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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Cheated on…

19 replies

Harveybelle · 14/05/2023 18:40

Hey...
so a few years back my other half messaged a girl from work. Sexual stuff. It was before our wedding and our son was small so I let it slide.
Two years later someone told me about it and an apparent other girl (without knowing I already knew about the first) but I had no proof.
This weekend - curiosity got the better of me as I saw a message on his phone from a girl whilst he was asleep. It turns out there were suggestive messages to two girls and there and then I was done. This morning I confronted him and he admitted having sex with one.

I can't forgive this. He wants to save the marriage. But now he's away for a week visiting his parents so we have space. He knows it's the end but he also suffers with being really low and down. Part of me feels bad that he could feel like this. I guess I'll always care for him but I also don't deserve to be treated this way.

I guess I just want some advice and a chat!!

OP posts:

BlastedPimples · 14/05/2023 18:41

Why feel sorry for him? He should feel bad. He's failed you. He's failed your family.

I would just be matter of fact and icily polite and sort out dumping him asap.

ZekeZeke · 14/05/2023 18:50

Your mistake was letting it slide the first time.
Fool me once and all that.
He is a liar and a cheat. You will never know a moments peace you stay with him.

ICMB · 14/05/2023 18:51

He wasn’t low and down when he was cheating

Original poster

Harveybelle · 14/05/2023 18:57

These are all true points. Decisions made from this morning that I’m out and done.

it’s just feeling for my son.. and the upheaval. But long run I need to be happy and in a trusting place.

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 14/05/2023 19:53

It's natural to have conflicting feelings. Even when people betray you it takes time to filter out what you thought they deserved in terms of love.

But you found a way to make the wise decision. And in time it will start to feel that way.

Compassion is a 2 way street. He's only feeling sorry for himself. So don't waste your compassion on him. He has none for you. Or he wouldn't have cheated ever. Let alone twice (at least).

Shapemyeyebrows · 14/05/2023 20:02

@Harveybelle I guess you have 2 options from here - stay with him and accept he’s going to cheat on you when the opportunity arises. Or leave if you can’t accept that. He clearly has form and he won’t change. He will just wait til he’s out of hot water and then be more careful.

Original poster

Harveybelle · 22/05/2023 20:13

Hey everyone.
So my mind has not changed - but I'm still feeling awful cos he's written me a long letter of 'sorry' etc etc and throwing away out family and it breaks his heart that we may not have a future and is being overly nice at home.
Gah!! Why are we always the ones feeling awful!!

OP posts:

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/05/2023 20:16

But him being sorry now is a very immature response. He should've been able to look ahead and see the devastation he would cause and realised it wasn't going to be worth it. Anyone can look back and regret what they have done.

Scalessayeek · 22/05/2023 20:17

He didn’t think about throwing his family away when he spent time and effort messaging other women, or to put it bluntly, when he was having sex with her. Just remember that. Every. Single. Time. He. Apologises.

Gcsunnyside23 · 22/05/2023 20:21

Stay strong. It's him who threw your family away not you. He's only upset he got caught not that he did it or he would have not wasted his second chance

Aquamarine1029 · 22/05/2023 20:22

Harveybelle · 22/05/2023 20:13

His bullshit letter only goes to prove what a selfish, self-absorbed, manipulative piece of shit he is.

HE threw away your family because sticking his cock in other women is more important than you and your child are. He only gives a fuck now because his comfy, easy life is disappearing. If you take him back, he will be cheating again almost immediately. This is who he is, stop having sympathy for this pathetic liar.

GreyCarpet · 22/05/2023 20:58

Harveybelle · 22/05/2023 20:13

"We" aren't.

I kicked my husband out when I discovered he'd joined a no strings sex website. He hadn't even met up with anyone! In fact, knowing the sort of man he was, I doubt he'd even been sexual in his messages. He had some very funny ideas around women and sex.

Anyway, I kicked him out with so much as a backward glance.

A letter like you describe would have annoyed me and killed any remaining respect I had for him. It wouldn't have made me feel guilty. I know that because he came round one day and told he still loved me. I just asked him if he'd told her he loved her. He had. I said I couldn't work out at this stage which one of us he was cheating on and to get lost.

SauceForTheGoose · 22/05/2023 21:10

He feels low and down because he's caught out. He's feeling sorry for himself.

foxyfoxfo · 01/08/2023 11:42

You need to think about the life you want. He won't change and even if he did, you could never trust him again. Or do you want a life if peace, contentment, without that sort of emotional stress and in time the possibility of meeting a good man you can trust. There are two roads, the choice is yours.

Turfwars · 01/08/2023 15:40

You aren't throwing away your family at all.

He did that. The moment he crossed the line he made the choice to risk his marriage and his family. He chose to throw his family away there and then.

The fact you found out at a later stage and can now make decisions based on what you know is separate to that.

bjrce · 01/08/2023 18:02

Of course he's feeling sorry for himself- He got caught!

You're wasting your time with this one. Funny how he gets to trot off to his parents for a week and you're left at home minding the DC.

If you let him off with this one - he'll do it again - he's already a repeat offender- sex texting a girl before he was married and now this.

Original poster

Harveybelle · 01/08/2023 18:35

Oh it gets better - he's threatened suicide four times in 5 weeks and now the blame is on me, my family, the fact his phone didn't lock.. he doesn't understand why I can't forgive. We are in the middle of sorting the house now to separate properly and he's moved out for a while. Then he saw me having lunch with a friend who's having the same issues with his ex and I've apparently moved on so 'we are definitely over'. I'm so drained

OP posts:

Time4achange2 · 01/08/2023 18:43

He's not sorry, only sorry he got caught. If you forgive, he will do it again but be far more careful.

He sees you as a soft touch as keeps on doing it. What about the OW you don't know about....yet.

Time4achange2 · 01/08/2023 18:59

Harveybelle · 01/08/2023 18:35

He sounds very immature and self absorbed now he's been caught, funny how he felt so entitled before he got caught.

Until he accepts full responsibility this pity party will continue.

You deserve happiness with a trust worthy man, not one with no integrity.

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