So unhappy at 36 weeks pregnant - hormones or marriage over?

[snickersicecreampls]

Is it normal to feel like you want to end your marriage at 36 weeks pregnant? I'm struggling to understand if this is hormones or genuinely how I am feeling.

My DH and I have argued a lot the last two weeks, we don't normally.

Generally over his unsupportiveness (he was the same last time as well) - it's like he just doesn't care or notice how heavily pregnant I am and it's just an annoyance to him. I am not exaggerating when I say he shows ZERO interest in how I am feeling, how he can support me etc

There is also a total lack of any physical connection because he doesn't want sex when I am pregnant, but also isn't cuddly/affectionate even when I'm not pregnant but when I am pregnant it is even less so. He will give me a kiss goodbye and a kiss goodnight and that's it. It went back to normal after last DC was born so sure this will be fine but it's upsetting me currently.

My biggest issue is that he refuses to communicate. Our cycle is - we argue, he shouts, imitates me, belittles the way I feel, I cry, he storms off, gives me silent treatment for two days, ignores me if I try to discuss, and then starts acting as if nothing has happened. It's SO unhealthy. It's always been this way and I've just sort of muddled through the last 13 years but it's wearing me down now.

I think we are generally ok and happy but pregnancy really doesn't bode well for our marriage as I feel like he should be extra caring and loving and he in fact goes the other way and distances himself from me (or so it feels).

I just feel really lonely and unloved. To the point that after another row tonight I just thought - what's the point? there is no physical side, he seems to hate me at times, I am certainly not sure he loves me but can't be sure because he refuses to talk to me about all of this, so I have no idea where I stand. I just feel miserable. Im sure it'll all blow over and hormones are playing a part, but im not sure I want this to just keep happening time and time again with no resolution.

I keep thinking how lovely it must be to feel loved and treasured and cared for during late pregnancy. I have never experienced that from my DH. Makes me so sad.

Sorry you say he has belittled you, made you cry and shouts at you etc for 13 years but then in the next sentence you say you ‘think we are generally ok and happy’ - I mean this in the kindest way but ???? That doesn’t sound very happy….

I think you're right @Yellowflowerr .

I think he has a terribly, terribly unhealthy way of arguing - but we don't argue often and outside of those arguments life is very happy and content.

But I'm now starting to wonder if I can live with the unhealthy way he/we disagree, and his total lack of wanting to address and improve it.

How many children have you had with him? I definitely couldn’t live like that I don’t know how you have survived this long to be honest. Your partner should be caring and looking after you - you’re carrying his child!! Any man who treats the mother of their child like that is especially abhorrent

This sounds like quite a miserable relationship for you, it doesnt sound like it's just your hormones given what else you have said. I appreciate that now might not be the time to be making drastic decisions but you deserve love, affection and validation in a partnership and to know that your partner has your back.

My ex was treating me like this during my pregnancy and he then walked out at 34 weeks, blaming me for having changed and not controlling my emotions well enough 🙄. I miss our happy days a lot but I don’t miss being belittled and blamed and criticized constantly. I totally understand that feeling of needing to be cherished and cared for and how devastating it is not to receive it when it’s the main time in your life you know you really need and deserve it. I found that my friends and family have been amazing for me being single and heavily pregnant/with a new baby - when deciding whether to leave or not, have a think about whether you want or expect support from him at the birth or afterwards- will he be helpful or would a friend or parent etc be better? You could also go and stay with a family member, or even a hotel, for a bit of respite now, and well deserved rest (big child will be ok for a few days, or take them with you). Be as selfish as you can - don’t cook, order in, get a cleaner etc etc and if he objects to the cost say you’re only purchasing the support he’s not giving you. Also I found reading men are from mars women are from Venus good advice for planning how to mention and express needs in a way that they listen to (only I read it too late!)

Also, please let the midwives know what’s happening- they give great support and advice

Thanks @Amsooverthis

It's so hard to determine, he's blaming my hormones 100%, he said this evening that he's just pushing through the last 4 weeks and that even if he wanted more children with me he never would as im so 'unbearable' when pregnant.

He blames the lack of affection and care on me apparently being so difficult to be around. I just struggle to see this to be honest, I haven't felt overly hormonal and I'm generally quite a happy person.

We have one DC already, pregnant with #2.

I wonder if you don’t argue often because you’re usually very good at “behaving like the good little wifey” and fixing everything quietly?

