Tips for moving past divorce grief?

[WTF202333]

STBXH left me about a year ago, we were together 20 years. 6 months later, he has a new girlfriend, maybe she was the OW, who knows.

Divorce process and financial remedy is underway - he has made things as awkward as possible. I have three DC which I have 100% of the time - he’s not interested in a schedule, just wants to take them here and there when it suits him.

Im struggling on a practical, emotional and financial basis. The new girlfriend seems to have taken over my ‘quite nice life’ the ex in-laws are doing the things with her that they used to do with me, my DC seem to have been forgotten and hers have been brought into the family.

I’m sad, grieving and maybe somewhat bitter, but trying to keep my head down and get through divorce. Hoping to move from the family home later this year, so I think that will help me move on.

Any tips for getting past the grief? I have a big ball of resentment in my stomach every morning and I need to get past it…..

Oh god op. That all sounds very difficult.

You were together a very long time and he's behaved horribly. No wonder you're grieving and feeling better. It's completely normal and understandable.

It will take a bit of Time to come back from this. In the meantime do as many lovely things as you can, talk to your friends, get counselling if you can. Journal if you can't.

How old are your kids?

It's a horrible shitty thing to go through but you will get thru the other side.

Thank you. The DC are 12,13 and 15. They are struggling too.

He seems to be off loving his best life and I have been left with all of the responsibility - it’s hard.

I’m hurt that my Mother in Law has cast me aside. I knew it was bound to happen, but we were good friends and I’ve genuinely done nothing wrong. I’m grieving for people left, right and centre and some days I just hate everyone - I don’t want to feel like this anymore, it’s taking over my life.

I had similar happen to me, it is awful at the time. I thought I would never get over it. I promise you will, it just takes time. I really recommend counselling if you can afford it, it really helped me. Getting your own house will also really help as well as establishing new fun routines. I'm now happy and glad it worked out how it did and feel little resentment anymore

Get the childcare arrangements formalised and agreed. He doesn't get to just have them now and then, he is their father and needs to be there for them. I think that getting that sorted would help a lot including giving you more time to yourself and work on your life after the divorce.

@Eleganz he won’t agree to any arrangements. I’ve asked him and requested this through solicitors but he says they are teenagers and don’t need a routine (then blames me when they don’t want to see him at the drop of a hat)
Its bloody hard work 😓

Oh honey. I completely empathise. I was married for 20 years before I discovered the bastard cheating.

It hurts doesn't it, when you've been wronged, yet you're the one picking up the pieces for the kids, having to put them all back together while you're trying to put you back together to. Meanwhile, the in laws forget you were a significant part of their life for such a long time. Plus you see your children, their grandchildren, being forgotten in all their pain.

I can honestly say time is your friend. Finding a kind FWB really helped me have the adult time I needed. Keep being strong for your children as they process the crap their dad, who was no doubt the apple of their eye, is putting them through.

You want to punch them in the face for living their best life...reality is, I'd rather be living the painful life with my children than having no contact with them and doing such self indulgent things.

So my advice is to focus on your children and supporting them through. And let time do what it does best...it really does get better the longer it's passed, I promise.

All the best.

Hi I understand how it feels, it’s difficult going through a divorce. I can’t imagine how much more difficult it would be with your ex-partner getting into another relationship.
After my relationship ended, I decided to focus on myself. I cried it out and then decided to build myself back up. I started the process of loving myself again. Read this, it might help you on your journey to making yourself feel a little better about the situation.
https://iamlip.com/falling-in-love-with-yourself-after-divorce/

You do know as teenagers if they say they don't want to go they do not have to go to him. English courts will not force a rational thinking teen anymore to a parent they don't wish to see. The problem is they see dad swanning off leaving mum and them behind and right now they will probably be upset and cross and hiding a lot inside. I wouldn't be forcing my children to see a parent from a teen age if they didn't wish to. They may want to once time goes by and a little healing occurs but it sounds like they want to be around mum because she loves them and is the stable one in the family for them.Im so sorry your going thru this. Me and my 3 siblings went thru something similar also. We refused to go to dad's once he left and mum didn't force us or persuade us either. He tried to get a judge to force us and the judge said it was entirely our choice if we wanted to see him not his so he didn't get any backing from court. I think if mum had coerced us we would have ended up angry and confused at 2 sets of parent then. But mum became our stable relationship and now we are all adults with families of our own and we love our mum to bits still. Occasionally we see our dad but nobody is close with him anymore and he doesn't exactly go out of his way to make a relationship unless it's always on his terms which none of us agree with now.