Anyone experienced their depressed husband becoming enraged with you?

[Helpots]

Trying to process my marital breakdown in my head - H left 7 weeks ago following a tumultuous 8 months during which his MH deteriorated to the point where he was verbally abusive, kept telling me he wanted to leave but then changing his mind, then started to self-harm in front of me before it then started getting physical. He’s also damaged the walls and a door.

I’m no Angel and have retaliated at times with harsh words and when he’s started to push, shove and intimidate me, I’ve hit him to protect myself. He’s a foot taller than me and has taken to pushing his face in mine and jabbing me.

he’s got a lifetime of baggage from his birth, issues with his mum and bio dad, he’s always had identity problems which his mum refuses to address.

his mum once again upset him in July and we discussed him going to counselling with a view to him confronting her and asking for the answers he’s always needed. Anyway, he starts counselling, then in august shouts at me that he no longer wants to continue with the fertility treatment we’d been planning (TTC 8 years) and this is where it’s all gone tits up.

He never confronted his mum until recently (although I don’t know whether to believe him that he actually has), he’s gone back to her home, he’s holed up in her spare room. He’s told me he no longer loves me and wants a divorce, we’re deffo over. His problems with his mum have magically resolved after 45 years apparently

he’s in contact with my DD (aged 20) as he’s raised her since she was 7. Whenever I try to speak to him about DD, ask him to consider our marriage or about the house, I cannot describe the level of his projection of vitriol and anger towards me. He swears, pushes, screams at me, isn’t lucid, now tells me that I’m the cause of his MH problems and he’s much better now (spoke with his mum and DD, both have told me he’s in a bad place still). He’s blocked my number, accused me of harassment after I sent him 2 emails, and yesterday when DD told him I was in a terrible state, he mouthed at me to ‘fuck off’ when he picked her up and when I tried to speak to him, he locked his car door and was shouting ‘I’m scared of you’ - it’s him who has been improper towards me, I’ve been on eggshells for years. He’s making out that I’m abusive when he’s been the instigator

he then made DD stay at home last night (she was supposed to be staying out) as he didn’t want me on my own after seeing how upset I’d been?! He insisted on picking her up from work at 1am to bring her back.

I can’t get my head round why he hates me so much - he’s always called me the names that he wants to call his mum but darent and I feel that I’m now the vessel for all of the rage and anger he’s had inside him all of his life.

anyone else experienced anything like this? Do they come back to being themselves in the end? If he hadn’t left, I think I would have ended up injured but I’m in mourning for my once loving husband

I've been here and it's shit. My much loved husband of 13 years had some kind of a breakdown and was fairly clearly loosing the plot. Suddenly decided he hated me and I was impossible to live with. He'd always had issues with his dad who then died suddenly ten years previously. One of the worst things he said to me was that he hated me more than his dad. I'm not perfect but I didn't do anything to deserve the hate and vitriol I got. It then transpired that he was having an affair with a much younger woman who was a client of our business. I never thought he would do that as his dad was a serial cheat and it was part of the reason he hated him so much. He tells me I drove him to it and never cared about him. We've been separated two years and starting to divorce now. I love and miss him still despite it all. He tells me he wants to be best friends (even though I'm the worst person to walk the earth according to him) but I can't as talking to him hurts too much. No advice I'm afraid but my deepest sympathies and you aren't alone.

Wow @FloraMillie I can relate to this so much, so sorry you've had to go through this too.

I found out by accident 3 years ago that my H bio dad has passed away, he's never really spoken about him but I knew this caused him issues. So I was left with the responsibility of telling him and it's at that point his mum has refused to give him the answers he so very much needs (he's not seen him since he was about 7).

I can't believe that the man I've loved is now unable to look at me without spewing venom at me - are we the victims of these people's Eff Ups?!

When it all blew up I found out from his mum that he'd had depressive episodes dating back to his teens. He hated his dad so much (I always thought a bit unfairly but would never have said so, he was a bit of a prick but not that bad). With hindsight he'd had episodes in the past of our relationship and was never content with his life but had fixed it by getting a new job, starting a new hobby etc etc he was chasing happiness but never seemed to appreciate that things don't make you happy it needs to come from within. And his dad was his scapegoat. When he died and he could no longer blame him for everything it would seem the scapegoat became me as the closest person. Then he turned 40 which increased his dissatisfaction with life, OW started showering him with attention and the whole thing just blew up. Sad thing is we had a good marriage were happy and went through a lot together. I know he loved me which makes it harder to take

@FloraMillie its so sad. I really don’t think there’s another OW involved, I think he’s had a huge breakdown - that’s the only way I can rationalise it. He’s like a tightly coiled spring, hates the world, hates people. He’s now chosen a life of sitting in his mums box room with boxes of his belongings rather than try and work at family life. I’m so very sad and anxious and worry about him but need to focus on myself.

