Tips to start grey stoning abusive ex through final divorce stages

[Fullofdoubtsme]

Hi
So long story short 1,5 year ago I told my abusive ex I wanted a divorce. I knew something was wrong but didnt recognise it as emotional abusive, coercive control back then.
Since then I've learned a lot. Applied for divorce and managed to buy him out of my house so he bought a house, and last steps are for him to move out of fam home and sign consent order.
Problem is he refuses to do both as his last attempt to hold on to me. He became hugely dependant on me due to our toxic dynamic of me appeasing to his tantrums to keep peace and even if he has since started taking antidepressants and working, he is still very afraid of having to do "life".
I stopped feeling guilt or responsibility for him, and even if I still feel sad for him for not seeking to improve, if not for me and kids, for his own happiness, I understand I cannot control that and it's not for me to "fix".
So recently as he refused to give me my room back (I'd been sleeping at sofa for over 1 year), I decided to move to his house, which is very much liveable. He says won't move until he does refurbs and makes it "perfect" but won't make it happen, and if I pressure him, he just slows down further. Refuses to sign consent order as says I must be hiding money even if I gave him more tha his 50% share already. I have always been the breadwinner and guess he just thought he had life sorted using me for everything (including sex when I didnt want, I felt abused more than once as if I didnt give in I'd face silent treatments etc)
Anyway I'm finally ready to get a solicitor up his, and finalise divorce while starting court proceedings to get clean break and occupation order/non mol to get back to my house, BUT I have a 16 and a 14 yo and my eldest is doing his GCSEs so I feel I need to wait until he finishes that as can't risk him disrupting things further to hurt me and affecting his performance.
So now I have this one month to trial gray stonning him and reducing contact in preparation for that final step.
I'm already avoiding him as much as possible (whereas before I was desperate to engage, try to be friendly in the hope he'd change and work with me towards an amicable end), but think just looking for some encouragement on how to respond when he provokes me. Also I dont want to keep being "the maid" around house, if he is there with kids and cat he should look after them and buy food etc, but he has already pressured me to do it, "if I'd let kids starve" whatever... I said kids can come eat with me at his house.
He told me before wanted me out of his life, for me to die and all usual abuse, so I'm giving him what he asked (minus dying!) but it's so hard not to feel triggered by him. He guilt trips me on stupid little things and I need strength to endure this month for my kids, now that I finally came to terms with fact I was emotionally abused and once physically abused by him (day I handed over divorce notice). I know now it was not my fault and I should stop feeling stupid or weak or embarrassed for it, and finally seeked legal help, but any suggestions are welcome.

He has his own house? And is refusing yo leave yours?

Go back to yours and get an occupation order stop pandering to him

Have you bought him out already so he has no stake in the family home? If so, kick him out. If he refuses to leave, call the police as he has no right to be there

Just tell him he has until your DSs last exam to move out, and that until such time, he is sleeping on the sofa. If you have to, put a lock on your bedroom door - that room should be your sanctuary.
Then sit down, draw up a rota - when each of you are responsible for feeding the kids / cleaning rota / shopping rota etc. Once this is clarified, then you will have little need to speak to him.

You can get an occupation order very quickly. You can do that yourself. Forms are on the Gov.uk website. Fuck this, who does he think he is? Get the order and call the police if he won't go. I wouldn't be waiting because in a months time there will be something else. He's not going to be homeless, he's just controlling the entire narrative.

Have you had support from Women's Aid or a similar DV charity to deal with this tool? They will have had a lot of experience with this type of stalling behaviour. Is your solicitor on the case already? They could be helping you with this too, although it will cost it will be money well spent, rather than overpaying dicky what he's not due.

You are still giving in to his abuse and control. You are trying to protect your kids but as teenagers they probably see it. Do you want your kids to think living like you do is normal?
The house is yours go to solicitor or get the police he doesn’t own the house so get him out. He will never leave as long as you let him stay there. He will find more and more things to stay for. Bite the bullet you have done well divorcing him get this step done. Then have a lovely settled home life without him in it.

