Can I ask for your thoughts?

[Bangersandmashfortea]

Sorry if I am not the best at explaining myself , my ex and I have parted ways which is fine, he's off to see if the grass is greener but that's a whole other thread.

So he has blocked me on everything - if I need to ring to discuss our DC I have to call him from a private number which is a bit of a pain but all OK.

My issue is, he rings me and messages me off various different platforms to chat and discuss DC - and ask for my help in sorting his life admin bits and this morning told me in order for him to unblock me I have to prove myself ?

I've been racking my brains as to what it is I need to prove but I can't think of anything ? Has anyone else experienced this? Feels like some sort of bullying/manipulation tactic ?

Stop playing his game and just ignore his calls and certainly don't help him on his life admin.

I'd recommend telling him that you are setting up one email address for discussions about your kids if he cannot behave like an adult, and you will be ignoring anything that doesn't come through that route as you don't have time for his fuckwittery.

And set up an email address and only respond to discussion about the kids. And only through that route.

He's having his cake and eating it, isn't he?
Stop helping him, be cold but civil and only communicate about your child.

Fuck proving yourself. He's proving himself a bit of a dick and you sound well out of it.

When he says you need to prove yourself he's suggesting if you play nice he might reconsider leaving I expect. He just wants you to do his admin because he's too lazy. Tell him you're not his life partner anymore and to sort his own life out

Tell him you have proved yourself by being there for the kids when he wasn't /isn't. Then tell him to fuck off and set up a dedicated email address as suggested above and only communicate via that and only about the kids.

He's got some nerve blocking you and then keeping all his channels of communication open. It sounds more like he needs to prove himself.

You’re quite right, it’s manipulative and controlling behaviour.

He is withholding the basic cooperation and access that should be expected as part of responsible co-parenting (instead of being “earned”) in order to get you running around after him and doing things he should be doing for himself, while also dangling the carrot of a “decent relationship” if you can “prove yourself”, whatever that means.

I’ll tell you what it means: whatever he wants it to mean, and it will never mean that you get decent behaviour out of him in a consistent way. There will always be reasons that you haven’t proven yourself yet, or why you’ve failed to do do something the “right” way. Occasionally he will be nice to trick you into thinking it’s working and you’re making progress but eventually you’ll do something “wrong” again and he’ll use it as an excuse to treat you badly.

Take control. Focus on shaping your life in such a way that you don’t need to rely on him for anything. Assume he will do nothing at all for you and the kids, so anything he does is a bonus. This is terribly unfair but it is better than expecting him to do more and being continually disappointed, and it’s the only way to maintain your sanity and sense of stability.

Download a co-parenting app and make it clear he can get hold of you through that and you won’t be responding to any other channels. You will message him through the app too. Change your number and email address.

These assholes don’t care about respecting normal boundaries so you have to set ones that give you the power to enforce them.

Actually, don’t change your phone and email, just block him through the other channels he is reaching you on. And stop faffing around with withheld numbers. If he has blocked you from communicating with him, stop.

If he is going to act like he is dead to you, treat him as though he is dead. If were dead, you wouldn’t need to discuss anything about the kids with him, you’d just figure out what you need to do and do that. If he wants to be involved with the kids, he can start communicating like a normal involved parent.

My husband and I parted 3 weeks ago, I found I was at his beck and call and that I was looking for excuses to contact him. So a week ago I went no contact. He has messaged me a couple of times but I have simply left them unanswered. I have no conceivable reason to contact him. Luckily dc maintain their own contact with him. It was done my mental health the world of hood.I intend this to continue for around 6m and at that time he'll get his divorce papers in the post. I has been hard but so much better for me and tbh I owe him nothing. I'm done with doing all his thinking for him, he hasn't done a thing without my advice for 25 years... well he did make the choice to have an affair and look how that worked out for him, ha ha, dick!

I suggest you do the same, if he's not with you that means he gets none of you.

Peculiar situation. Blocking you on all channels is extreme, especially since you’re co-parenting a child. It feels like he’s setting up the principle of him being difficult to contact.

And ‘prove yourself’ is such a vague and open-ended concept. Prove yourself as what? A parent? A nuclear physicist? A sausage in a bun?

I think you need to a) insist that he explains what ‘prove yourself’ means in words of one syllable and b) insist that you have at least one channel of open comma between you where you discuss your child’s needs.

Was their any ‘fault’ on either side that instigated the breakup?

*open communication, not open comma 😕

And there not their. I haven’t had my coffee this morning, can you tell!?

Gosh, he sounds difficult. The thing about you having to prove yourself- has he had some sort of MH crisis? That's the sort of thing my schizophrenic brother used to say.

Assuming that he's well and just an arsehole, I'd choose a way that you're happy to communicate- an email address, say, or a phone number- and just tell him that that's how it is. Don't respond to anything else. Don't do his life admin.

Do not answer him, he can fuck
off and figure things out himself,
cheeky twat.
Block him yourself, stop playing his games.

Prove yourself? Sounds like he is realising the grass isn’t greener and trying to style it out.

Ignore him, don’t even respond

It's so bloody difficult because I am trying to detach my feelings for him vs what is best for the DCs but I feel these games are dragging me down and I want to move on with my life without the added stress or worry he seems to bring alongside it

Good idea regarding separate emails and will have a look at the co parenting apps - hes asked for DC to go for tea tommorow forgetting that they are busy almost every night because of the classes he signed them up to do which I drop them too and from every week 🤦‍♀️

Then just say "yes that suits, if you pick them both up and feed them. Let me know what time you're dropping them home"

If he doesn't know where they are at what time that's his to own up to and embarrass himself with.

Thankyou!