Still alone and still missing out

TeaandLemonDrizzle · 2023-05-15T05:24:21+00:00

Hello, 51 year old female here. Ended my 23 year marriage 2.5 years ago as I'd had enough of the fact we were nothing more than friends. I wasn't attracted to him. End of. Awful, but true and I suppose the age gap, for me, was an issue in the end (11 years) plus the fact that I'd (a) not had much experience when I was younger and (b) he was as passionate as a log 🪵. He never showed me any affection either. Chemistry wasn't there (sexually) and the marriage drifted into a sexless one (double figures)!!! I got frustrated in the end. That closeness feeling wasn’t there etc. I have a pretty busy life with work and I am doing a Masters degree at home. Two teens. One moving to university in September (currently on a gap year), the other 3 years behind him. She has big plans!! I’m going to be alone! I can see it. All of my close family have passed over, including my siblings (one to suicide). I was the youngest. I've tried OLD for a year. Getting nowhere. Had a few dates and nothing has come of them. Same men on Bumble, Hinge and Tinder. I'm bored with it. I delete the apps, go back and delete again. Any advice? I'm fairly attractive for my age and am sooooo passionate (would like to be). So sad and down about it. Fed up of waking up at night alone and want a cuddle etc. Feel so lonely!!!

SpringIntoChaos · 15/05/2023 07:08

No advice...but know how you feel. I'm 58 and I've been on my own for 17 years now. I actually can't believe that it's been that long to be honest...I naively thought (in my head at the time) that I'd have five years or so on my own 'to do my own thing' then meet someone lovely. I met 'people' (men) but none of them were 'lovely enough' - and here I still am 🤷‍♀️

Honestly? It's not that bad, and I would rather be on my own than compromise, or even worse, be with a complete arsewipe!

Keep living your best life lovely 🥂

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 15/05/2023 07:19

What do you do for fun? You mention work, kids and studying - but do you manage some time for a hobby?

I think there’s a risk here that you’re linking your future happiness with a potential relationship that may not happen. I’d put more time now into activities that you enjoy and if a relationship happens, great. Take control of your own happiness, don’t wait for someone else to supply it.

xfan · 15/05/2023 09:18

At least you managed to get children with him, that's a huge factor. How did you manage to stay that long? Or was having children a massive factor in staying in a relationship which made you miserable? Not much advice, it's tough out there. It is a lot easier when younger as the life "milestones" of cohabiting/marriage/children is something that most 20/30 somethings aspire to in some shape or form. Most of my friends part 40 report that men available for dating are not worth their time so they've decided on FWB.

ringsaglitter · 15/05/2023 09:27

xfan · 15/05/2023 09:18

At least you managed to get children with him, that's a huge factor. How did you manage to stay that long? Or was having children a massive factor in staying in a relationship which made you miserable? Not much advice, it's tough out there. It is a lot easier when younger as the life "milestones" of cohabiting/marriage/children is something that most 20/30 somethings aspire to in some shape or form. Most of my friends part 40 report that men available for dating are not worth their time so they've decided on FWB.

Yeah I've heard the same about men post 40. Also, that they tend to be searching for younger women, so they tend to gloss over actually some really great relatipship candidates tbh because of age.

Life's a bit funny, you never know what's going to happen, but I wouldn't wait out for a relatipship now you're 51. x

Deathbyfluffy · 15/05/2023 09:33

ringsaglitter · 15/05/2023 09:27

Yeah I've heard the same about men post 40. Also, that they tend to be searching for younger women, so they tend to gloss over actually some really great relatipship candidates tbh because of age.

Life's a bit funny, you never know what's going to happen, but I wouldn't wait out for a relatipship now you're 51. x

Show quote history

One of my closest male friends is 44 and dating again post divorce - he said a lot of the women he’s dated are incredibly ‘judgey’.

I did wonder what he meant, and from this thread I think I understand 😅
For the record, he’s a lovely guy and worth anyone’s time. His wife ran off with a younger man.

Original poster

TeaandLemonDrizzle · 15/05/2023 12:04

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 15/05/2023 07:19

What do you do for fun? You mention work, kids and studying - but do you manage some time for a hobby?

I think there’s a risk here that you’re linking your future happiness with a potential relationship that may not happen. I’d put more time now into activities that you enjoy and if a relationship happens, great. Take control of your own happiness, don’t wait for someone else to supply it.

Not much time for hobbies as I’m either working, studying or doing childcare (although this is easing now my daughter is older).

OP posts:

Original poster

TeaandLemonDrizzle · 15/05/2023 12:05

SpringIntoChaos · 15/05/2023 07:08

No advice...but know how you feel. I'm 58 and I've been on my own for 17 years now. I actually can't believe that it's been that long to be honest...I naively thought (in my head at the time) that I'd have five years or so on my own 'to do my own thing' then meet someone lovely. I met 'people' (men) but none of them were 'lovely enough' - and here I still am 🤷‍♀️

Honestly? It's not that bad, and I would rather be on my own than compromise, or even worse, be with a complete arsewipe!

Keep living your best life lovely 🥂

I’m finding it tough to think I’ll end up alone. It’s awful.

OP posts:

Shivvy120 · 15/05/2023 14:20

You won't end up alone... But you'll need to try to meet someone maybe! My friends in their 30s have issues with dating. They find it incredibly hard to meet people... unless they actually try. One guy met a girl through work, another online dating, another two through hobbies....
Online dating can be a bit of a hassle. I think sometimes more hassle than is worth but nonetheless enjoy the chatting and the dates!
Time to catch up with your friends, could you meet more people that way? Maybe they know someone who'd be just perfect for you?

xfan · 15/05/2023 15:53

Shivvy120 · 15/05/2023 14:20

You won't end up alone... But you'll need to try to meet someone maybe! My friends in their 30s have issues with dating. They find it incredibly hard to meet people... unless they actually try. One guy met a girl through work, another online dating, another two through hobbies....
Online dating can be a bit of a hassle. I think sometimes more hassle than is worth but nonetheless enjoy the chatting and the dates!
Time to catch up with your friends, could you meet more people that way? Maybe they know someone who'd be just perfect for you?

It's nothing to do with trying - there is no meritocracy to the process - the harder you try, the more effort you put in , you will reap the rewards. Most people get together...well not through the apps.... school, university, work, hobbies etc did they have to try particularly hard? I doubt it. Just sort of understand your market value so to speak is important too. Many people settle too, as the thought of ending up alone is more scary than sleeping with someone you don't actually find that attractive. You value the company more than other romantic attributes, that's if they have any. It's the biggest taboo in society, is to admit that you've settled, sometimes you can't even admit it yourself to yourself nevermind anyone else!