Dealing with a narcissist is there actually a way to deal with them?

[rasberrybubbles]

Sorry this is long, know people say the word narcissist is overused on here. But my mum matches the description of this and nothing else compares.
I am trying to deal with the aftermath of sticking up for myself (finally!)

I finally said that I wasn't going to put up with her abuse anymore, she replied saying fine she doesn't want to speak to me ever again. After this conversation, she rang up every member of my family, then moved onto dh family and said I was evil nasty, that I had been physically abusive had threatened her so many times she hopes she can never see me again and finally live her life in peace.

All utterly ridiculous accusations, I've never threatened anyone except that day when I said she needs to stop her abuse of me and stop backing up my siblings abuse of me or else I would report it to the police next time because some of the abuse was physical and I was injured several times and still have scars from the abuse (I have never fought back at all)

Anyway. Because to the outside world my mum was always giving family money, being super kind all while treating me like dirt, some family members believed her. backed up with my siblings agreeing that it was all me and I had caused so much trouble.

Is it worth me trying to say something to relatives that it isn't true or will it simply result in my mum ramping up further nasty accusations. Some of the accusations have reached my work place as I live in a small town too.

I'm fed up with it all. It's caused me so much stress. I probably need to learn to let it go but I am so angry she's getting away with it all as well. She will literally never pay for the way she's treated me. I've lost my whole family over this. And worse can't even walk down the street not knowing who else they've spoken to because it's a small town and gossip travels fast.

You are better off without out her step away from it, mine has just done this to me for pointing out her behaviour and repeating her words back to her ( took until I was 50 to be brave enough) she is not replying to my nasty message ( the one reminding her or what she did!) and is never contacting me again although they’d only until she forgets and then starts texting me telling me all about her.

Well, her going no contact with you sounds like a win. For you!

I don't think getting into a fight with other family members is the way forward and don't forget that narcissistic and/or abusive people are very good at manipulating the world around them. I would absolutely say something, but not make any effort to really convince them on the basis that if they believe her, having them in your life is probably not going to be helpful.

eg, "I'm sorry to hear that you believe what my mother has been saying. I have scars etc to prove her behaviour but ultimately, I can't force you to believe me over her. I wish you all the best but I'm sure you understand I cannot maintain a relationship with people who think I'm abusive."

Oh gosh, I am so very sorry that you have to deal with this. She sounds very similar to my mil who is a classic narcissist and throw around wild accusations against people who have slighted her. She is a very dangerous, manipulative woman. There is no reasoning with her but over the years I have fortunately seen the wool fall from other family members eyes as to her true character. It could be worth discussing your difficulties with your line manager if the accusations have reached your work place. It could be worth speaking quietly to certain family members that you trust about the situation. So sorry you are going through this, it must be very upsetting. I’ve seen my DH almost destroyed by his mothers actions over the years, he now focuses on our little family but her behaviours still upset him.

Yes I am so so relieved that her reaction was 'I'm going nc'

However she has now said it was me that has gone nc and she's been left so damaged after all my terrible actions 🙄

I would like to say my piece and if my relatives don't believe me that's that. But I think I'd feel better knowing I've said something. Worst bit is she's now gaining extra attention due to 'being the victim'

Hopefully now you're out of her way she'll turn her attention to her next victim so at least they, or maybe a few, will realise her lies about you were lies. There will already be those who know just what she's like but they need to keep her onside to protect themselves. Beware of flying monkeys.

I'd recommend having a scroll through Dr Ramani on YouTube's videos, there will be at least one to suit your situation.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, it's shite

Yes, I completely understand this desire. Unfortunately, if you try too hard, you're actually just feeding her narcissism and it will allow her to play the victim even more. It's an incredibly vicious cycle.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to say your piece to other people but try to keep your expectations low. One saying that I think comes out a LOT in these situations and which I wish had never been invented is "where there's smoke there's fire". Narcissistic and abusive personalities use this hugely in their favour because "normal" people find it so hard to believe that they are being 100% outright lied to (and, to be fair, because their thinking is so disordered, I suspect the narcissist genuinely does believe whatever BS they're spouting so from their perspective, they're NOT lying).

So you might find that family members don't blame you 100% but they'll adopt the equally irritating, "well, there's fault on both sides" without realising that this is a huge part of our these personalities manipulate and control their victims - by shining a huge light on any small fault and making it seem like it's the same as whatever they're doing.

