DH sleeps when kids are awake vs at night

[ivanandroe]

DH works an early shift, starting at 5:30. So he is usually leaving about 4:45, he has a bit of a commute. He picks our primary aged children up from school on the way home, but as soon as he gets home, he showers, eats a lunch type meal and goes to bed. Wakes up around midnight and repeat. Once he wakes up, he will do a wash load, give the kitchen a wipe over/clean up the stuff from the kids dinner and just general house things, including make the lunches for the youngest ones and have their uniform out, etc. but he is not seeing the children at all, apart from the small period of picking them up. We have 2 in primary school (7 and 9) and a 14 year old. 14 yo is barely seeing his dad at all, as he comes home by school bus and if he has an after school club, he won't see his dad for the whole day.

So many of my friends tell me I'm lucky he helps around the house, etc. but I really don't think it's that lucky when he isn't actually in their life at all, he could have the whole afternoon and evening with them, spending time, getting an early night, but he just doesn't.

So what time is he actually going to bed? When does he get home from work/picking the kids up? He starts at 5:30, but you don’t mention the above specific timings. I can see why you have a problem with this - why doesn’t he go to bed at like 8pm or something? Have you discussed with him at all?

What time is he going to bed? I get having to be at work early means he would have to go to bed earlier but logically even with this in mind surely he should still be up until after at least the youngest 2 have gone to bed.

Going to bed for example at 8pm and getting up at 4ish gives him roughly 8 hours sleep. No different than any other adult going to bed at 10 and getting up at 6ish.

He goes to bed around 4:30-5pm. Wakes up around 11- midnight. Gets home from work/picking the kids up about 3:30.

Exactly, I've told him to just shift his sleep and get an early night. He tells me how it's far easier to get the stuff done when no one else is awake, well no shit, but we can't just ignore we have 3 children and prefer to do everything in peace and quiet, because wouldn't we all!

Completely opting out of family life and childcare because it suits him. Why has even bothered having a family. Imagine if a woman was behaving like that. Are you home or are the children effectively abandoned until you get there?

Yeah he really needs to get his act together. He’s got three kids. He can go to bed at 8pm and still be well rested. Going to bed at 4:30 just comes across as he doesn’t want to spend time with them, if I was the kid I’d be worried my dad didn’t want to spend time with me. Surely he can see that?

He can still do all the jobs he is doing though earlier in the evening before he goes to be rather than in the middle of the night like everyone else does. You kids are hardly tiny babies and all of an age where they can entertain themselves whilst he does the jobs or help him. I dont understand why he thinks his way makes any sense, doesn't he actually like his children?

What does he do at weekends? If he spends time with them at the weekend then this is just during the week then it sounds similar to many families who's parents work shifts. If at the weekend he doesn't see them at all then I'd be annoyed if I was in your situation.

I mean that would make sense but she literally says he comes home at 3:30… why does he then need to go to bed??? Leaving her to presumably do everything with the kids. When he doesn’t have to. It would be different if he was at work but he’s not…

Exactly, the kids are hardly demanding our attention, if anything, I have to persuade the 14 yo to come out his room! 7 and 9 do like to talk and want you to get involved in stuff but are also perfectly fine playing together/iPad, etc. if you're having to do something, but he just claims it's "much harder and more stressful to get stuff done when everyone is about" but this is family life...

I get home at 5, so sometimes he has already gone up to bed before I'm home.

At the weekend he is fine but he's still going to bed in the late afternoon unless we are out as a family. I get what you're saying and if he was in a job where this had to be how it was, I'd think a bit more fair enough, even if I still found it sad. It's the fact he is actively picking to be this way.

So if he’s going to bed at 5pm and getting up at 11pm he’s only needing 6 hours of sleep a night. So absolutely nothing stopping him from going to bed at 10.30pm and getting up at 4.30am like a normal person would? He’s opting out of family life. He can actually do the stuff round the house and spend time with his children every day. I’d be pissed off at having to spend every evening by myself as well.

Really fucking odd. Loads of people get up at 5 for the commute / go to the gym and then work a normal day. Does he take drugs?

Exactly, I've told him to just shift his sleep and get an early night. He tells me how it's far easier to get the stuff done when no one else is awake, well no shit, but we can't just ignore we have 3 children and prefer to do everything in peace and quiet, because wouldn't we all!

Tell him that you're swapping with him. You'll do what he does at home, and he can do what you do. He'll say no, because your deal is much "worse" than his (per his own description!). Then ask him why he thinks you're the default parent.

I could understand if it was about his sleep pattern (his body clock might make it far easier for him to sleep at the time of day he currently does).

However, as he hasn't even tried to use that excuse, it sounds like he simply wants his time to himself, which seems extremely selfish when he has a family, even if he is using some of that time to do things for them.

Have you ever got up at 2am and gone downstairs? I would. I doubt he's using all that time to do household chores.

He wants to spend his down time on his own, doing whatever that depends upon being alone.

What he doesn't want is to look after his children and spend an evening with you.

If it were me he'd change, or change his address!

Your poor children.

A father who has zero interest in being around them.

Awful.

You can be sure they know it too.

I get up 4.30 to meet friends for a run at 5. I still do all the kid running around and one teen finishes dance after 9, doing a production and she’ll finish that at 10 at night . I still stay up to talk and be with my kids. That’s not a crazy early start.

His work day is not that early it seems very odd to go to be in the middle of the day and be up all night.

His reasoning that it's easier when everyone else is asleep doesn't seem like a great excuse - how much housework is he doing he is probably doing 30 mins of housework and then spending time chilling out doing whatever he wants - it seems odd for him to want to have an opposite day to the rest of you.

If he isn't keen to change could you arrange something for yourself out of the house 1/2 times a week in the early evenings so he has to stay up and do the kids - this would mean he is spending the evening with the kids and may help change his sleeping pattern / habits as well as give you some time to yourself like he has in the middle of the night?

Agree with other posters that he isn't spending 4 hours every night doing housework between midnight and 4am. He's using that time as time for himself - whatever form that takes. Maybe he's just mindlessly scrolling oh his phone or maybe it's porn or maybe he's chatting to someone. Who knows. But he's checking out of spending time with his kids and that's really sad.

I think you need to dig deeper but maybe on the sly at first. As someone else said get up (quietly at 2am) and see what he's doing. How can he justify 'it's easier to get things done' above spending time with his kids!!

Seems a weird way to do it!
My DP starts work at 4am. He’s up at 3. Goes to bed at 8-9pm. Sorted. Not missing out on anything really there apart from evening TV.
Your partner doesn’t need to do what he’s doing.