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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Abusive partner

6 replies

Oddoneoutx · 15/05/2023 07:28

i need some advice or just to write this somewhere even if just one person reads it.

background - I moved in with partner into his house with his dogs. He works from home. I work but am only out with my job for a few hours a day. I’ve lived with him for 2 years. he has no children and is in his 40s

I feel like I’m going mad!
i don’t recognise myself anymore.
I try so hard to do everything right by him. Cool nice meals, I don’t disagree with him, I do what he asks. I’m always honest with him about anything. I prove things when he doesn’t believe me like who I’m talking to etc where I’ve been. (It’s not all the time just once a week he’ll get a bit insecure)

but he’s a very negative guy. Always pointing out what’s wrong with the world. What’s wrong with other people. it’s draining.
he believes he is an emotionally intelligent guy and can read people after studying (on his phone) various labels.

I am a narcissist in his eyes. I’m called that a lot.
whatever I do or say is wrong. And if I get upset or break down I’m a cry baby.
everything could be nice one minute laying down together watching tv and he says something so I turn to look at him and he’ll accuse me of giving him an evil look and tell me he’s fed up of my ways.
no matter what I say he never believes me as he’s never wrong.

he accuses me of saying things I didn’t say and no matter what I say it just makes things worse and he says he can’t cope with my narcissistic ways.

I take the dogs out nearly everyday for him. Take them vets etc. I do what I can just to do the right thing.

hes a very messy guy. I can’t keep on top of it because it’s all his stuff and he doesn’t like not knowing where his stuff is, clothes, tools etc.
so I try and keep it folded or neat. But he comes the next day and throws everything around looking for something and leaves it back to a mess.
if I don’t do dishes once he has a go and says he’s always cleaning up after me and he’s getting sick of it.

if I do try and stick up for myself he will video record me on his phone and say it’s for his own protection.

I go out hiking a lot with the dogs. Just to get away and be on my own. The dogs and I will sit by a river and it’s just nice. It’s my escape.

he always says I said things when I didn’t. And he’s adamant and asks me how I can’t remember.

i don’t really have conversations with him and just generally say yes no or ok cool etc when he talks about himself as then I can’t say anything wrong or give the wrong opinion.

I have no where to go. I have no money or no one to go to.

OP posts:
soddingspiderseason · 15/05/2023 07:47

I'm so sorry you're going through this. This is abusive behaviour and you need to get out and away from him as soon as possible. Speak to your GP, another trusted health professional or a domestic abuse helpline and ask for help to leave an abusive relationship. He is controlling and gaslighting you. It won't get better, and his behaviour will escalate. I've been in a relationship like this and you need to leave asap. It will be bloody difficult but your well-being is the most important thing. Ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life feeling this way? Good luck xx

DustyLee123 · 15/05/2023 07:49

Where did you live before you moved in with him ?
Sounds like you need to start with a full time job.

atcrossroad · 15/05/2023 07:52

Please call

refuge.org.uk

www.womensaid.org.uk

They will be able to help you.

I am so sorry you are having to go through this.

Oddoneoutx · 15/05/2023 07:56

DustyLee123 · 15/05/2023 07:49

Where did you live before you moved in with him ?
Sounds like you need to start with a full time job.

I’ve got a full time job but it doesn’t pay great but it’s the most I can get atm.
I work from home and In community. Before I rented a beautiful town house close to the beach which I gave up to move in with him. I pay half towards the hills now. I can’t get my own place as don’t have enough saved for deposit or first months rent.

OP posts:
Naunet · 15/05/2023 08:09

Can your parents or other family help you either by letting you stay with them or lending you a deposit? You need to get away from him, he’s a nasty piece of work.

I have to ask, and I mean this gently, why did you move in with a man and immediately demote yourself to his skivvy? Never do that again, it’s not a woman’s job to run around after a man, and you’re just demonstrating that (you think) you’re not worthy of respect. You pay half the bills, but do all the cooking and cleaning for him? Just must know that’s not right?

Takeabreather23 · 26/07/2023 08:42

@Oddoneoutx hi I’ve just came across this post how are you ?
have you manage to leave or seek help

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