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Original poster

Low sex drive - is it me?!

15 replies

hppo · 15/05/2023 10:37

So I've been with bf for 9-10 months. He's very physically affectionate, very attentive, always telling me how much he loves me, how happy he is etc.

The only one slight downside is that we don't have sex as often as I'd ideally like and it's not the most adventurous. Saying that I still really enjoy the sex we do have - it's just very "samey" and always in the bed in the bedroom. I'm more used to previous relationships where (in the beginning at least) there's the feeling of needing each other right there and now, wanting to constantly rip each others clothes off etc. BFs brain doesn't seem to work that way despite him telling me how much he fancies me etc.

We're early-mid 40s and he has a couple of minor health issues and suspected autism (not diagnosed).

The rest of the relationship is amazing and the sex we do have is good, so I didn't see this as a massive compromise and overall the positives far outweigh this one negative.

However, the other day I came across his ex on Instagram (snooping - I know i shouldn't). She is absolutely stunning, like super model level looks.

From what he's told me it wasn't a happy relationship overall and they're no longer in touch etc.

However, it's left me with doubts now that he maybe doesn't want sex as often with me as I'm not as physically attractive as his ex.

I'm trying to tell myself that as long as a man finds his gf at least remotely attractive he'd be happy enough to have sex with her even if she's not as hot/sexy as his ex. In your experience does the amount of sex a man wants correspond to how much he finds her physically attractive?

OP posts:
dotdotdotdash · 15/05/2023 11:07

I think you are looking for answers in the wrong place. I would recommend that you sit down with him and tell him your worries and have a proper conversation about it. I know some people find it difficult to talk about sex, but it's one of the important factors in having a good sex life.

Shivvy120 · 15/05/2023 11:37

I know it's tough but don't look at social media - it causes so many issues! I think when we tend to see our current partners ex's we put them on a different Level of attractiveness because we are comparing ourselves to them. He deff fancies you and you don't know what they sex life was like, it could have been less sex than yours. Clearly he fancies you if he's dating you.
I'd sit down & have a convo about your fears & needs & expectations. It would not be wrong of you to ask for this conversation - you need to be happy in your relationship. Could you try to change things up yourself? Like buy some outfits or toys and just surprise him?

Original poster
hppo · 15/05/2023 12:15

dotdotdotdash · 15/05/2023 11:07

I think you are looking for answers in the wrong place. I would recommend that you sit down with him and tell him your worries and have a proper conversation about it. I know some people find it difficult to talk about sex, but it's one of the important factors in having a good sex life.

I've brought it up a couple of times, ie said that the lack of sex is making me wonder if he fancies me. He reassures me he does fancy me but I'm not sure he really understands my view as he says he's happy with our sex life and seems to think it's "normal"

He's autistic which I don't think helps the conversation as he gets really uncomfortable even discussing it but at the same time seems to think everything is 'fine'

I'd def say he has hang ups about sex that I've not experienced in my previous relationships. At one point I've even wondered about home being asexual as it seems to be something he does to please me.

I've been putting this down to being one of his "quirks". I've never been particularly insecure about my looks (not in a big headed way, I'd say I'm average looking but never had significant insecurities). However, now that I've seen his ex I'm wondering if he's used to sleeping with someone on her level of attraction and isn't as turned on by me?

If I ask him about his sex life with previous partners I can't imagine him being particularly up for sharing details as he's really private about previous relationships in general. Mixed with him not being overly communicative around sex probably isn't the best mix.

I've got no doubt he'd reassure me but would he just be telling me what he thinks I want to hear? He's hardly going to say sex with his ex was better cos she was more attractive and they were at it all the time.

Part of me knows he must fancy me if he chooses to be with me. We have no ties, don't live together, doesn't gain from me financially etc so from that pov I think he must be with me because he wants to. However, I also sometimes worry he just sees me as a safe and stable option after his previous exciting, passionate relationships

OP posts:
parietal · 15/05/2023 12:29

the problem isn't just the sex. it is also that you two are not communicating effectively about the sex and about your needs.

if you can't communicate with him, or he can't listen to you, that does not bode well for a long term relationship.

Original poster
hppo · 15/05/2023 14:20

parietal · 15/05/2023 12:29

the problem isn't just the sex. it is also that you two are not communicating effectively about the sex and about your needs.

if you can't communicate with him, or he can't listen to you, that does not bode well for a long term relationship.

We have discussed it a couple of times. Would many guys really turn round to their partner and say they had a higher sex drive with an ex because they were sexier/better looking?

OP posts:
HT56 · 15/05/2023 14:31

No they wouldn’t.

when you say not much sex, what are we taking about. Once a week, once a month, less? Is it always you that instigates?

Original poster
hppo · 15/05/2023 14:44

HT56 · 15/05/2023 14:31

No they wouldn’t.

when you say not much sex, what are we taking about. Once a week, once a month, less? Is it always you that instigates?

