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Original poster

How to end things

14 replies

sheisme · 14/05/2023 12:36

I started talking to a man around 5 months ago. We were friends to begin with as I had not long separated from my husband.

This new man has been in prison last year, for 4 months, for harassing his ex and stalking. He has never made out the woman was crazy or anything and always been honest about it but I know there’s 2 sides to every story. Their relationship sounds like it just wasn’t compatible and they had lots of arguments etc. Also both were drinking quite lot. She cheated and he wouldn’t let it go so kept harassing her. He was messaging her calling her names etc and send a letter of some sort, threatening I assume but didn’t ask full details of what the letter said. He was originally in court and told to stay away from her and do community service. She kept asking him back to fix things (apparently) and then if things turned to an argument she phoned the police. He should have just stayed away and says he found that difficult but completely blames himself for being stupid and not sticking to it. So he was back in court, for not staying anway from her and not doing his community service, and then sentenced to 8 months and served 4. The stalking part was that he had seen her out several times while he was working and approached her and argued with her in public. And also turned up her house unannounced to try and catch her with the man she cheated with. It’s a small place so would be very difficult to not ever go anywhere that might be considered near her.

He has, so far, been absolutely fine with me. No red flags although I am always on the look out for them. He hasn’t been love bombing me either because I know abusive men have the tendency to do this. He also hasn’t been drinking much at all in the time I have known him. 2 drinks at new year and besides that nothing. He has admitted he had a problem with alcohol in the past.

The friendship developed more into a relationship but a part of me feels reluctant as I am worried he won’t have changed and it’s just a matter of time. He is great with his kids and keen to do things with me that my ex never would have bothered to do but my heart isn’t 100% in it. I think the main reason being that I feel others will judge me, we live in a small town so everyone likely knows and will have a negative view of him.

I feel like we are more friends than romantically involved even though we have been sleeping together. I told him recently and he brushed it off as us not getting a lot of time alone to build up emotional intimacy. So I planted a seed that I wasn’t ‘feeling it’ but how do I make it clear without upsetting him too much or making it seem he has done something wrong. He honestly has not done anything that I would find concerning, I just don’t feel like the relationship is progressing like it should. Also a part of me knows that being with someone who has been abusive in the past is, more than likely, asking for trouble.

I think I am not fully over my separation and it was silly for me to get involved with someone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
sheisme · 14/05/2023 13:55

I really need someone to talk to please

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 14/05/2023 18:08

I think breaking up is definitely a good idea.

As you already know this man is capable of threatening and abusive behaviour - to the point where he's served actual prison time, which is pretty rare - I think you should plan your exit very carefully and ensure you don't need any further contact with him after you've said goodbye, which I would personally do in a phone call.

As he's already got a record, if he tries harassing you after you've ended it, report to the police immediately. Don't hesitate for one minute.

BakedTattie · 14/05/2023 18:12

Yes I’d steer well clear. Especially if you aren’t even feeling it that much.

could you tell him you see him more as a friend?

I would end this sooner rather than later tbh

firsttimemum1230 · 14/05/2023 18:15

Sorry if they do it to one they do it to all. My child’s dad has 4 kids 3 different mums and has treated us all the same. Get out and fast

Fiddlerdragon · 14/05/2023 18:18

The fact that you already feel worried about breaking it off with a new partner says a lot. He’s clearly making you uncomfortable. You need to end it as soon as possible, just tell him you’re not feeling it and then stop ALL contact. Next time perhaps don’t start a relationship with a man who has down actual prison time over what he’s done to his ex.

MacarenaMacarena · 14/05/2023 18:57

It's so hard for anyone else to know what to say...
Any relationship that isn't making you happy isn't worth continuing.
Are you worried about how he may react if you say it's over? That he might make it difficult for you?

Mumofnarnia · 14/05/2023 20:23

They always do seem ‘nice’ and ‘honest’ in the beginning! If he started abusing you and stalking and harassing you from day one you would never have seen him again and he knew that! So he’s been on his best behaviour to win you over and manipulating you into thinking he’s a decent guy!

Yes there are 2 sides to every story, I’d love to hear his ex’s version as I’m sure there will be much more to it! It also must have been pretty bad for him to serve an actual prison sentence! The fact he ignored his initial court order to stay away says it all - he is a typical abuser who thinks he’s above the laws and can do to people as he pleases! Not all abusers love bomb - most do but not all. If he’s done it once he will do it again!

I’d let him down gently and tell him you see him more as a friend than a romantic partner.

Original poster
sheisme · 14/05/2023 22:33

Fiddlerdragon · 14/05/2023 18:18

The fact that you already feel worried about breaking it off with a new partner says a lot. He’s clearly making you uncomfortable. You need to end it as soon as possible, just tell him you’re not feeling it and then stop ALL contact. Next time perhaps don’t start a relationship with a man who has down actual prison time over what he’s done to his ex.

He’s not making me uncomfortable and I’m not worried about his reaction it’s more the fact that I’m too soft and don’t like hurting people 🙈

I have told him now and he’s accepted it and says we will go our separate ways etc. He didn’t try to convince me otherwise.

