My DH and I are planning to separate, this has been decided for over a year and we have told close family. We can't formalise due to our current financial situation, so we're still living together but hopefully will be able to rent separate properties in a few months time. Our two DC know we are planning to move but don't yet know about the separation. Everything is amicable between DH and I. Our relationship has always been built on respect and while we both feel sad that things are coming to a natural end we are determined to manage the process as civilly as possible. We will split our assets 50/50 and share custody 50/50.
In the past year DH's brother and sister have, behind my back, been trying to get him to see a lawyer in secret, telling him that he needs to protect himself from me. DH has told them that this is unnecessary and told me about it. To my face they are friendly (though we don't see them often) as though nothing has changed. I haven't told them that I know what they've been doing but I am hurt that they think I might behave unreasonably.
In addition I recently had to establish a parenting boundary with DH's parents. They have a history of overstepping boundaries. I sent a message telling them that what they had done was overstepping, my DH knew and supported my position. They have not responded to me but have sent a message to DH which I haven't seen because he thinks I will be very hurt because they have portrayed me as a bully and have offered help for him to "escape my influence". DH is furious, the air turned blue when he told me about it. I am being very unfairly maligned here, but ILs have a long history of reacting badly to any attempt to call out their controlling behaviour.
I don't think I really care what they think of me, I don't think it will make any difference if I try to set the record straight. But for the sake of my DCs should I keep in contact and keep things civil? Or let DH defend me (he wants to) at the risk of wrecking his already fragile relationships with his family members?