I know there isn't going to be any advice to this other than 'get therapy' but I've done that several times and it hasn't helped. I understand the reasons that underlie me feeling like this and I understand the logic behind thinking differently but, on an emotional level, it doesn't help. Reframing my thinking, coming up with an alternative internal narrative and changing my self talk just feels like I'm gaslighting myself. Even when it is temporarily successful, I end up feeling angry, disgusted and hostile towards myself for believing it or trying to think differently.
I understand the theory on core beliefs, I know about my subconscious working overdrive to protect me, I understand about internalising other people's negative voice and it becoming my own but I can't change it. And it's making me desperately unhappy.
I've been in a relationship with someone for around a year and a half. On the surface, it's the best relationship I've ever had. Mostly because I've never really had a functioning relationship before. We enjoy each others company, we do plenty of things together, we have similar interests and hobbies. He's very loving and affectionate. He's complimentary but not OTT about it.
But it all feels like it's happening on the other side of a glass wall. Like I'm watching it happen but it doesn't exist within me. If that makes sense. I can see what he says and does and I know from reading other threads on here that he is 'one of the good ones'. Not perfect but he prioritises me, he is kind, he is supportive, he does more than his fair share when we are together (we don't live together). My children really like him. My friends really like him. Everyone really likes him!
I fancy him and I love him. He says the same about me but I don't believe him. The evidence all points to him loving me so I 'accept' it on one level and I suppose I believe that. But I don't believe he's sexually attracted to me.
I can feel myself withdrawing from him and pushing him away. It's not an intentional thing - and I've tried to resist my urge to do so and 'fake it till I make it' but it's making me feel ill and anxious.
The crux of it at the moment is that I don't feel he is attracted to me. I find it difficult being out with him because I believe he is embarrassed to be seen with me and I spoil his nights out by being there. I evaluate all of his friends' partners and find myself lacking in comparison. And I believe he deserves better than that. The logic in me knows all the wrong in all of this but it doesn't stop me from doing it.
When we first got together, we had sex several times a week. I understand that there is novelty and more sex at the start. But he started to experience ED issues. He had no problems getting hard but often didn't stay hard for long enough. He was always very attentive to me and often this is what caused him to lose his erection. He has told me that it's not me, it's his age, he fancies me and desires me but his body is no longer as willing as it was. I get all of that.
But now it's a solid once a week. I know that this isn't infrequent but I feel I've switched off to it altogether. I don't want him to 'service' me in between so any other sexual intimacy is off the cards but my mind is working overdrive now. I'm convinced that he only has sex with me because he's been sexually attracted to/aroused by women during the week and feels horny by the weekend. That he just doesn't fancy me and so is probably sorting himself out at other times but once a week wants the sensation/experience of piv.
Of course, he denies all of this (of course he would though - whatever the truth) and was shocked when I spoke with him about it. I don't think he knows what to say or do and, tbh, I've run through scenarios in head and I'm not sure there is anything he could say or do.