OP posts:
Original poster
sheisme · 14/05/2023 22:37

Mumofnarnia · 14/05/2023 20:23

They always do seem ‘nice’ and ‘honest’ in the beginning! If he started abusing you and stalking and harassing you from day one you would never have seen him again and he knew that! So he’s been on his best behaviour to win you over and manipulating you into thinking he’s a decent guy!

Yes there are 2 sides to every story, I’d love to hear his ex’s version as I’m sure there will be much more to it! It also must have been pretty bad for him to serve an actual prison sentence! The fact he ignored his initial court order to stay away says it all - he is a typical abuser who thinks he’s above the laws and can do to people as he pleases! Not all abusers love bomb - most do but not all. If he’s done it once he will do it again!

I’d let him down gently and tell him you see him more as a friend than a romantic partner.

I would have liked to have heard her side but I don’t speak to her. I did speak to one of his ex’s that he has children with and she said she never had any bother with him and felt like he was just picking the wrong people and this particular woman had done many things to him (like wreck things belonging to his kids) but he never mentioned any of this to me. That’s not an excuse at all so don’t think I’m making excuses for him but was interesting that she said she hadn’t heard good things about this woman either. Maybe they were both bad to each other 🤷🏻‍♀️

Its over now anyway so won’t have to worry hopefully.

OP posts:
Mumofnarnia · 14/05/2023 22:51

sheisme · 14/05/2023 22:37

I would have liked to have heard her side but I don’t speak to her. I did speak to one of his ex’s that he has children with and she said she never had any bother with him and felt like he was just picking the wrong people and this particular woman had done many things to him (like wreck things belonging to his kids) but he never mentioned any of this to me. That’s not an excuse at all so don’t think I’m making excuses for him but was interesting that she said she hadn’t heard good things about this woman either. Maybe they were both bad to each other 🤷🏻‍♀️

Its over now anyway so won’t have to worry hopefully.

Show quote history

That could be just what he told his ex though… most abusers will claim their ex is ‘crazy’ and will go to previous exes (who they may also have claimed are crazy at some point too) and play the victim to them. That’s what my ex does… used to tell everyone I’m crazy then once he found someone new, they were his new target and they all of a sudden were labelled ‘crazy’ while he came crying to me playing the victim! You may never know what this ex did or didn’t do to him but at the end of the day, she wasn’t the one sent to prison, he was. Maybe it was him who wrecked things belonging to the kids hence why she wanted him gone!

This ex that you spoke to may not have even been with him that long despite having a child with him. Abuse happens over a number of years, starts of abuse extremely subtle and almost unnoticeable and then escalates over time.

Either way you are better off without him. I certainly wouldn’t take a chance on anyone who has served a prison sentence for stalking and harassment.

Original poster
sheisme · 14/05/2023 22:55

Mumofnarnia · 14/05/2023 22:51

That could be just what he told his ex though… most abusers will claim their ex is ‘crazy’ and will go to previous exes (who they may also have claimed are crazy at some point too) and play the victim to them. That’s what my ex does… used to tell everyone I’m crazy then once he found someone new, they were his new target and they all of a sudden were labelled ‘crazy’ while he came crying to me playing the victim! You may never know what this ex did or didn’t do to him but at the end of the day, she wasn’t the one sent to prison, he was. Maybe it was him who wrecked things belonging to the kids hence why she wanted him gone!

This ex that you spoke to may not have even been with him that long despite having a child with him. Abuse happens over a number of years, starts of abuse extremely subtle and almost unnoticeable and then escalates over time.

Either way you are better off without him. I certainly wouldn’t take a chance on anyone who has served a prison sentence for stalking and harassment.

Show quote history

This could be true although this ex didn’t say she heard it from him. All rumours and hearsay and stories get twisted.

Thanks for all the advice. It’s done with regardless 😊

Any future man will be getting a police check done on him if he’s serious about me 🤣

OP posts:
GraysPapaya · 14/05/2023 22:59

A 4 month custodial sentence is a big deal and I don’t think his story matches up. Just find a man who hasn’t been in prison, start from there. Sorry Op but he’ll end up being more hassle than he’s worth.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 14/05/2023 22:59

Well done @sheisme , sounds like you had made your mind up and just wanted a bit of moral support.
You don't have kids with him so it's simple. All that matters is how each of you feels, and you both need to be really keen at this stage for it to work. You don't ever need to justify ending a relationship. The fact that you don't want it to continue is enough. Would you ever want someone to stay with up just because they didn't want to upset you?

Anyway, sounds like you handled it well and he reacted in a sensible way. I'd avoid any further contact with him now, to allow you both to move on.

Mumofnarnia · 14/05/2023 23:05

sheisme · 14/05/2023 22:55

This could be true although this ex didn’t say she heard it from him. All rumours and hearsay and stories get twisted.

Thanks for all the advice. It’s done with regardless 😊

Any future man will be getting a police check done on him if he’s serious about me 🤣

Show quote history

Yeah she may not have heard it from him directly but he may have told someone else some exaggerated story who may have then passed it on to this ex who you spoke to.

And you’re welcome. We need to have our wits about us with this dating lark 🤣

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