it inconveniences them, requires some effort from them, isn't how they would do it, or triggers a sense of fear, guilt or shame in them.
2. Instead of calmly and respectfully explaining why what you've done or said bothers them or doesn't work for them, they become angry, aggressive and demeaning or behave childishly, self-indulgently or punishingly.
3. They then insist that it's YOUR fault they are acting the way they are, as though no other possible actions exist, and pretend you are a terrible person in order to take the focus off them.
4. Sometimes they will later apologise if it becomes apparent you are likely to end the relationship, but the apology is hollow; they do not really believe their behaviour was a problem and are only apologising as a different way of getting you to do what they want (ie forgive them).

Once you have clarity on how the abuse unfolds, it becomes so much easier to see in the moment and set boundaries around.

Send those recordings to your friend for safe keeping, or to your solicitor.

Don't pretend you have them.

One step at a time.

Yes I would consider it very controlling. He’s pleasing himself isn’t he, telling you that you should be grateful!

I hope you have some record of his self employed income, my friend went through this with her DH and as he didn’t properly record or rather lied about what he actually earned, he only ended up paying £40 in child maintenance, he kept the house, bought her out and when she had gone he did the house up, bought a new car, etc.

Could you arrange childcare, someone to take the children to school/ after school club? to enable you to work. Put yourself in a better position before doing anything else.., just a thought.

I can get access to his income I think, I'll start looking through the paperwork in his office. I do some bookwork for him so it'll be easy to look. I've got a rough idea of earnings as we applied for a new mortgage last year. I know this year his income has dropped massively though as he was starting another company so has worked less.
I've got 3 recording so I'll try and send them to a friend, I just feel so embarrassed.
I've applied for 11 jobs over the last two days and I'll just have to rely on friends and paying for childcare and accept I do everything else too. I'll have to find a way. I cant leave and only be working 15 hours. Although I love my job and the pay is pretty good for what I do. It all just seems overwhelming at the moment all while still getting the silent treatment.

Take photos of any and all paperwork and email it to a new safe email address.

One daybat a time.

Start telling people.

The support will help you.