If it's any consolation, eventually, over time, if you are no longer available to be her victim she will turn on other people and things will change. But it takes a long time.

exBIL cannot understand why all of SIL's extended family and friends and even some of his have "turned" on him. He truly thinks that she has somehow turned them against him. When what really happened is that as she stopped letting him abuse her, as part of his attempt to get back control he started by trying to tell people all kinds of lies about her. This didn't work so well because people had SEEN his behaviour vs hers and also because in his desperation, he over egged it. Then, the less and less effective it was, the more he ridiculous he got. At last count, he is actually blocked by at least 4 people, including his oldest friend. But according to him, it's ALL her.....

Not a lot of consolation, but maybe a little?!

I’m so sorry @rasberrybubbles it is so difficult when the mask drops and you realise what is going on. It is so normal when you grow up surrounded by narcissistic people not to be able to see the water around you.

Really all you can do is protect yourself and your children.

I think that how you deal with it really is by finding out where it affecting you and your personality (typically in one of a few predictable ways with:

codependency traits/feeling responsible for everybody around you and fixing things by ignoring your own needs, or with some (fawn type of trauma response)

narcissistic traits - image focus, selfish, superiority etc or (fight type of trauma response)

alternatively you can get complete lost in the whole thing with a freeze type of trauma response

or you can realise it is wrong and just get out of the way whenever possible which is the flight type trauma response.

or really any combination of the above response

It is really the about shifting the focus back to trying to work through the issues this has brought up for you instead of trying to fix anything outside yourself.

It is not an easy time so you need to treat it like the significant bereavement it is and be very kind to yourself.

Thanks I think it does make sense logically to just step away and accept I've lost my whole family to this.

I hate that it looks like I have done the things she is saying. I also very much hate that she not only got away with it but is actively using the situation for further victimhood and all there is to gain with that! In hindsight I'm not even sure I'd bother sticking up for myself. I've lost so much and am so stressed.

Narcissists don’t have any kind of relationship with themselves and they are plagued by toxic shame. They also only engage in very superficial, very curated, very managed relationships with others which is actually a very draining experience for them and everyone around them eventually because they are completely 100% dependent on other people for their emotional resources and validation and they wear out people around them and experience the push back in that constantly over time.

They have absolutely no internal support system for themselves, that link is broken in them. The playing victim is all about getting that validation they need because they lack that internal support system and their need for it is the same as your need for oxygen. It is actually a shit way to live. There is no winner around a narcissist especially not themselves no matter how they present in life, look at Donald Trump, the permanent victimisation is exhausting for them.

Thanks @Fiddlededeefiddlededoh such a shame people like this exist. Effectively walking around ruining peoples lives with no consequences other than what they have to personally live with.

No outside consequence meaning people like me have to suffer for the rest of their lives. The loss of my entire family feels a heavy price to pay when my mum is carrying in her 'normal' I honestly wish i had reported her physical violence towards me so someone could see what she's doing! But I didn't and it's too late now.

The loss of my entire family feels a heavy price to pay

Is it really your entire family? I ask because you might be surprised. eg, if your MUM is the one telling you that she's told everyone about your behaviour and how awful they all think you are, it is worth checking on this for yourself. As I said, the chances are that yes, many people will think that, at the very least, there's blame on both sides, but there are likely to be people who see this more clearly.

But, if you have been painted a certain way and nothing you do can change that, it's a heavy blow but if you can accept it you can move on with your life. I have spent years trying to convince my brother that I am NOT the person he thinks I am. I have stopped trying now because it doesn't matter what I do, he will never ever see any of it. It is sad but I feel a lot less stressed about it.

Mine has twice told me she isn’t going to contact me so I have left her to it, although she has told other people I am not speaking to her. They won’t recognise the truth only their version I spent my childhood getting the silent treatment, used to buy her presents in the Hope age would be pleased and start talking to me that never worked. Am not pandering to it any more life is too short

So sorry you're going through this. It's tough. Cutting contact us a good move and probably best for your mental health. You're out of it now and away from the narcissism. Good for you x

@OhBling I have no extra family my dads side as he is an only dc and I have no grandparents. On my mums side I have one aunt who still texts me out of 6 uncles and aunts! As PP have said now that I've called my mum out people have gone quiet no doubt too scared to say something. I no longer get invited to family parties and it's like I don't exist. I have not said anything so far other than my mum asked me to go nc not the other way around. They know. They are choosing to side with her probably out of fear she'll do something to them. But I've lost out because now my dc don't see them. And my dc won't know that side of the family.

I have also lost friends who can't believe what I'm saying. When I told them I've suffered physical violence from my mum they act in disbelief because I've never mentioned it. They've said I don't know what to say your mum seems so nice and you've never said anything before etc
I can see why they think maybe I'm lying but I am not and it hurts very much to feel this way.

