Should we separate

[lolasandy]

I wrote a really long post about this last night then thought, why am I posting about this on a forum, and deleted it. I think I just need some outside views though.

DH works long hours. Retail. Doesn't have set shifts on a rota as he is senior, but in retail senior doesn't mean paid well.

He likes to get to work at 6.30 to be ahead of things. Often gets back 6-6.30. Works 15 mins away so not a big commute.

We have 2 preschool DC both at nursery a couple of days. I work 4 extended days.

I do all drop off and pick ups. A relative has them one day. He has them another day when I work as he works all weekend.

He has very little to do with upkeep of house, garden, life admin. I do everything as well as having the kids 3 days a week (the 3 days I don't work) on my own.

I'm so fed up. His work days are so long which conversely mean my days a long a difficult getting the kids ready by myself and often to bed at the other end of the day.

He doesn't get paid by the hour or overtime. He just says the job demands this level of commitment. Apparently I don't understand. I did used to work in the sector and it is demanding which is why I moved. But I knew people who were parents and they had boundaries.

I have to have really strict boundaries at work, I do my extended hours just to the minute as I have to do the drop off and pick up. Other colleagues of mine work longer and I always feel a bit guilty but at the end of the day I do what I'm paid for and I have no choice. Why can't he develop that approach?

Apologies if this is a bit all over the place. We've had the argument about the above for the last few years since we first had DC. Nothing ever changes as he can't see a problem.

Maybe when I was on mat leave it was ok for me to be left 'holding the baby' but now Im back at work too. Im not career minded and wouldn't work or would work less if we could afford it but we only just get by. My salary is similar to his btw. Except I work only my hours. I WFH 2 days and in office 2 days.

It's not just about work though. His hours mean we have no weekends, no family time, no time to maintain the house. Just nothing. Im so fed up. Family have started to comment that he's never here and those that help me have started to feel begrudged they are here frequently and he is not. I don't think he's ever going to change. I start to feel embarrassed about telling others how much he works because it's so ridiculous and he isn't a high flying or important (like a surgeon) type job.

I look at others who have normal family lives and I'm so jealous. I wanted a partner and we're not really anything any more. We never see each other. I don't think there is anyone else involved. He is genuinely just at work.

To all of this he just says nobody understands his job and the demands and I have unrealistic expectations of him. I have talked about wanting to separate as I feel like a single parent and he doesn't put up a fight.

It's just all very sad.

@ItsNotWhatItsNot yes I completely agree, which is why I am seriously thinking about separating. There is no example of a loving partnership there. It's not in any way abusive of negative as such, but he's just never here for them to see. Sometimes DC asks if daddy sleeps at work which is an understandable question when she doesn't see him for days on end.

Literally one time I worked late in January on the day that he has them, as I has a meeting with one of the directors at my company. I didn't see DC before they went to bed and I felt terrible. It's one of the only times he's put them to bed solo. Now I know that men probably feel it differently to women but I don't know how he doesn't feel guilty when not seeing them for days on end. When he's around them he gushes about them but it's started to irritate me more than anything and I want to make catty comments like 'if you love them so much get home earlier' but obviously wouldn't in front of DC.

Part of me wants to get on with a more rounded life myself to show him he's missing out on normal life. Like organise a hobby on an evening after they've gone to bed or see a friend. I never do these things because I'd feel guilty and he doesn't do anything like this so I feel if I started going out and doing things in evenings he'd make out I have it 'Cushy' what am I moaning about. As if by him watching a baby monitor it would match what I have to do whilst he's at work.

In part of all of this I feel sorry for him like he's forgotten what a balanced life even is.

@80s that's interesting. I keep thinking it will be even harder for me if we separate but maybe it wont, as it will remove the constant stress snd disappointment.

Depends, though. My children were older so I was able to do things alone sometimes.
But if he's not there, you might for instance organise regular childcare one evening a week, or he might have a regular day - and hey presto, you have a reliable day when you're not waiting for him to come back from work at an unknown hour.

I never do these things because I'd feel guilty and he doesn't do anything like this so I feel if I started going out and doing things in evenings he'd make out I have it 'Cushy' what am I moaning about.
But this sounds like proving you're right is more important to you than enjoying life.
If you are going to leave then it is well worth building up a circle of active friendships and hobbies beforehand. He probably thinks you have it cushy now. Let him be wrong.
If the kids are in bed asleep there's nothing to feel guilty about. You're accusing him of having no work-life balance; don't martyr yourself too. It's not a competition to see who has less fun.

You're still focussing on him, OP. It should be solely about your wants and needs, and those of your kids. Give him as much consideration he gives you.

Oh, I know this deadbeat would not be parenting his kids when his marriage officially ends. (There is no relationship now), but OP could push for 50/50 and if he fails to step up he'll have to pay maintenance. How on earth could your life be harder without this overnight guest adding to your load, disappointing your and failing his kids?