However, when you’re pregnant, you can’t because, being pregnant, you rightly need his help/support, but he doesn’t like being bothered by your presence?

@Unexpectedlysinglemum
Wow you sound amazing and so strong. Good for you. I hope you're doing ok.

I think that's what I'm finding hard to swallow. Even when my friends are pregnant I want to look after them and make them feel happy and loved. I don't get an ounce of that from him. He's never been very good at being caring even if I'm sick etc, so not sure why I expected any different.

He also doesn't show any interest in seeing/feeling baby move (he was exactly the same last time). He doesn't do nice things for me, or ask me how I am... but the arguments and lack of communication have really been the cherry on the cake to be honest. It's wearing me down so much.

Is he only like this when you're pregnant?

One of the 3 reasons I decided to leave my ex was his inability to resolve conflict without either 1) being absolutely ridiculous & shouting & screaming ( “right then, fuck it, I’ll just give up my job shall I” for something like me asking for a tiny bit of help! & 2) sulking but then after a few days of sulking, starting talking again like nothing’s happened & nothing is sorted.

There were other anger probs so not the same as your situation.

In your situation, I would be inclined to wait until baby is here, give it a while & see how you feel but I wouldn’t stay in this long term if no improvement.

@Aquamarine1029 I'd say he has been more distant and less caring while I'm pregnant - or, am I just expecting more than normal? It's hard to tell.

His arguing 'style' and the lack of communication has always been this way. I think my tolerance is just MUCH lower for it right now.

@StarDolphins yep sounds very familiar. But it's hard to genuinely contemplate leaving when outside of the rare arguments, life is generally happy and good.

But the conflict resolution is a big deal and im also concerned that I want out DC to learn how to resolve things in a calm and loving way!

Just to be clear, I don’t mean to suggest you’re at fault here for not “being a good little wifey”. I think he is an awful person for how he’s treating you and it’s not “hormones” to expect to be treated with kindness and respect.

@CheekyHusky i think you're right I probably just brush it under the carpet as it's easier and I am pretty easygoing. I just want an easy life!

If I were you, I would tell him very calmly that the next time he goes to shout at you, belittle you, or give you the silent treatment, he can just leave and he won't be welcome back. Say this and mean it. You're allowing this behaviour and it must end before it impacts your children.

this!! I think this is such a thing (definitely resonates with me anyway) - you were probably always doing too much and you just can’t do it when pregnant. I wish these men would ask other men for support or advice like this- if they did they would know it’s normal for pregnant women to need more support and kindness and it doesn’t cost anything

I think we are generally ok and happy

I honestly can't comprehend how you can say that about a relationship with a man who behaves like this:

we argue, he shouts, imitates me, belittles the way I feel, I cry, he storms off, gives me silent treatment for two days, ignores me if I try to discuss, and then starts acting as if nothing has happened.

He treats you with contempt. A decent man who actually cares about you would not behave that way. Presumably you don't want your dc to grow up with this as their relationship model?

@Fairislefandango yep you're right.

It's just difficult isn't it when we argue rarely under normal circumstances- so generally Bob along quite well - I'm always so shocked when we argue and he is so horrible as it's a stark contrast to the person I love and live with day to day. He seems to just be totally unable to control his temper and argue fairly.

Sounds like abuse, OP. He probably doesn't like the fact that your pregnancy is taking away the attention from him.

With all due respect @Aquamarine1029, my exDH was like this. You can't tell these types of men to leave. Mine would've laughed in my face mockingly and asked me how I was going to make him leave? The only way I could end our marriage was by me leaving myself (which is what I did in the end).
OP - I agree with a previous poster. Stick it out for now and then take a view once you've had the baby. His arguing 'style' is vile and allows you no voice. He sounds like a bully. Try to keep strong for your DC and baby.

He imitates and belittles you, shows no affection, and offers no support.

Then blames your hormones for all of this, storms off, and gives you the silent treatment.

This is emotional abuse.

He's cranky because you have needs. He wants your relationship to be a one way street, with you doing the giving and him doing the receiving.

He gets angry when your arguments remind him that you're a separate person, and he punishes you for that.

I'd tell him to shape up or ship out, tbh.

Looking for some advice on post partum hormones I’m one year after having my little girl and struggling with my hormones, binge eating and mood swings, can shift any weight even when exercising and healthy eating - dr keeps trying to get me to go back on birth control tablets which are only making it worse! Can someone recommend any natural supplements?