So far I haven't done anything really except try to move on. But I am finding it very very difficult knowing she'd gotten away with ruining someone else's life. And it's also awkward because so many people also say 'but it's ya mum' as if that makes it all better and I can make things up with her and basically accusing me of being stubborn and not letting things lie. When it's just not the case.

@rasberrybubbles I get it, I really do. I think you might have to accept this but I would suggest a few things:

If you have specific aunts/uncles/cousins you were close to, can you contact them directly? In my experience, people have an annoying habit of taking what they think is the easy route even though a) it's not and b) it causes mores stress. eg they don't invite you as they don't know who to believe and it's easier just to leave you out because unlike your mum, you don't make a fuss. So, contact one side of the family. Tell them you're upset about the lies your mum is telling. Say you don't want to lose your relationship with your family and can you arrange an event with them because of course your DC love them etc. Suggest a day out or a specific thing, without the broader family or your mum. As necessary, avoid any discussion of your mum/your relationship.

Obviously, this only works if they are ambivalent/uncomfortable arguing with your mum etc and not if they've decided you're the devil incarnate. But I'm inclined to say it's the former. And let's not forget that the narcissist will NEVER politely bow out but will push themselves into any event, often overruling others which will have made it that much harder for anyone to include you etc.

[the narcissist in our lives still somehow manages to bulldoze their way into a lot of events.... even though these are with people who aren't their friends or family. It's mind-blowing. But most people don't want to be rude and/or confrontational. I imagine it's 10x more complex in your situation where these ARE your mum's family]

It is so bloody unfair @rasberrybubbles and I don’t doubt you about losing the extended family. To a certain extent I’m in that boat and I certainly was when I first went nc. It feels incredibly unfair and I know certainly I felt very betrayed that my family had done that but actually a decent period of time has passed and a few people have started coming back to me and frankly they are the people I would like best in the family anyway.

The problem with a person developing severe narcissistic tendencies is that it is hugely environmental so what you find is that it permeates in other directions in families so while it is extremely painful to deal with actually these people who are telling you who they are and you should listen to them.

“these people who are telling you who they are and you should listen to them.”

I should have clarified by these people I mean people who will not take on board what you have experienced not people who are open to it but don’t have the tools to do it yet.

What a horrible, unfair thing to happen

I think you could contact those you would still like a relationship with and tell them you are upset and disappointed in the lies your Mum is telling about you; that she chose to go non-contact when you called her out on her abuse and that you would still like to see them and you love them.

It may or may not work, but you will have got it out there and it won't have any worse effect than doing nothing and losing them anyway

Is it definitely too late to report the physical abuse if you have scars? Would you want to, or not?

One thing to consider is that a narcissist always needs someone to bully. Now it will no longer be you, she may turn on someone else in the family and they will then see the situation more clearly

Very, very glad you will no longer be in contact with her - you deserve better

@jackstini yes it's too late. I am left with some lovely scars all over my body from various beatings with various items. the most recent ones being scars on my hands from her pinching chunks of skin out because I put my hands up to defend myself, she pinched my hands instead. Things like I flushed the loo once when the doorbell rang and she wasn't planning to open the door, so because someone would hear we were in and she'd 'have to now open the door' I got a beating.
I think I could maybe show my relatives the scars and if they still don't want to know leave it at that.

I will have to move on. I suppose I know this is true. I think the fact she's apparently getting away with it all is what hurts the most. But being bitter is not helping me either.

You are very brave and strong to be trying to move on.
Showing some trusted family the scars and then walking away if they don't believe you sounds like a good boundary

Your mum is a really nasty and cruel piece of work - keep your distance now that you have it

I hear you @rasberrybubbles . It's horrible being the victim of a narcissist. And as you say, it doesn't go away once you are no longer in touch with them, the hurt and injustice stay with you. And unless someone has experienced it, as we are all aware, it's very difficult to comprehend; and then you get the people who say how few narcissists there actually are and it's an overused word and you just have to get over it and move on. Oh yeah, thanks, I hadn't thought of that arsehole . If it was that easy then we would just do it, wouldn't we. Nobody wants to feel the way we do.

I have found writing down events and my resulting feelings (well they're usually just swear words really 😅) has helped.

Have you had any medical treatment for your injuries? If not I would certainly ask your GP to note them the next time you're there. It never does any harm to have an official record of these things.

Narcissistic people like a game. It’s only a game if two people play it, so don’t play. Don’t get in contact with anyone , don’t try to openly deny the allegations - simply go nc and leave it all. She will eventually contradict herself, spiral and get nasty with other people (who will then understand what you have been through) and she will tie her lies in knots that she can’t get out of. Let her do that. Don’t play along and give her the satisfaction. The best revenge is success, so throw your energy in rising about this and celebrate moving on !