Hello, I'm a bit nervous on any forum so hope I can be coherent here. I've been married for 9 years, together 18.
After a few years of huge difficulty I previously made the decision we had to separate but 6 months later we went into lockdown which stalled things. And after that whole period we decided to give it another try. Its not fixable though, I'm unfortunately not happy, and I've been honest about this and we've had lots of huge chats but I've had to say that it's not going to work and I no longer see us as a couple. My husband is devastated but understands our past and why that's the case.
He's asked if we can try to work out some sort of way to keep financial and home stability for the kids (8 and 4), so living under one roof for the time being. I'm not against it if we could as I'm not looking for anyone else and I know other options take time anyway. But I know its unlikely to work longer term, so if either of us feel its not working for us, we will say. I'm trying to get some clear signs of separation though, I'm sleeping in the spare room (i did frequently anyway for medical reasons so this is not new to the children so no explanation needed yet), and have visited friends or exercised for some of the evenings after the kids are asleep. Although I'm happy for us to sit and watch a programme etc of course and relax if we find we can.
My husband has expressed he's finding the sudden change hard, we weren't too affectionate before but he feels its a switch and very cold. I think he's right as it is a switch although there is no bad or nasty behaviour towards him, we just have to carve a different path now, but I think he might want a more gradual change. To be honest I think that's what we're doing as we still live together and do family bits together right now, its very far from an actual separation. We're going to have a chat tomorrow as we are both off work so I will be open and say I know it may be harder for him to come to terms with as its my decision, but yes things do have to change as I'm not sure what the option is - pretend to be as we were before? Why? And what would that achieve? And whilst this is my decision of course if he no longer wants to see if we can coparent under one roof for the time being he has a right to that decision and we will look at options.
This all makes sense to me but I just wondered whether there are opinions about having boundaries like not being in the same bed, no longer giving a kiss goodbye/goodnight etc. Those actions don't feel right or comfortable to me and also feel like I'd feel like I'd be giving mixed messages, which I dont want to do for either of our sakes. The decision to separate is the right one to make but I feel constantly guilty in being the one to be driving the changes (which I know has to happen as its me wanting to separate) and I'm starting to doubt myself and how unreasonable I'm being in the actions so far like moving rooms already etc. Any advice gratefully received. Thank you if you've read this essay.