how long did it take for your H to even start talking to you again?

i’m just in disbelief that someone I’ve shared 13 years with could cut me out of their life and have so much hatred for me

I have experienced something similar too. My ex always had a difficult relationship with his mother but was too scared to confront her. After our son was born it really hit him how awful his childhood was. I think looking at how vulnerable and helpless our child was made him realise how cruel his mother had been. Sadly he wasn't willing to confront her and so all that repressed anger and hate got transferred on to me. He became obsessed with the belief that I was going to hurt our son. He became emotionally abusive, I walked on eggshells all the time, fearful that he would explode with anger. We had joint counselling and I realised he was never going to put in the work to change. Six years later he has tried different counsellors but as soon as they touch on his relationship with his mother he quits. He is never going to change.

Apologies @NoMumLeftBehindLiz , I’ve not been on here for a few days. So sorry to hear this. How are you doing? Like me, do you feel like a victim of your MIL/H’s poor relationship?

My H is now living at his mums and telling me that I’m responsible for all of his problems, not his mum. He seems to forget that he’s spent 13 years getting upset to me about her

Are you sure there's no other woman? A family members ex partner with the same background became depressed suddenly, blamed them wouldn't compromise for counselling and pretty much spent less time at home.

It did turn out they had been having an affair as they moved straight in with the new partner when they left and thought the best way was to blame and gaslight their ex without acknowledging they'd moved in with someone else and the whole "I'm depressed" thing.

At first I was always hopeful it would get better. When I realised it was never going to improve the loss was huge, it felt like grief, grieving the life I had planned, grieving the loss of a partner, the loss of my home, the 'ideal' family for my son. I cried myself to sleep every night. Eventually something switched in me and I got angry. Angry that he wasn't prepared to commit to counselling and make changes for us. Strangely I never felt angry towards his mum, she was also a product of an unhappy childhood and I felt sorry for her but I was angry with him because he could have fought for us but he chose not to.
Nowadays I feel much stronger. I am planning and living a different life than the one I originally had but in many ways it is better. I can see my friends and family more (he didn't like me doing this), I can live in a much nicer neighbourhood (he wanted to live in a pricey but unfriendly area) and thankfully my son is happier.
Do you think you are still hopeful he will come back? I wonder if I had to lose hope and get angry before I started to stand up for myself and move forward.

@NoMumLeftBehindLiz again, apologies for delayed response. I’m going through so much right now and a thread I started last week caused my MH to spiral. I’m now on AD, I need to get myself right.

met with him on Sunday, it was beyond awful, my dad had to mediate between us. I’ve begged him again not to give up on us, to try counselling. He’s having none of it, he’s done with the marriage, justified telling me that he loved me all throughout the 8 months breakdown as ‘wanting to keep the peace.’ I know it’s over and was a bit more myself yesterday but as expected, ‘hope’ is creeping back in today and I feel overwhelmed, can’t stop thinking and googling ways to get him to come back.

i had a session with a MH nurse yesterday, who made me feel better. Today I just want my H and my life back. When will it sink in with me?

No need to apologise at all, I can only imagine how hard this is for you so please don’t worry about replying.

It’s impossible to predict when or what is going to help you move on but it sounds to me like you are doing everything right. You are seeking help from professionals and talking to family about how you are feeling. I found talking to my counsellor (for a year I might add) very helpful. Towards the end I wondered if my counsellor was getting frustrated with me because I still hadn’t left him (although had been saying I would for months). She was a brilliant counsellor so never showed me any frustration but sometimes would gently suggest it was time to stop talking and start taking action!

The episode that made me get angry was when I saw how his behaviour affected my son. One evening our son (aged about 5) was angry with me for telling him to stop playing with his food and so called upstairs to his father “daddy, mummy is hurting me”. Without any question at all I heard my ex call back “right I’m coming down now to sort her out”. I realised that it was not just my life that was miserable but that our child would eventually look back on a toxic relationship that he was starting to get dragged into. I suppose I couldn’t get angry for me but I got angry for him.

Another thing that helped was accepting what my counsellor said about me not being able to help him. Like accepting I was the last person on earth who could “save him”. I just didn’t have the skills. I had to make my peace with that first as well.

Looking back I still can’t believe it took me so long to leave/stand up for myself. But I know 100% that there was nothing else I could have done (or anyone else could have done) to make that moment come quicker. I wouldn’t put pressure on yourself to move on. You need time to either grieve or process what is happening first. Allow yourself that time. It’s a cliche but be kind to yourself.