Probably once every 2-3 weeks, but even when we just me it was probably once a week. He's the first guy I dated that hadn't been overly eager to sleep together after a few dates. At that point I thought it was a refreshing change and a positive sign.

Tbh I rarely even initiate now as I don't see the point. Maybe I could try more again - I'd actually got used to it and accepted that if it wasn't personal then the overall relationship was more than enough to keep me happy.

It's the fact I'm now doubting myself and thinking that maybe it is personal after all

OP posts:
dotdotdotdash · 15/05/2023 14:49

Him saying things are 'fine' might be him trying to avoid discussing it with you!

I would try to put aside any insecurities you feel about whether he finds you attractive as he has chosen to be with you, as you say.

Autism can entail sensory issues, as well as relational ones, all of which might make sex more difficult. There might be things around sex in general that make him uncomfortable and it's more challenging to fix if he can't talk to you about it. How patient are you willing to be around this, and is it just going to batter your self esteem to live with someone who rarely wants sex and prefers it the same each time?

OneMoreCookieMonster · 15/05/2023 16:09

Could he be harbouring insecurities, but isn't ready to share them?

I know you can't answer on his behalf but it may be a factor

QueefQueen80s · 16/05/2023 10:03

Autistic men in general don't focus on sex as much and many are asexual.
I think you can't have everything in someone. He sounds great in all other aspects, someone with a higher sex drive who takes you in the kitchen and has that magnetic animal appeal has a high chance of being a dick with a wandering eye.

gannett · 16/05/2023 10:29

In your experience does the amount of sex a man wants correspond to how much he finds her physically attractive?

No. I don't think someone's sex drive is something you should take personally. I think most people, men and women, have fairly consistent sex drives between their partners (assuming the chemistry and compatibility is there to start with), though it fluctuates depending on stress levels, age and other factors that aren't actually about one's partner.

You've negatively compared yourself to another woman's appearance but you don't have the first idea what their sex life was like. There's nothing to suggest it was any different to your sex life with him. If you're unhappy about the frequency or the adventurousness that's certainly something you can communicate about, but the issue is between you and him - she has nothing to do with it.

Original poster
hppo · 16/05/2023 10:37

QueefQueen80s · 16/05/2023 10:03

Autistic men in general don't focus on sex as much and many are asexual.
I think you can't have everything in someone. He sounds great in all other aspects, someone with a higher sex drive who takes you in the kitchen and has that magnetic animal appeal has a high chance of being a dick with a wandering eye.

Thank you @QueefQueen80s
This is what I'd been thinking until now. I guess it's just human nature to compare yourself and feel a bit down when you see how stunning your current partners ex is.

It doesn't sound like their overall relationship was the best so im trying to remind myself it's not all about looks.

I've had a fair bit of therapy after my exH cheated and left while I was pregnant (probably like the type of guy you've described above with the wandering eye!!) - it left me feeling like I wasn't enough and not good enough. My own insecurity is that I'm seen as the boring safe option rather than the charismatic, can't take your hands off women that men can get obsessed with. I just can't imagine anyone ever feeling like that about me - clearly my own issues that seeing these pics has brought to the forefront.

If the low sex drive isn't personal then I'm more than happy with the relationship and it more than makes up for it.

OP posts:
Original poster
hppo · 16/05/2023 10:37

gannett · 16/05/2023 10:29

In your experience does the amount of sex a man wants correspond to how much he finds her physically attractive?

No. I don't think someone's sex drive is something you should take personally. I think most people, men and women, have fairly consistent sex drives between their partners (assuming the chemistry and compatibility is there to start with), though it fluctuates depending on stress levels, age and other factors that aren't actually about one's partner.

You've negatively compared yourself to another woman's appearance but you don't have the first idea what their sex life was like. There's nothing to suggest it was any different to your sex life with him. If you're unhappy about the frequency or the adventurousness that's certainly something you can communicate about, but the issue is between you and him - she has nothing to do with it.

@gannett you're so right. Great advice - thank you :-)

OP posts:
Original poster
hppo · 16/05/2023 10:39

OneMoreCookieMonster · 15/05/2023 16:09

Could he be harbouring insecurities, but isn't ready to share them?

I know you can't answer on his behalf but it may be a factor

This would make sense as he's a bit awkward around everything sex related. It seems a complete contradiction to how he is in all areas of his life.

I've never had a DP with autisim so I guess that's an extra dimension too?!

OP posts:
AllAloneInThisHouse · 16/05/2023 10:42

Poor guy!
Not all men are sex obsessed creeps, you know.

It really sounds the problems are your insecurities, not him.

We have no ties, don't live together, doesn't gain from me financially etc so from that pov I think he must be with me because he wants to. However, I also sometimes worry he just sees me as a safe and stable option

Are you usually this paranoid?
You do realize that love and care does exist right?

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