Please apply for an occupation order ASAP

Then change the locks

your kids are old enough to organise their own contact

but if he is abusive to them you may find they don’t want to see him so you could block his number from their phone

Thanks all. Yes I spoke to womans aid and solicitors.
Womans aid said I need to be careful not to trigger him into escalating into something more dangerous so if I feel leaving house is a win as at least I'm not under same roof, take it. Both said waiting for gcse seems sensible and to try to reduce engagement with him as much as I can.
Solicitors said getting an emergency occupation order could be heavy handed if I want to spare me and kids of stress but when they notify him of court proceedings they'll inform of OO and give him a deadline to leave.
I still want to avoid calling police as we have no fam or close friends around for support and it would undeniably add stress to kids at an important phase. Simply trying to reason a rota or claiming my room back is not realistic. He wouldn't engage or accept and it would just mean I am stressed and unable to work.
Yes kids do see whats happening and are aware of what I'm trying to do. They support me into going legal etc so it's just a matter of taking careful steps. At least time I took was good to show them I tried EVERYTHING for things to end well and even my youngest who at the beginning was feeling sorry for dad and somewhat blaming me for not giving a second chance, now recognises the abuse and said he is chosing this path and being childish.
I feel like I accomplished much already even if from the outside doesnt seem much. I'm protecting myself and kids, not him. Being out of his reach is another step into freedom and I just feel need to be strong for this month. There's a chance he will slowly get used to my absense and indiference, and even envy that I'm "freeer" at his house then I would at mine and then want to speed things up (basic reverse psychology, he only agreed to be bought out of house when I said I'd find a place of my own and then he said no, he wanted that 🙄).

I'd live in fear if I changed locks and called police. His anger and entitlement to hurt me would only grow and realistically for someone who feels they have nothing to lose a paper saying they cant approach me is useless. He can hurt us before we can do anything. I need to consider catastrophe to take careful steps. What I have now is 2000% better than what I had 1,5 year ago. It is not enough so will keep moving but it's not simple to get out. Woman's aid said themselves that I need to do what I feel is safe and even they said emotional abuse isn't guarantee of a restraining order and that only lasts 6 months so I feel I need to learn to wear the sheep skin for a change and be strategic/cold but also realistic? Kids are better in house now I'm out as there is less reason for him to abuse them as it was usually linked to him wanting to control me...
Its a horrible situation...

So did you buy him the house without it being ordered by a judge?

does he work?

does he spend your money or does he have his own?

Yes I bought him out as he agreed so we split assets 50/50. Solicitors looked at all I did and my paperwork for joint consent order I drafted and said I did all right. That its unusal situation as to go to court now seems stupid as everything is done, theres nothing to discuss so hopefully when he sees will just spend money for the inevitable of what he already agreed to, he will move/sign. I dont know.
He now is working and I closed joint account. I'm paying for my house bills and he is paying for his.

What a spiteful, despicable pathetic excuse for a man he is!!

God I don’t know how you haven’t locked him out, chucked his stuff out the window or better still cut it all up and delivered it to his new place!!!!

At least he has a job

Are you at risk of harm from him?

You know you can apply for that occupation order yourself

I can’t understand if your solicitor is fighting your corner why she is delaying hitting him with this occupation order!!

I mean why on earth would they be worried about upsetting him!!

I think they just want your money

@Quitelikeit yes he's horrible and it's mind-boggling how we get into these situations thinking we were doing what was best for the family... I know it's crazy.

Anyway I really dont know about how at risk I am. He was physically violent once when I gave him divorce papers almost 1 year ago but he had just started working and taking antidepressants. I'm not making an excuse but just part of me hopes he's better a bit. He never again hinted at hitting me and I did call the police on him once when he was being hugely unreasonable early on the process so I think he knows he risks going to jail.

However that line was crossed and whenever I try to push him to finalise things he said will never do anything on my time/terms again and I dont want to push someone who feels has nothing to lose over the edge. As he is extremely agressive in words, asking "why wont I die" and been suicidal before (or so he says), I just need to consider the possibility he would be violent again.

Solicitors did say I could apply myself and did say we could start all now. I just honestly want to handover all this to someone else now as if we go legal just prefer to have someone else speak to him on my behalf even if it costs me loads. My mental health is worth more. I juggle multiple jobs and need to function, not add yet more burocracy and deadlines and stress on myself.

Being alone at his house is allowing me for some space and peace I haven't had in a long time and maybe I want to use this time to make myself stronger to face the next storm that's coming after gcse. Learn how to gray stone him as I never did this, was always dragged in and eventually trying to appease and comfort him to get back to calm. So I must learn this, and he must learn I'm capable of this, ignoring and not interacting with him, for that to happen.

As I said there may be a psychological effect of him wanting to speed things eventually if I stop chasing him for a bit and show that I'm better off at his house then under his control. Houses are only a short walk away so I see kids everyday and go back to my house whenever he's at work to be with kids and dog, and kids stay with me at his house sometimes too (he never stopped them).

Thank you so much btw for all you are posting...

