H left me 7 weeks ago, after 8 months of toxic arguments, following years of him being verbally abusive towards me (fat/fatty/c@(t at times) and I cannot accept it for the life of me (as you will see if you've seen my other many posts on here!)
I tried to end things early 2022 after months of his behaviour and me acknowledging that I wasn't put on this earth to be treated like this, plus I have a 20yr old DD who regards him as her dad (been together 13 years) and I didn't want her putting up with this. At the time, he made a massive effort and I thought we were back on track and it was 12 months ago today that we had probably one of the best weekends ever and I told him I was so glad he'd talked me out of ending it.
Then came August and - BOOM!
He has long-standing depression, MH issues and abandonment/childhood issues that he refuses to talk about in and great depth but has also always raised with me to an extent. I believe these issues have made him into a man who is very angry with the world, his relationship with his mum is terrible (although since he moved into hers, they're getting in great apparently and I'm actually the cause of his problems)
Last year when I wanted to end it, I used to look at him and think 'I can't bear the thought of us being buried together for all eternity when we're old' (yes morbid thought I know)
So how come I am now an absolute mess, with acute MH problems who despite him making clear he doesn't want to be with me and doesn't love me, I'm looking for any sign that we could possibly reconcile? I am beyond devastated - for the 8 months he was telling me daily that he did/didn't want to be with me, he was still telling me he loved me 2 days before he left - I know I still love him even though he's so angry with me thar he can't speak to me without screaming abuse at me? My DD contacted him yesterday to say she was worried for my mental state, and when he came to pick her up and I was stood at the door, he mouthed 'fuck off' at me - I've stood by his side and looked after him thru all of his depressive episodes
I've asked him for the court fee so I can start a divorce - he's refused to give it me - why, if this is what he wants?!
Sorry for long post but trying to claw my way out of this living hell