Cheating Girlfriend Advice - Am I mental?

[QfortheLadies]

I am hoping to get some female perspectives on something that is really affecting my relationship right now with my girlfriend - are my worries irrational, mental or completely justified? And what the hell would you do in this scenario?

The first, and most significant thing - my girlfriend is going on a night out with the bloke she cheated on me with. For context, he was one of her "best friends" and they'd hang out a lot. End of last year, they fooled around after a night out when they stayed in a hotel and then again a few weeks later when their friendship group rented an AirBnB for the weekend. She didn't tell me, I found out through Whatsapp messages between them on her laptop and then confronted her. I don't believe anybody else in that friendship group knows. I have chosen to stay with her - giving her another chance.

Now that friendship group is meeting up, and staying away, for a birthday in the group. I have of course expressed how uncomfortable I am with this and naturally, I will never trust her around this bloke again. She told me to speak to a therapist 'If I am ever going to get over this". Am I being mental or am I right to kick up a fuss about this? It really feels like she has zero respect for me and if I was in her shoes, I would not go.

Secondly, she is then going on a group holiday (different group!) with some of her good friends, however her most recent ex-boyfriend from three years ago is going also - they were together around a year, she ended it and he never wanted it to finish. I wasn't invited. Am I also justified to feel worried about this? Given the context above, is this fair at all? Again, upon bringing it up, i was told I should speak to a therapist?

I'm hoping for some female perspectives on this. Am I being a complete mug?

(Btw, therapy is great, I recommend it to all, but I do think i'm being gaslit by being told I should seek it for this).

Thanks,
A bloody confused lad.

Adding to this - I'd never tell her NOT to go to something. I would just hope that given the context of what has recently happened, she might be trying to make my life easier for the time being!

We've been together two and a half years.

Your worries are absolutely justified. She's done you over atleast twice.

If there are no kids involved then why are you bothering with this woman? There are plenty of loyal women out there.

Yes you're being a mug. This relationship has no legs. Are you all quite young? There are plenty of women in the world who won't cheat on you and continue to hang out with the person they cheated with.

She is playing you for a fool.

This is highly abnormal behaviour and very few men would tolerate it as she well knows.

@QfortheLadies Walk away please for your own sanity she is making a fool of you 😢 someone who turns the blame on you is definitely gaslighting you I’m so sorry ♥️

Ugh, what a horrible woman.
Nothing worse than a cheat, get her in the bin and move onto someone who deserves you.

Good grief, op. I'm sorry to say you're allowing yourself to be the poster child for both mugs and doormats.

This woman is an absolute waste of your time. Come on, now. You know this. Get rid of her right now.

Sorry but she is using you. She’s cheated more than once and clearly doesn’t feel guilty. Some people who cheat feel genuinely remorseful and would do anything to build trust in their relationship again. They definitely wouldn’t be blaming their partner and telling them to go to therapy.

You are questioning yourself when in reality you’d tell your friends to leave their partner if they were in the same situation.
It seems like your relationship has been through too much already and your trust in her is gone. She has no respect for you so if I were you, I’d end it with her and not look back.

Look, your boundaries are your (in my opinion perfectly acceptable) boundaries. If you feel someone's behaviour is cold, unempatheric, gaslighting or generally shitty and they seem to have no interest in changing - don't waste time and effort trying to convince thrm of this. Just haul ass out of there.

The first scenario you describe would absolutely not be OK with me. The second scenario would be fine I think...I mean, she dumped him. But I can understand your discomfort considering her past actions.

Did you never ask to ho with her? I mean, it's a holiday....why wouldn't she invite you? I mean, other guys are going so it shouldn't be a problem.

I'd be inclined to say run dude. Her gaslighting is just a total deal breaker imo.

Don't waste your time and energy on a woman who gives you bare minimum. The old saying is true...once a cheat...always a cheat.

She sounds just awful, she has zero respect for you to do it in the first instance nevermind a second time.

You've unfortunately shown her you will forgive her so she can do it again and she will keep doing it.

You sound like a nice bloke, you deserve better!

I wouldn't give someone a second chance. I certainly wouldn't put up either this.

I'd end it.

Dump dump dumpity dump. Looks very much as if she intends to have another fun night with this "best friend". You deserve better.

If it was me, and my boyfriend cheated with a girl and never told me, then continued to hang with her, you bet your bottom dollar I wouldn’t want him going on some trip or even on a night out with them!
Is it worse with alcohol? I know some people really let loose . Are you guys really young? Not saying young people all cheat but, I know when I was younger I was a little unhinged lol.
She should know herself not to go. If she cared about you and was trying to prove to you that she has changed or won’t do this again, she should be making an effort to make it up to you. I’m not saying she should be groveling or anything but she should be more aware of what is going to upset you and maybe avoid those things.
To look at it another way ; this is her friend group. She probably really enjoys spending time with them, it probably isn’t about having feels for this man she cheated with, if she did have, they’d be together outside of friendship hours!
Therapy is all well and good but you’d need the person to work with you. It sounds as though she doesn’t really take cheating as seriously as you do if she’s brushing it off as easily as this. I’d say have a bigger conversation with her about what a healthy relationship looks like to you. I I know you say you don’t want ti tell her stuff outright but really you have to… it’s the only way to get your feelings across and your needs met. If your needs aren’t met, then you know what to do.
you seem very reasonable, hopefully you get the outcome you want here

Yep, you’re being a complete mug. Dump.

come on now…
you deserve better
she needs therapy more than you

You sound like a very compassionate, giving person, op. You deserve to be with someone who appreciates you and treats you with respect in return. You should want this for yourself, not the lies, gaslighting and bullshit this woman is serving up to you.

I didn't even finish reading your OP

She's mugging you off and you're passively letting her

Throw this one back, you deserve better.

Agree with everyone above, she is gaslighting you. You are not being unreasonable, at all.

Thank you to everybody that took the time to reply, I really appreciate it.