I mean why on earth would they be worried about upsetting him!!

Because he has the potential to physically harm the OP. This is the most dangerous time for the victim of an abuser. We need to do whatever we can to keep ourselves safe. Even if he has 'only' been emotionally abusive until now he can very easily 'lose control' (even if his actions are later found to have been meticulously planned). A useful read is Jane Monckton Smith's In Control.

Best to keep things as calm as possible @Fullofdoubtsme and do not give him any benefit of doubt how much risk you are at from him. Hopefully not but the more protected you and your children are the better. Are you still in touch with WA? I think you'd benefit from having support from them until you are on the other side.

If you’ve moved out of the family home is he now not the RP? Could/would he put in an application for CMS and just decide to stay where he is while you pay him maintenance?

Yes op you can’t out a price on your health

I didn’t realise he was a risk in that regard

to grey rock is to nod and be civil - even when he’s talking take your kid off elsewhere

I’m routing for you op

and get a ring doorbell fitted once he goes please!

Thanks @AntoniaMacaronia yes. I will call them again, i did twice already and was so so helpful.

Solicitors think theres no risk of him saying RP as tbh if he tries I have plenty to expose the abuse (started gathering evidence, have audios and pics of when he hurt me and sadly my son witnessed some) and I see them everyday, get them off to school, go to my house whenever he isnt there, they stay with me in his house sometimes and I pay all their costs. The house is in.my name and he has his. Even if he did that, he'd still have to do it from his house (which has space for kids too). Though they wouldn't want to be with him, he cannot support them alone and does nothing in the house.

@Quitelikeit thanks, yes I need one, do you mean those cameras at door? I was thinking of some.sort of panic button too, I dont know! When he goes mental he take off phones and locks doors and thretens not to leave or call anyone so it's so difficult.

Anyway I'm confident in my plan for now and need to.learn to stop engaging with him.

It sounds like you're going in the right direction @Fullofdoubtsme . Never forget that everything he does will be to get a reaction from you which he will use against you. Never trust anything he says or does, apart from threats, take heed of them.

I appreciate there are GCSEs to think about but why would you leave your kids? If he won’t move out them get the kids to move with you to his house. Don’t leave them with him

@Tinkerbyebye my house has all their stuff and he hasnt finished his master bedroom so only have kids room now which I'm using. It's ok for a weekend sleepover, one son gets sofa etc but as houses are so close by, we can walk between them easily enough.
I am spending plenty of time with kids as he works shifts so make the most of it.
He's not talking to me properly and pretty much ignoring the whole situation, it's pathetic.
I guess he doesn't know what to make of it because I would normally be nagging him to do something, sign divorce papers or whatever...
I am thinking of asking a friend to maybe come stay with me when I hand the solicitors notice after gcse... need to think if there's anyone :(
I

Exams started yesterday here and run until the 21st June. (GCSEs in England)

I absolutely admire what you are attempting to do for your son and his exams. If you can keep things calm throughout that period it will help him. (Do let your kids know though that it is a fixed time period and plans are afoot so that doesn't add to their stress.)

There is no reason why - as long as you are all safe - to not take your time and get your ducks in a row for action immediately after exams. It sounds as though you have the funds to set the lawyers to do what they need to do to get things sorted out. I am looking forward to hearing that you have gained an occupation order and booted his sorry ass out of your home at the end June. Perhaps your son can help redecorate once his exams are over!

Hi, I think I’m in a similar situation. We have a rental property in the same street as our home. My STBXH spent 6 months telling me he would move out when the tenants left.

Tenants left, but he then told me he wouldn’t move in until we had signed financial order. We had by then spent 9months living in the same house, and I couldn’t take any more of his rages, bullying and haranguing so I moved out. We don’t have any children living at home.

I have been doing all I can to grey rock him. When I moved out he still found reasons to email, text and visit me. He uses the workshop in the garage next to the rental.I completely understand your wish to not antagonise him by calling the police or getting an OO.

I just stopped answering his emails and texts, unless absolutely necessary. Anything to do with the divorce must go through solicitors. Gradually he has started to get the message, it’s taken about 3/4 months from when I moved out. He is still sending me texts, but unless they need a yes/no answer I don’t respond.

I don’t know if you feel the same, but I used to feel that I had to be polite (I know), so I’d he did something like come to my door with something from the house (eg bird seed and bird feeders - which I didn’t want) I would feel the need to thank him. I don’t any more.

Although the situation isn’t great, the bliss and peace I feel just not being in the same space as him is absolutely worth it.

I hope you manage it. Take care.