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Original poster

Husband took out a personal loan without telling me

18 replies

Lifeisnevereasy · 15/05/2023 10:21

My husband and I have been having problems for around 2 years now, posted about him before. Basically kissed someone else, we went to counselling and got through it. He's been really off lately and anytime I ask just says he's stressed from work. Anyway we were away for a long weekend and I don't know why but I had a strong feeling he was lying about something so went through his phone. No messages that I could see from other women but found an e-mail about a personal loan agreement. Six weeks ago he had £8000 paid into his bank from a personal loan. He's never mentioned this, we have a joint account and a separate account so he's got it transferred into his personal. I know I need to confront him and I know it's silly but I don't think I can cope with the reasons for it. I really think that's it now, it's just a marriage of lies isn't it? I know I need to go but it's so difficult. It's the old he's a good man, good Dad but I know if that was the case he wouldn't lie. I'll need to tell him now I've looked on his phone also. Really don't know how to deal with this.

OP posts:
PrincessofWellies · 15/05/2023 10:23

You don't need to give him reasons. If its over for you, then it's over. The reasons don't matter. It just gives him an opportunity to try to talk their way out of it. Why bother with all that hassle?

RandyMiceDavies · 15/05/2023 10:26

Yes you need to talk to him about it. Do you have any sense of what's the most likely reason- sex workers, an affair, gambling?

LaurieFairyCake · 15/05/2023 10:26

Hidden debt to pay off ?

Or is it child support for another child?

Both awful Flowers

Original poster
Lifeisnevereasy · 15/05/2023 10:36

It can't be debt, well I suppose I can't be 100% sure. He has his own business which I know does well though he can't take cash out his business account so he must need cash for something. He drinks a fair bit but I can't see he could've spent all that. My mind is in complete overdrive I haven't slept a wink. I have a feeling it could be escorts or something. Never thought of a hidden child but I suppose anything is possible with a liar.

OP posts:
Shivvy120 · 15/05/2023 10:53

You'll have to ask him. Finances when married & how money is spent are things that should be discussed when its a big sum of money at 8K really is!
I don't think you need to explain why you checked his phone. You are his wife & if he has an issue with you going through it then he has something to hide.

PaintedEgg · 15/05/2023 10:59

I was in a similar situation years ago

Husband who have had some issues defining fidelity (caught some evidence of it, I wasn't even bothered to dig deep), and then it came out that he had large debts on credit cards and he couldn't even say what these were for (im sure he knew, just acted dumber than he was - which was an impressive achievement in itself).

Based on this experience - you're 100% right that anything is possible with a liar and there is just no point. You will earn yourself a degree in criminology and forensics trying to figure out his lies, but it's ultimately pointless. He will just keep on doing whatever he is doing and you'll never be happy with him knowing that he will lie if he thinks he can get away with it

AccountantMum · 15/05/2023 11:02

Is it your birthday or big anniversary soon could he be surprising you with a big holiday or new car? Is there anything expensive you really want?

Maybe his business isn't doing as well as you think and he doesn't want to admit it to you so is trying to sort it out before speaking to you?

Ask him - you pretending you haven't looked through his phone is similar to him pretending he hasn't taken a loan out

Original poster
Lifeisnevereasy · 15/05/2023 11:20

No big birthday or anything coming up and I'd never spend anything like that on myself. I will definitely ask him tonight when the children are in bed. I'm preparing myself for an answer I'm not going to like.

OP posts:
Yellowdays · 15/05/2023 11:50

He won't tell you the truth. Why would he?

Original poster
Lifeisnevereasy · 15/05/2023 12:02

He absolutely won't tell the truth, I will be asking to see his bank statements for the bank the money went into. That should tell me, if he refuses to show me then that's absolutely it. 10 years wasted on an absolute liar.

OP posts:
AccountantMum · 15/05/2023 12:06

Does he often lie? If you had one issue and have moved past it why are you sure it's something bad and he is lying?

If I had seen this on my Husbands phone i'd be excited thinking he was planning a massive surprise.

Original poster
Lifeisnevereasy · 15/05/2023 12:10

I can't see that it's not something bad at this point. To take out an £8000 loan and not discuss with me just screams it's not for anything great. It's for something he doesn't want me to know about surely? What exciting thing could it be? We have everything we need/want so I doubt it can be that.

OP posts:
TiredOfCleaning · 15/05/2023 12:16

My first thought was he might be gambling?

very best of luck. Thanks

ChiefPearlClutcher · 15/05/2023 12:18

gambling
or maybe the business is not doing as well as you think.
sorry, sounds really tough.

Original poster
Lifeisnevereasy · 15/05/2023 12:32

I think he will say it's the business not doing well. Though I know that's not the case, I see how busy he is. He employs other people and I know what goes into the business account. I'm not believing that if that's the line he chooses to use. I'm sure I'll get some crap story later. I will ask him tonight when the kids are in bed. Don't want anything kicking off when they are around.

OP posts:
Usernamemustcontainspecialcharacters · 07/03/2025 09:04

Just wanted some opinions on this matter
my fiance and I have been engaged for over 3 years now we have a two year old together. He is in so much debt like credit cards etc (apparently his ex kept taking them out) I know this is bullshit but I cba arguing over it he told me that when I first met him. Anyways he has twins with his ex who he pays maintenance to they are 18 he pays over 700 to them. He took a credit card out not long ago for 500 quid and didn’t mention it to me as we pay all the bills together I’ve had to pick up our gas and electric bill which they want 500 quid a month for I’m a Stay at home mum on benefits I do t get much as they look at his wage and work out what I’m due. I pay council tax, water bill and pay everything when it comes to our two year old including food clothes etc she is on a two year waiting list for SEN too so it’s hard I must add. Anyways yesterday he’s gone and taken out another 5000 loan yesterday not even mentioned anything to me my daughter was watching YouTube on his phone and the email came through at the top and she was trying to swipe it but clicked onto it so I had a read not going to lie. What do I do? I don’t want to argue as every time I say something to him he takes it the wrong way and it ends in a argument

Girlmom35 · 07/03/2025 10:29

Usernamemustcontainspecialcharacters · 07/03/2025 09:04

Just wanted some opinions on this matter
my fiance and I have been engaged for over 3 years now we have a two year old together. He is in so much debt like credit cards etc (apparently his ex kept taking them out) I know this is bullshit but I cba arguing over it he told me that when I first met him. Anyways he has twins with his ex who he pays maintenance to they are 18 he pays over 700 to them. He took a credit card out not long ago for 500 quid and didn’t mention it to me as we pay all the bills together I’ve had to pick up our gas and electric bill which they want 500 quid a month for I’m a Stay at home mum on benefits I do t get much as they look at his wage and work out what I’m due. I pay council tax, water bill and pay everything when it comes to our two year old including food clothes etc she is on a two year waiting list for SEN too so it’s hard I must add. Anyways yesterday he’s gone and taken out another 5000 loan yesterday not even mentioned anything to me my daughter was watching YouTube on his phone and the email came through at the top and she was trying to swipe it but clicked onto it so I had a read not going to lie. What do I do? I don’t want to argue as every time I say something to him he takes it the wrong way and it ends in a argument

You should start your own thread.
You'll get more/better responses there than piggybacking someone elses thread.

Usernamemustcontainspecialcharacters · 07/03/2025 10:38

It was a mistake I’ve never posted before I don’t know how to delete it

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