Ex at funeral

[Treesnbirds]

It's my husbands' mothers funeral next week. I'm dreading it for obvious reasons (and we were really close) but also his ex is going to be there. We haven't crossed paths for many years and to be honest we always got along ok.

My worry is his behaviour- when drunk he can flirt with other women a bit, which I find really difficult. (He's otherwise a brilliant husband and father to our children.)

Part of me thinks if he's going to be a dick just let him be a dick. Rise above it, (I'm pretty sure he'd never do anything, and I expect my stress level says more about my insecurities than anything -what do I do about that?!)

but I know if this situation occurs - which I actually think is quite likely, I know I will feel incredibly stressed and angry on top of an already very stressful and sad day.

Not sure whether to broach it with him beforehand in some way or just prepare what to say at the time if this does happen....?

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Sorry you’re all going through this op and that your mother in law passed. Yes I think you’re right, parents funerals/wakes can be really tough. Why is his ex going? Were they together a long time? Is it the ex going that concerns you or his drinking/flirting?

Sorry for your loss.

Do you really think your husband is likely to be thinking about flirting with his ex at his own mothers funeral? I think this is quite a strange thing to be worrying about to be honest.

Thank you for your kind message @MrsTopaz I think it will be a little stressful seeing her but it's really the possible flirting that I'm not sure how to handle.
He rarely gets drunk, but when he does it often goes this way, so it's the wake that I'm worried about. Just want to look after the children and support him without being extra stressed about this possibility.

I think if I can prepare something to say before or at the time I might feel better?!

@Changingplace well, could you elaborate? As I say, it's a situation I've found myself in many times and this time there will be lots of drink, so I think it's likely. Or do you think I shouldn't worry about flirting if it doesn't amount to anything?

do you think I shouldn't worry about flirting if it doesn't amount to anything?

Yes. The time and place to address it is not his mum's funeral/reception.

@Treesnbirds you should definitely worry, but about this behaviour in general. If he is a type to get drunk at his mum's funeral and flirt with his ex then I would think his behaviour in other situations leaves a lot to be desired.

This is such an extreme situation it should not even cross your mind that he will act this way - if this is realistic, then you have a bigger problem

I’m sorry for your loss OP. I hope all goes well for her funeral but …

It is possible to move around in a group without getting too close to an ex. Just be circumspect and watch out of the corner of your eye where she is in the room and you move in the opposite direction. She might not even come to the wake?

You don’t need to be joined at the hip to your husband. Let him work the room whilst you speak to other people. He is a host so really should stay sober enough to carry that role but if he doesn’t, just let him get on with it.

If he decides to be flirty, let the twit get on with that too. He will be recognised for what he is so bigger fool him. Watch from the sidelines and have a quiet laugh to yourself.

OP - sorry to say, but this sounds so extremely selfish and unfeeling of you.
Your H’s mother has died. And your first main concern is that he might get drunk and flirt with Ex ‘a bit’.
How deeply insecure you must be to think of that. And to think that this is what will be going though you H’s head at the time.

Even the flirtiest of people are unlikely to be putting it on as they are saying goodbye to their mother.

@Whataretheodds Thank you, I'm sure you're right, best to turn a blind eye this time.

If he is the type of person who is likely to hit the self destruct button,and you are feeling highly anxious and trying to scan the horizon for possible threats, stop.

This is not something you can control, funerals can be emotional times and what will happen will happen, all you can manage is your reaction to it.

By that, I mean it's going to be a long day, make sure you have a good sleep the day before, rest drink plenty of water. Have a plan for on the day so you know where your going and when, have a plan for yourself and how you want the day to go for you. If your expected to drink, have a limit in mind, eat anything that soaks up alcohol.

If you're going there to support your husband, do that - but if you keep looking at a crystal ball trying to think of what might happen, you'll wear yourself out and be a wreck on the day just from worry.

It goes against what I'd usually say but I'd be minded to turn a blind eye on the day of his mums funeral.

However it's something I'd be addressing more generally at a more appropriate time in the future as it's not a way id tolerate being treated (ie no mention of the funeral but address the fact you are no longer willing to be disrespected in that way).

@Stratocumulus Thank you, this is helpful advice, like you say I think he will be in hosting mode with his sister. Hopefully it won't occur but your advice is appreciated, I shall just stay back and let him do as he wishes. Thank you.

That's exactly it! Hitting the self destruct button is exactly what I'm worried about. (It has happened before and was hugely stressful).
Thank you so much for this kind advice.

You say you got on well with his ex. Perhaps you could make her an ally? Presumably she does not want her ex coming on to her at a funeral in front of his wife, and might even be dreading it. Could you get into conversation with her, so that your husband sees the two of you as united? Or even start a conversation along the lines of "I'm so sorry if X misbehaves again, you must find it annoying" or "Did you ever have to put up with similar behaviour" and "If he starts playing up again, just come over and chat to me and we'll show a united front".

@hppo Thank you, you're right. It's good to know I'm not being unreasonable in finding it difficult and I guess, yes, it is disrespectful... it's been going on so long I don't think I questioned it. And like I say it's only occasionally.

@80s Thank you, this is an idea. We did used to get on fine. I'm not sure of her situation these days, though I think in the past she was more likely to enjoy the attention. I appreciate your idea though and it could end up working out that way if her life has moved on, as it probably and hopefully for her, has. Thank you.