Opening communication with toxic grandparents? Advice please? What would you say?

[Fallenleaves94]

There is a lot to the story but I would just like to know what would you do or suggest? So my partner has two kids from a previous relationship who his ex doesn’t allow to see due to jealousy and bitterness of moving on but my partners parents adored them kids they were kids from a girl in his culture whereas I’m the same religion but a diff ethnicity and much more western so here we go so we moved from our city to a diff one spontaneously but when I found out I was pregnant we moved back and into house to be closer to family so our baby can have his grandparents etc and his mom wasn’t happy about it as she didn’t want a baby that was not from her culture to be born there so sold the house and made us homeless a month before I gave birth, before selling the house (I had no bump until 7mo) she would ask my partner if his sure that I’m even pregnant and must be faking it. She and my partner have the worst relationship as she let her brothers beat him as a child and just was a horrible mother but because my partner saw her to be a good gran is why he had given her the chance but she did that. She also suggested abortion to me on 2 occasions after the false pregnancy accusations. So we had to move out and a month later I gave birth no one from my partners side not his mom or dad accepted or even asked about our baby as he is only half their ethnicity. My partner asked me to reach out to his dad to come visit as my partner was away and said his dad will support when I did ask his dad his dad wasn’t up for seeing his grandchild. At that point I told my partner fuck these lot my baby doesn’t need them. Now our little one is 10 months and my partner is concerned as he doesn’t speak to his parents but doesn’t want our little one once little one starts asking questions to think it’s ok to be on bad terms with your parents. As we don’t want to lie to our child when he asks about my partners parents. But my partner is afraid it’ll be a thing where it’s normalised so our child can one day feel like it’s ok to not speak to me or will lose the sacredness of what a mother is. And as much my partner hates his mom and doesn’t speak to his dad or his mom his trying to fight for our baby to have his grandad in his life and maybe opening communication with his mom so our baby can have FaceTime relationship with her just so our baby never misses out and doesn’t feel he wasn’t good enough or doesn’t think it’s ok to not speak to parents. What do you all think?

Me and my partner are very much against the idea but we don’t want to burst our babys bubble about how the world is a hateful place or that he wasn’t good enough or for him to grow up thinking if mom is annoying it’s ok for me to not speak to her his trying to protect my relationship with our little boy.

My partner has asked me if there’s any way we can explain to our little boy as to why my partners mom isn’t in his life without showing him people are horrible just so we then don’t have to have any communication for him with her but we can’t get to an answer for that hence why we think we should maybe open communication. Does anyone have any suggestions?

If you are in the UK then your partner's ex cannot simply decide not to "allow" him contact with his children. I'll bet there is way, way more to that story than you've been told (at the very, very least he could have self represented in court - why on earth is he fighting for his newest child to have a relationship with his toxic parents but not fighting to see his own children?).

Me and my partner are very much against the idea but we don’t want to burst our babys bubble about how the world is a hateful place or that he wasn’t good enough or for him to grow up thinking if mom is annoying it’s ok for me to not speak to her his trying to protect my relationship with our little boy.

This bit is also completely bizarre - your husband is effectively threatening you that if you don't expose your child to his toxic parents then your child will grow up and cut you off. Your relationship with your own child does not need "protecting" by his father. Many, many children do not have a relationship with toxic grandparents. It teaches them good boundaries and that abuse is not to be tolerated. It doesn't teach them to cut off their mothers for being annoying.

How many people do you have in your life that you can talk to honestly about the things your partner says?

Just don't have a relationship with her. Your child will not care about a random relative that he/she has never met, nor feel any sort of lose of them. Children are really only caused pain and damage by toxic people who are allowed into their lives.

My dc have no grandfathers - they both died when dh and I were teenagers. They have seen photos of them, and we do tell them some stories about them. But honestly, they aren't bothered, have never really asked much about them, don't go around saying 'oh I wish I had a grandad like everyone else' (actually lots of children do not have any grandparents around them at all, and very few that we know have all 4 of them).

But my dc (or at least my older one) did have a granny (my mum) in her life for about 7 years. Then unfortunately due to some poor life choices that created safeguarding issues for my and other children in the family, we have had to cut any ties with her. My eldest does feel a lot of pain at this loss, because she knows very well that her granny abandoned her, placed her own selfish needs above a relationship with her grandchildren, actively chose not to ever see her again (we've offered many solutions that would allow her to work towards having a relationship with them again - she refuses all of them as she's too wrapped up in her own toxic situation). That has been really difficult. Not because she doesn't have a granny in her life, but because she knows that her granny has actively rejected her and also put her in danger. She is not remotely bothered by the other grandparents she never met.

Similarly, I didn't ever really meet my grandad on my dad's side. He was alive, but largely in and out of psychiatric hospitals. And we very rarely saw my granny on that side either. I don't really even think about it. Never missed them or thought of them as a child. Didn't really want to spend any time with them. It wasn't a big deal. It won't be for your dc either. You're very much overthinking it. Just surround them with people who love them and keep them safe from people who will cause them damage. That's all you really need to do.

He can apply for contact, seems a bit convenient, does he pay child support ?

Your child doesn’t need an awful grandparent in his life but as they say the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

I only met one GP, two were dead by the time I was born and one lived back in my Fathers home country and my family were too poor to send me to meet her.

Okay maybe I haven’t been clear the one from his previous the child isn’t even biological so he can’t go court. His ex was sleeping with someone else at the time but also was with my partner. And he knew there was a possibility the child wouldn’t be his but he raised him as his own and loved him whole heartedly and still does up until today I see the pain he feels but he can’t go to court as once they broke up and he moved on eventually and we were having our baby she told him the boy was not his and she let him and everyone else believe he was due to her coming from a Muslim family and everyone knowing my partner was her other half so she could not say it was not his and it was a easier life as the boys dad wasn’t financially stable to support her so it was easier to tell my partner it’s his child.

the way I see it there are two separate issues:

1. did you partner ever do a DNA test? Is he sure the baby is not biologically his? Is this also a case legally (ie. is he legally recognised as this child's father?). This story barely makes sense - in most cases you cannot just claim someone is baby's father and then change your mind - there are legal procedure involved. Unless the whole story is a lie, he is the child's dad and it's just convenient for him to believe otherwise. If he truly wants to have that relationship he could go to court and it would be her who would need to prove she has initially lied and is now telling the truth.
2. Neither you nor your partner can fix the fact that your baby's grandparents are not interested in having a relationship with their grandchild. I completely understand his concerns, and there is probably some faint desire to reunite with his parents (a lot of adults who were abused by children deep down crave a relationship that was never there, because everyone wants to have a loving mum and dad). He could probably use some therapy to discuss his relationship with his parents and fears associated with his relationship with his children.