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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My boyfriends baby mom help!!

22 replies

Kirsty3512 · 14/05/2023 13:43

Help …. Is it just me? My partner has not been with his daughters mom for 3 years now , I know they were still sleeping together when we first met but she just cannot let go! She stopped him from seeing his daughter when she found out we were pregnant so I sorted out mediation for him to have contact again which she wasn’t buying at first but unfortunately at 33 weeks we lost the baby , and he was able to then see his daughter again. She demanded a meeting with me before her daughter could spend time with us which I went to as I didn’t want him to not see his daughter but this was over a year down the line . They hated one another and me trying to do the right thing stepped in for him to have access but now I feel it’s come back to bite me on the bum! She constantly calls and texts him , but really irrelevant pictures , phone calls and messages. Letting him know what they are doing day to day or weekends. And he deletes the chats between them . She also demanded at mediation that they attend party’s together for their daughter which we did in March and I felt super uncomfortable . I’ve told him I just really can’t do this anymore . It is really starting to boil my blood what do you think ? Please help ! He’s telling me if I don’t like it then I need to tell her it’s not down to him!
please help 😔 I’m currently pregnant again I can’t deal with this on top.

OP posts:
caffelattetogo · 14/05/2023 13:48

It sounds like this is much more complicated than you need right now, and he's given her some mixed messages in the past - possibly ongoing. I'm so sorry to hear about your baby. You shouldn't be having to deal with this stress. He needs to sort this out, and perhaps you'd be happier without him.

littleripper · 14/05/2023 13:51

He loves having 2 women 'fighting over him'. It feeds his ego. I'd be very kind to her if I were you as you may be the mothers of 2 step siblings with an absentee arsehole of a father in a year or so - when he moves on to the next mug.

Kickingupmerrybehaviour · 14/05/2023 13:52

What do you want people to say? The situation won’t improve. There’s not a lot you can do about her, him or how they interact. Personally I’d rather go it alone.

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 14/05/2023 13:55

Sounds incredibly dull, competing with some woman for your feeble boyfriend. There’s no excuse for him not bothering to go to court to formalise access to his kid. He clearly loves the attention from his previous girlfriend. Yuck.

Doyoumind · 14/05/2023 13:59

This is 100% on your DP. He's clearly happy with the level of communication.

It's not unreasonable for her to suggest he attends parties by the way.

If mediation didn't work, court will sort access. She can't just deny him it. That is also 100% on your DP to sort.

ReluctantFishLady · 14/05/2023 14:01

I'm sorry to say, I don't think you picked a decent man.

Starlitestarbright · 14/05/2023 14:02

Sounds like your the ow and he was stringing this poor woman along. I wouldn't be surprised if he was seeing both you at the same time.

Pixiedust1234 · 14/05/2023 14:05

You have a DP problem. He won't step up and be a real father or a real partner. Why did you organise meditation, why not him? That just proves he is lazy and selfish. Run.

Ofcourseshecan · 14/05/2023 14:07

I know they were still sleeping together when we first met

So you were the OW and he is now treating you with as little respect as he treats her. Surely no surprise. You might both be better off without him.

BananaBlue · 14/05/2023 14:08

I’m sorry for your loss OP.

what exactly is the issue? That she contacts him or that he deletes the messages?
Or that he is going to DD parties?

How old is his DD?

It shouldn’t have taken a woman for him to start process for access.

He doesn’t sound great tbh, why did he split with ex?

RainChaser · 14/05/2023 14:19

He sounds like a dick. He was sleeping with her when he you were with him.
He was such a pathetic man that you had to sort out mediation for him to see his child?He sounds like he enjoys the drama.

How old are you both because this sounds like some immature Jeremy Kyle type relationship?

There’s soon to be 2 children in the middle of this mess. Personally I wouldn’t have chosen to continue a pregnancy in these circumstances. It’s a mess and I feel sorry for the kids. 3 parents and they’re all incapable of having adult relationships.

monsteramunch · 14/05/2023 14:20

Firstly I'm sorry for your loss OP Flowers

This man is bad news.

He was shagging her when he met you.

You were the one to sort mediation for him to agree access to his own child, he wasn't already taking the lead on this process like a decent father would.

He is likely telling you both that the other is a nightmare and he's 'just trying to keep everyone happy' rather than growing up and acting like mature adult.

If I were you I would be assuming he isn't going to change and have some plans in place to co-parent rather than assuming you'll stay in a relationship, as it doesn't sound like he's willing or able to have a healthy and happy one.

diddl · 14/05/2023 14:25

What a bloody mess!

Are you all very young?

I mean he was cheating on her with you-what the hell has he got going for him that you both want??

MammaTo · 14/05/2023 14:29

He deletes the messages? He sounds dodgy as fuck, tbh I think she sounds reasonable in some ways, she wants her child to do everything they would normally have done with both parents.

The fact you have “stepped up” and organised the mediation for him speaks volumes, he’s not assed.

Stressedannni · 14/05/2023 15:03

I'm sorry to hear about your baby dying this must be a very stressful time. I would concentrate on you and the baby. The outlook on the dad looks uncertain and he sounds like an asshole. Prioritise you and baby.

mycoffeecup · 14/05/2023 15:10

So sorry to hear all this. You've picked a dodgy man unfortunately. how far pregnant are you? early enough to have options? I wouldn't want to be tied to this chaos for 18 years.

Original poster
Kirsty3512 · 14/05/2023 17:14

Thank you ladies! I agree I think he is after the attention of us both and we are clearly massaging his ego.
I don’t want to deal with this shit I’m all for co parenting as I do it myself , but I also think you are capable of co parenting without having to interact everyday about everything that’s not fair on any woman to have that constant reminder. She is fully aware of what she is doing she’s a clever woman. And ups the communication when she is single. I’ve never caused her any bother and am very good to her / their daughter. I just think I need to take time away from the situation. It’s easy for people to say “ I have options” or I “ shouldn’t have gotten pregnant “ but it’s easier said that done when you love someone and you feel you have been robbed of you’re child and being a mother. I feel women are strong and powerful and don’t need a man to look after a child.

OP posts:
RainChaser · 14/05/2023 18:09

Kirsty3512 · 14/05/2023 17:14

Thank you ladies! I agree I think he is after the attention of us both and we are clearly massaging his ego.
I don’t want to deal with this shit I’m all for co parenting as I do it myself , but I also think you are capable of co parenting without having to interact everyday about everything that’s not fair on any woman to have that constant reminder. She is fully aware of what she is doing she’s a clever woman. And ups the communication when she is single. I’ve never caused her any bother and am very good to her / their daughter. I just think I need to take time away from the situation. It’s easy for people to say “ I have options” or I “ shouldn’t have gotten pregnant “ but it’s easier said that done when you love someone and you feel you have been robbed of you’re child and being a mother. I feel women are strong and powerful and don’t need a man to look after a child.

How the hell do you live such a loser though. I despair.

RainChaser · 14/05/2023 18:17

love

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 14/05/2023 18:50

What’s loveable about this bloke? A proven cheat, spineless, can’t be arsed formalising child contact, enjoying playing two women off against each other. I can’t imagine even one trait that would be worth any of that.

Pinkbonbon · 14/05/2023 20:09

He's a total loser. She isn't the problem, he is.

As for 'I don't need a man' to raise kids - you do realise you've tied yourself to this arsehole forever if you have his child right? He's going to be playing you and his ex off the next woman he dates. And the one after that. And the one after that.

tuvamoodyson · 14/05/2023 20:22

What is it you love about him?

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