What the hell is happening?

[Confusedandangryagain]

*name change as I've posted before. Want to stay anonymous

After spending the day with my sister and our grown up children, she decided at 11.30 last night she would tell my daughter (20) that her dad, my ex (split 6 weeks ago) had cheated on me (no proof, just hearsay) I live in the city and she loves in a small village, around 100 people, everyone knows everyone and gossip is rife.
My daughter inevitably called me late last night to tell me what my sister had told her.
My sister never liked my ex always had some opinion on him. She is very manipulative and always has been.
I've confronted my ex this morning and he claims it's lies and that I know what my sister is like.
I just don't know what to think without evidence. We are testing to reconcile and have been talking our relationship through, pinpointing where it went wrong and what we can do to try and work at it.
My sister is very hypocritical, she said he'd cheated while we where together but she couldn't prove it. Her partner of 18 years has a wandering eye with ladies but that's OK she says. He doesn't act on it like my ex has.

I dont know what or why she is saying this and why now after we've split up. If this was true, why didn't she tell me when it happened. I'm so annoyed and angry that she told our daughter instead of telling me, and put her in such an awkward position. My daughter is heartbroken and obviously very anxious.

Feeling fragile and confused today.

You need to ask your sister for some facts and details.

@Pacques I did, she couldn't give me a straight answer. She said she doesn't have proof but she knows he has. I asked her how and she said "oh so and so told me" I don't know how to take this. She's not giving me any viable proof

Did she actually say ' so and so ' or did she give you a specific name ?

Sounds like you need to speak to 'so and so' then?

I don't think you could necessarily expect her to have proof as such but I would ask again, calmly, not questioning her motives, exactly what she has seen and heard and from where. Full details. You could then calmly ask why she told your daughter this and not you in the first instance. I think you will then have to decide whether or not this all seems a viable story to you, and whether you'll be able to live comfortably with your partner again as you won't know for sure since he can't prove a negative and she doesn't have any solid evidence. Consider too whether you have had any suspicions of your own before.

@Catlord I never had any reasons or suspicions to think this way. Yes we split, but it was amicable and both of us decided it was for the best until we could at least work at what was going wrong. She said she told my daughter because I wouldn't believe her.
I have spoken to her again this afternoon to ask her why she would say this now amd not before. Her answer was that she didn't want me to get hurt (surely leaving it would make me even more hurt)
She now says she can't remember (even though she gave a name this morning) who told her and that it's not worth digging around and I should leave it, take as face value.
I'm very angry and very frustrated that she would plant this seed with explanation. I've spoken to person she named and they have noidea what I'm talking about.

Your sister is an abusive liar. She gave you a name, then said actually I can't remember if it was her when she knew you would ask them and told you to not dig into it. But she started the lie. She clearly lied, she made it up and you must know that on some level. What is most evil is that she has told your daughter that her father cheated. OP that is absolutely unforgiveable and you can't get back from that. I would have nothing more to do with her, I would go NC with her. I would also encourage your daughter to go NC with your sister.

Well the person she named as hearing all this from denying it paints her story in a much more unreliable light. It's definitely just a case of deciding how you feel about going forwards with your ex then.

She sounds like a complete shit stirrer and a liar to boot. Does she have form for this? Disgraceful that she used your daughter in that way. Unless your sister can give you specifics of when/where this cheating happened I’d probably give the ex the benefit of the doubt in this case. (Particularly if you had no suspicions of your own prior to this seemingly unfounded accusation. )

Thankyou all for your messages.
So after some digging it seems my sister was 100% correct. Been going on since before we broke up, and he was messaging other women too. People i know fgs!!!
I feel so broken now. I'm angry at my sister for telling my daughter and putting all that pressure on her. I'm angry at him for "pretending" to want to try and make another go of this. I feel so alone right now. I can't stop crying. Even though we've not been together for a while, I truly believed we could work things out. How gullible and stupid was I.

omg I am so sorry! How did you find out?

Im so sorry for you and your daughter.
I think your sister should not have told your daughter, but should have told you calmly so you would have not thought she was making it up.
It is good you have found out now as you might have got back together and he could have been carrying on behind your back. Sending you a hand hold.

@Bubbylana @FelisCatus0
Thankyou ❤️
I asked him outright and told him I wasn't moving forward with trying to work things out until he told me the truth.
He just very blatantly admitted everything. Didn't even show any remorse. I'm so glad I found out now rather than later. he'd been at for years with other women, people i know, even 2 of my family members had sexual messages off him!!!
a lot has happened since yesterday and im finding stuff out literally every hour. Im completely drainedsand never once thought he was capable of this. I feel like the last 20 years have just been for nothing. What a waste of my life. (I have 3 kids, only good thing to come out of this) just a waste. He obviously never truly loved me.

I think you owe your sister an apology.

It sounds like she's been trying to tell you but you shot the messenger.

Sorry this is happening to you.

I don't know about that. Her sister told OP's daughter. She never bothered to tell the OP. She could have told the OP, OP could have processed it, got proof (that she has now) and then worked out a way to tell her daughter that her father cheated on her mother. OP's sister had no right to tell OP's daughter before she even told OP.

Wow, op. I'm so, so sorry. I think your sister might have panicked that you were trying to reconcile with your husband and felt the truth had to come out. Obviously, she chose a very, very poor way to do so. Unbelievably bad judgment, but I think she had your best interests at heart. Perhaps she thought you would believe your daughter if it came from her, honestly, who knows what her rationale was.

I'm sorry it was all true, but I'm not sorry you know.